DC accused of bullying

[PeachyPotatoes]

I received a text on Friday evening from a parent at my daughter’s school. She got my number from a nursery group chat. She alleged that my daughter, 7, is bullying her daughter who is in the same class by; kicking her under the table, bumping into her deliberately, inviting her over to play they telling her to go away, and the worst of all, throwing her lunchbox across the playground after inviting her to sit with her and her two friends.
I was absolutely shocked by these allegations; my daughter is kind and friendly, confident and just lovely. However, I’m not there at school, so I told the Mother I would speak with my DC.
I asked DC what she thought about this other girl in the first instance. She said she was “alright” but that they weren’t friends. I asked if anything had happened between them. She described the lunchbox incident, but said it was another child who had done it and my DC had helped pick up the contents of the lunchbox. I then explained this child was going home upset every day after school, allegedly because of her. DC had no idea why she would say that.
I then phoned the Mother and outlined what my DC had said. The Mother was friendly, but adamant that my DC was systematically bullying her DC. I advised her to contact the school, as this is where these alleged incidents have taken place. I also emailed the school to inform them.
The school replied and said they were completely unaware of any issues between the two DC and had any of that been going on, the teacher would have seen it. They advised my DC to speak with the teacher should anything happen with the other DC.

I’m so taken aback by all of this. Firstly that the Mother, who I don’t know, got my number from a completely unrelated source. Secondly the allegations which are awful. When I spoke with my DC regarding this, I warned her should anything be happening at all, it ends now. She assured me nothing is happening.

Im absolutely torn. I believe my DC, but I’m of course concerned for the other DCs welfare. The school are keeping a close eye. If my DC is innocent, why have these allegations been made? According to the Mother, she has been discussing this with other parents. I’m not happy my DC has been labelled a bully when there is no evidence. Where do I take it from here?

Aibu to believe my DC?

Brilliant post!

Being a bully, tolerating bullying of others by their friends, covering up bullying by their friends/lying for their friends are all not ok.

It's important to teach children to stand up for what is right, not what is easy, for both their own growth and the good of others. Many parents think 'my child is popular, they will never be bullied', but unfortunately no child is safe unless a open and kind commuinity is built.

It's not though if another staff member saw it. All the main teacher needs to do is ask them to confirm who did it.

I would just tell the mother to go to the school - then they can tell her.

The parent shouldn't have sourced your number or contacted you. These incidents have all happened at school, and therefore it's the school who the parent should have contacted. If the school are telling you that they aren't aware of any issues between the girls, then the girl who's being supposedly bullied regularly by your child, hasn't told a teacher.

Why hasn't the other parent asked her daughter to tell her teacher, and then followed it up afterwards? I do agree that these incidents are very specific. Almost too specific for them to be a complete lie.

My advice would be to keep an open mind. Children can be lovely, polite, friendly but still bully another child. You need to let the school observe both children. I've worked in Infant, Junior and First schools for many years, and I can tell you that all children exaggerate and lie (it just varies to which degree it happens). Some will look you in the eye and tell bare faced lies, without a second thought. Others will swear blind, they haven't done anything wrong, even when faced with evidence!

There’s no wilfully blind Mum here. I just want to know the facts. Can you imagine being accused of something, and not even being asked if you were the perpetrator?

Also, just for information, I am also a teacher (although not at my daughter’s school). So I’m very aware that children lie. I’m also a parent of three children. Again, I’m aware children lie.

Oh My @C152!
That is horrendous for your dc 😢- thefts of his wheelchair, physical assaults and insults about his disabilities.
And you say the school is useless.
Please please escalate your concerns for your child’s sake.

My son got accused of bullying someone, but the events were so unlike my son i knew it wasn't true. So I did advocate for my son. But it really affected him snd he got v bad anxiety for a few months, which only got better with some therapy. And as for the boy being bullied - turns out he had other stuff going in at home but blamed not wanting to go to school on my son.

So I don't think its as simple as people are making out. Kids often describe things as bullying when its not always bullying - a bit mean, not very kind maybe, but that's not alwsys bullying.

I have to say from reading this thread people should really try teaching their kids resilience...and a bit of meanness doesn't always hurt and can be a good life lesson to know how it feels to ensure they're not mean to others.

I'm not talking about proper bullying, which obviously is horrendous. But normal play ground squabbleS.

Funnily enough, the bully in my youngest's class is the teachers kid. Although that teacher does teach at the school.

Where I used to work as a ta, any incident such as the lunchbox throwing would have to be written up on the school’s internal system outlining the events and how it was dealt with. It created a paper trail. If the same thing/names were cropping up it would be flagged.

I know my oldest DD can be a bit of a bully sometimes (not physical, more like mean girl stuff) and it is hard, especially when another parent brings it up. This might not be the case with your child, but the lunch box thing does look very suspicious and the whole “helped her picked it up” thing is exactly the the type of thing a child thinks will throw off suspicion.

As DD is getting older she is growing out of it, but it took a lot of work and focusing on how the other person feels. It was hard to accept that my child had these traits but to be honest I’m glad we nipped it in the bud because there was a time where I could see a future where she grew up to be someone not very nice.

Maybe this other kid is mistaken or the mum is a nutter, but form the sounds of it your daughter is at the very least standing around and letting it happen.

It should really go through the school as that's where these incidents are happening. But in my experience they are never that interested.
Dont engage with the Mother of this girl. Speak to your own child about the allegations and by all means explain these will not be tolerated....but again situations like this with Mothers never ends well. You have a long road ahead of you. Wait until high school. The girls can be on another level!!!

No smoke without fire imo . You are right to keep an open mind OP

I my experience children are more likely to lie about bullying than to lie about being bullied.

Either way, let the school deal with it.

Yeah there's no evidence that her daughter has been bullying at all. How do you know she's lying? Christ are you that quick to alienate your own child?

I'd be ultra suspicious of another parent approaching me directly. If there's a problem it goes through school, end of. WhatsApp line this is shit stirring drama llama crap.

If only all parents could be like you. We can love our children but still acknowledge that they are learning and will behave bad at times. Our mission is to deal with it- not deny it our sweep it under the rug. @PeachyPotatoes Not implying that you are. You did right asking your dd and then refer to school handling it. I don't know what people expect;
A) that you're supposed to believe your dd
B) believe the other child

Both options are stupid because there is no way to know if someone is lying/misrepresenting/misunderstanding why it has to be dealt with by school.

Not yours, though.

You sound really on the ball and a great mum. 👏🏻 if only all were like you!

I know soneone who has a DD like this. I saw multiple instances with my own eyes of her DD being nasty to other children from
age 3. Her mum never believed it. Also sometimes even heard the DD say to her mum oh I hate so-and-so, we were all laughing at her the other day at school because… etc etc. Mum seemed not to hear, or said something mild on each occasion like ‘oh darling I don’t like that.’
Numerous mums complained to the girl’s school about their DDs being victimised by this girl but a) school didn’t handle it and b) mum never believed a word of it. It was ALWAYS the other girl’s fault in every single case. And there were a lot of girls!!
Not saying this is your DD’s situation. But parental myopia can be staggering.

Those claims are too detailed to be a lie imo . Nobody wants to be the parent to a bully but the last thing you want to do is refuse to belive it . Keep a close eye , but the fact your child not only denied but made herself purposefully look good by helping pick up the other girls things seems fake and she is probably lying .

Again, I’ll reiterate that I would like to know the facts in the first instance.

I am a teacher and from what I see in schools, many teachers are terrible at picking up bullying which is sly and careful. Children are just finding their feet and many children, who have wonderful qualities, bully. I would tend to believe this child and I would have a conversation with my child. No one wants to belive that their child is a bully but children are just finding their way in the world and often a sharp understanding that it will never be tolerated is what is needed.

And how could you? There is rarely empirical proof of bullying - that’s how bullies get away with it.

Exactly. My son was covered in shoe/boot prints, he had bruising to his throat and massive welts/bruises across his torso as well as strangulation marks to his neck.
The school said it wasn’t evidence of “bullying” just “a single unprovoked attack that we don’t know the cause of”.
So even with evidence, schools still cover their arses and lie horrifically to parents’ faces! That’s exactly how they get away with it. Schools don’t actually care about bullying, they care about their “anti-bulling policies” or their “anti-bulling stance” not the child who is victimised!

There is a seemingly really lovely girl in my year 3 daughter’s class, I have always loved her and she has such a lovely mum too. So I was shocked when my daughter said she had started to be a bit mean to some of the kids in their class, I thought she must be mistaken to be honest.

My daughter said the thing is she’s lovely in front of her own mum and you other mummies and the teacher, she only does the mean stuff when no grown ups are around. Subsequently found out my daughter was spot on - a boy mum I know told me she’d caught her in action being really mean to him.

So you never know!

This! The chief Queen Bee in DD’s primary (had multiple victims from Y4 to Y6) was absolutely adored by teaching staff. Seemed a real ‘leader’, no adults had a bad word to say about her and nor did the popular girls who swarmed round her. The fact that she was systemically cruel to the not-so-popular girls (think mocking, sniggering, whispering, asking ‘innocent’ questions about their favourite pop stars or makeup brands then running off to cackle with laughter in a corner) was apparently missed by all the staff. Until one day right at the end of Y6 when she got too big for her boots and pulled the same trick on a new young TA and was overheard by one staff member and finally got into (some) trouble.

it was still still regarded as just one incident though, at the end of a Y6 summer term when bolshiness levels are high. Nobody at the school realised the levels of it for 3 years previously. Privately I heard from many mums whose DDs had the treatment meted out over the years. The bully would also move onto new victims quite regularly so it was never a sustained campaign that might have drawn more notice. A very very bright girl who has gone on to a top grammar. Where I have heard she has now been in trouble for being ringleader of a group phone bullying a girl.

her mum was (truly) lovely too. Just thought her daughter could be ‘silly’ at times. Either didn’t see or didn’t want to see. It gradually got out of control.