To stop my ex coming for Xmas ?

[OliveItalanio]

hi
Im separated since 2022 and divorced since 2025. Every year my ex has "returned" for 1 or 2 nights to have a family christmas. Our teenagers + adult kids really want this. Im in the family home, he's in a very small house so couldnt really host them.
Im totally fed up doing this - I hate it and dread the day/night/day after . Ive told my kids, this year its not happening . They can go to him for dinner or brunch and I'll be absolutely fine with the TV and fire. Problem is they are all upset and dont see how I cant put up with it . One even suggested I leave the house so they could have it with him.
What would you do? BTW he barely acknowledges me when in my house ( it was the family home) and never even says thank you for letting him stay.

How cheeky your children are and rude.
They want YOUbto move out of your home?
Time to be firm.
Repeat that they can go to his.
In these circumstances with such rudeness, its a good idea.
You have every right to not want to be ignored in your home.
There really is no end to the expectations that women will suck up stuff by those around them.

Yeah fuck that.

No no no and no.

How about one of your adult kids hosts wherever they live, or exdh squeezes them in for a short time at his, or they pay for themselves to go out to dinner else where?
You should not be required, year after year, to host an ungrateful rude ex

Next year they could book Xmas dinner at a pub together . Your feelings matter too. Don't forget that.

Feck them all! Damn their taking you for granted like this. It’s about time you had a Christmas all for your own pleasure, instead of being a convenience for that lot.
Don’t give in!

Tell them no, they can go to his. And they are not to invite him to yours
I assume they all still live with you?

I used to do this, when my kids were little, so I feel your pain.

It’s time to put yourself first and say no.

He comes and stays in your house and barely acknowledges you. I’d ask the kids whether they think that’s OK. Because it’s not.

They can all chip in for an airbnb and host you and him.

Could you tell your kids’ Dad that this year, given the uncomfortable silences at previous Christmases, you feel that it’s time to each organise your own Christmas for the kids to enjoy?
Or if you want to maybe book something halfway between you both for a family Christmas brunch?

A friend of mine does this - he’s awful to her all year and then come Xmas it’s happy families for the sake of the child. No find it ridiculous - the child is old enough now to understand that they’re not together (haven’t been since child was 2!) so why put up with it?!

He’s your ex for a reason, why on earth would you want to have him over for Christmas?
I think it’s weird you’ve had him over each year since the split if I’m honest and it may have blurred the lines for your kids although you say they are adults. I assume ex waltzes in and expects you to do all the cooking etc while he is waited on?.

Stick to your guns, they can spend the day with one of you or split their time between both. X

Cheeky fuckers. Stand your ground!

It’s not a ‘family Christmas’ because he’s not your family. It’s also not the ‘family home’, it’s your home. Obviously we don’t know who left who or what the settlement was but here you are; divorce now separates him from your life and your space. If he were grateful and appreciated you accommodating everyone for Christmas it would be one thing (still not ideal for you) but he sounds dreadful and you are right to put a stop to it.
I imagine there have been many years of you making everyone else’s lives easier and Christmas magical for everyone but you, but it’s time to pass the baton.
I remember sitting on my bed listening to the man who had cheated and got someone else pregnant, playing downstairs with our newborn and 7 year old. When he’d finished I even drove him back to the station. All so he could maintain a relationship with them (which he didn’t once I stopped trying). In hindsight, fuck that!
Let your ex and your kids sort themselves out, they can have 2 lovely celebrations instead of you having none. Get to M&S and stock up for a lovely day of Netflix and your favourite food! Hope you’ve got a dog too!

stand your ground, tell them he can get an airbnb for the 3 of them

Everyone involved is too old for this crap, if they were little kids then I'd see a slight argument but not adults. They need a good talking to about their selfish ways.

They suggest you leave the house?? Ungrateful twats and fuck no. I’d say would you like Christmas dinner here and then make arrangements separately with ex, make arrangements with ex for dinner and come back for supper, or we do Christmas eve for Christmas? Your dad should acknowledge I’ve provided Christmas for all of us including him for years now, most divorced mums do not, and rather than appreciative he’s been a bit of a jerk every time to me, so he should be jumping at the option to provide his own Christmas for you, you’re his children. While I’m mentioning being ungrateful, how dare you suggest I leave my house for him to come do Christmas here. You probably also thought I’d cook you a Christmas meal for it just as if I were the household help. I hope you’ve bought me a thoughtful present.

I think if you sat them down and were honest about how it makes you feel, they might take note? Maybe try them one by one rather than as a group. Pick your most understanding child first!

How fucking cheeky asking you to leave the house. I bet you do all the cooking, cleaning and Christmas admin while ex turns up with a few presents and does fuck all. I’m really shocked that your children are being so cold towards you. Spend the day alone and they can go to their amazing dad’s, save yourself the stress.

I would be standing my ground. No way would I be moving out. If they want to spend time with him they go to his house

Wow. I expect the kids imagine you'll do all the decorating, prep and cooking and then leave then to a beautiful warm house and meal ready to serve to him. Fuck that and the horse it rode in on.

I might have him over for Christmas dinner if we got on but absolutely not staying over 1 never mind 2 nights. As he barely acknowledges you then absolutely not having him there at all.

Explain to kids Christmas changes over time and will continue to change as they move out and have partners. Plan a nice Christmas eve or boxing day together then they can see dad Christmas day.

Sounds like kids want to have a nice Christmas and include dad but want you to organise/host so nobody else has to. Teens/young adults can be self centred so I can see why they want this but yanbu to say no.

Yanbu

It is ok to insist on your own dignity not to have to host your ex in your own home.

"I have protected you from understanding the depth of hurt I've had from the end of my relationship with your father because I am honestly happy for you to continue having a positive relationship with him. However that is not happening in my home. I have a right to be secure in my home without an annual invasion of a past I want to put behind me. You can spend as much time as you like with him in his home or he can take you out to somewhere else but he is not coming here"

Tell them that they are old enough to understand why you would not want to be made to feel unwelcome in your own home. Tell them that if they need a demonstration, you can invite their most hated exes round, so they can see what it feels like. After all, none of them did anything awful to you. You didn’t fall out with any of them, so they should be fine with it, right?

TLDR: Fuck that.

Nope. Where are your wants in all this? Time for some new traditions, things have changed, everyone needs to understand that. Why should you come last? I'm going to take a punt in that this was at least partly responsible for the reason you are now divorced.

Nope. If your kids are like mine, they are just freaking out at the very notion that you might have your own wants and needs. And their dad will probably moan and whine to add to the cacophony. Stick to your guns!