To stop my ex coming for Xmas ?

[OliveItalanio]

hi
Im separated since 2022 and divorced since 2025. Every year my ex has "returned" for 1 or 2 nights to have a family christmas. Our teenagers + adult kids really want this. Im in the family home, he's in a very small house so couldnt really host them.
Im totally fed up doing this - I hate it and dread the day/night/day after . Ive told my kids, this year its not happening . They can go to him for dinner or brunch and I'll be absolutely fine with the TV and fire. Problem is they are all upset and dont see how I cant put up with it . One even suggested I leave the house so they could have it with him.
What would you do? BTW he barely acknowledges me when in my house ( it was the family home) and never even says thank you for letting him stay.

No, just no. I would decline and do nothing. He can work it out whether it’s Airbnb, hotel, hosting at his place, restaurant etc. There are lots of different options. How long does he think this is going to go on for?!

Good learning moment for your kids - they need to grow up and start to see you as a person. I'd set out the facts - ie. you've bought him out or whatever - and that he's unpleasant to you. Good for them to see you not putting up with bad treatment.

How dare they suggest you leave your house. That level of disrespect is awful and I’m genuinely outraged on your behalf. Wtf!! If they’re so keen for that he can host them.

Excellent advice from all, also its not just Christmas day that's spoilt, its every time you see a festive advert, pop a few treats in the back of the cupboard, buy a pack of cards or hear Noddy Holder singing in the supermarket!
You deserve to be free to plan and look forward to the day & season that suits you OP.
Please take the advice on here, there may be grumbles at first be you are changing your future and I hope its a lot calmer & happier for you x

No, an ex is an ex for a reason.
Don't be bullied by any of them..

Tell them to rent an AirBnB between them and do Christmas that way. Even give them a (long) list of all the tasks that are involved in hosting on Xmas day.

How rude and ungrateful of your children. They’re not as grown up as they think.

I'd tell them that it's high time they learned that wanting isn't the same as getting, and I've done this long enough for them. They're all old enough now, and they can figure out another way for them to sort Christmas, that doesn't involve you having to put up with this shit.

No way! Many years ago I did this for the first year as he had not long moved out and the children were fairly young. Even that was near enough unbearable.

In the long run it might be an idea to give up the family home (sell, if you own it) and start over in a place that has no shared history.

Yanbu, that sounds insufferable. You’ve done the right thing. Is there a bit of entitlement on his part due to resentment that he has a smaller home and you’re in the original family home? Or guilt on the DCs side (“poor dad has a tiny house”)? Either way it doesn’t account for his rudeness or mean that you have to put up with that.

As is so often the case on MN, your anger / frustration / anxiety is misdirected.

The Ex is not the problem. Just don't invite him and don't let him in if he turns up.

The real problem is your selfish, bratty DCs. They need a BIG wake up call that they are adults / nearly adults now and need to learn how to consider other people and have some respect. Their behaviour towards you is TOTALLY unacceptable. You need to really lose your temper with them.

we did this as well as Birthdays until
youngest was 16. I feel
your pain. I began to hate it too. He’d come armed with gifts for the children but not one contribution to the lunch, not a bottle of wine or packet of peanuts. I didn’t even receive a card in the end. He was in a relationship miles away with OW and some years I think she dropped him off and collected him hours later. He’d sit there surrounded by the kids I’d struggled to parent alone for the rest of the year, take a few smiley photos to prove he was Dad of the year, stuff his fat face then leave. But you know what? I actually don’t regret it. It’s one day and DD said recently how she’d loved Christmas with us all together as a child.

I'm absolutely on your side here. And also you could well be modelling healthy relationships and boundaries for your children. By enforcing them now you are doing the right thing for them in the long term. I say this in case you are feeling even twinges of guilt and selfishness when you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty and selfish about.

And .. don't offer alternative suggestions to anyone, just make sure he knows he's not invited.

Your children are not little and old enough to know better. Say no and stick to it!

Say every word of this!

I would not tolerate your children’s attitude. Fuck ‘em.

Your children want you to leave your own house so your ex can come?? Wtaf!!

Among the adult kids and the adult ex, can they not club together and rent an AirBnB or similar if no one else has the space to host? I'd bluntly point out to them that their dad being included means that you are actively excluded, and that's not the kind of Christmas anyone would choose. It's one thing when they're small, but I'd hope that even young teens would see what's going on and I'd be a little bit disappointed that they are even tolerating it from their dad!! But you certainly don't have to.

Absolutely not! What on earth are your teen and adult DC thinking? They are unbelievably selfish and rude and need a massive wake-up call that parents who are no longer together do not ‘do’ Christmas like this at their age.

A much more common approach is to alternate Christmas with each parent, or split the day up each year so that they see both. Suggest they do this going forward, and make it absolutely clear to everyone that their DF will not be spending Christmas in your home ever again.

If your DC kick off then tell them to grow the f*@k up and ask around and they’ll find their friends divorced parents don’t spend Christmas together like this.

My parents divorced when I was 7 and they would never have dreamed of doing this to each other.

Spoilt brats. They don't get a vote

Sod that, he could rent somewhere, a hotel, relatives, whatever not your problem. Your children sound rather rude and entitled, guessing they got it from him. You've been more than patient putting up with that, you've more patience than me. Tell them all to make their own plans.

This might have started out with an intention to keep Christmas "normal" for the children but they are old enough by the sounds of it to have a proper conversation with you about your relationship having ended and that as an adult you are entitled to choose to spend your time with people you want to spend your time with.

Tell Dad that he is welcome to take them all to a restaurant for a Christmas meal as he doesn't have the space at his house, you can enjoy a special wine and a Christmas film then you can have cheese and coldcuts in the evening with just your kids at home.

Add to that: have your own Christmas dinner with the children on Christmas Eve night so you don't have to spend Christmas Day cooking and washing up but you still have the cold cuts for the Christmas Day night. Or do something completely different!

We have my stepchild (who's now an adult) on Christmas Eve. Every year. That's just how our own traditions have ended up. So we used to have family over for a gathering at ours at tea time on Christmas Eve after a day of opening presents, playing games etc. We'd never do a roast as who wants a roast 2 days running?! It would be seasonal and festive and as she got older, my step daughter chose the menu and helped to make it all - Christmas sushi year was a highlight!

Another choice for next year is to plan a holiday away for Christmas - we've got friends who do this each year to avoid their own family dramas (not an ex).

Or invite over other family or friends (especially as the children get older, could be their partners, we had one of my uni friends who was a foreign student come for a few years so she wasn't alone over Christmas, elderly neighbours and relatives, church friends of my parents, anyone and everyone BUT NEVER ANYONE'S EX!

Your DC get a nice Christmas at home, your Ex doesn't have to spend much or do any work, what you get is your Christmas spoiled every year by your Ex being there being barely civil to you. Tell your DC your feelings matter too and from now on they stay home or go to see Dad but he's worn out his welcome.
I'd never have had him overnight in the first place Op, he wants to see his DC at Christmas he does it elsewhere.

Absolutely not.

I've never heard of parents of teenage/adult children spending Christmases together after a divorce, it's unusual even for families with small children... You have been gracious enough