To stop my ex coming for Xmas ?

[OliveItalanio]

hi
Im separated since 2022 and divorced since 2025. Every year my ex has "returned" for 1 or 2 nights to have a family christmas. Our teenagers + adult kids really want this. Im in the family home, he's in a very small house so couldnt really host them.
Im totally fed up doing this - I hate it and dread the day/night/day after . Ive told my kids, this year its not happening . They can go to him for dinner or brunch and I'll be absolutely fine with the TV and fire. Problem is they are all upset and dont see how I cant put up with it . One even suggested I leave the house so they could have it with him.
What would you do? BTW he barely acknowledges me when in my house ( it was the family home) and never even says thank you for letting him stay.

And get them to pay for the hotel!

Could you explain how the previous arrangement makes you feel and that you dont want to do christmas that way moving forwards?
Without knowing all your living circumstances it difficult to offer suggestions,but if your adult kids have homes could they host your ex? or could they all go to him for x mas day even if space is tricky? Or book a restaurant?
You have the right to peace in your home at christmas.

Oh I don’t think she should abandon her own home for their convenience.
Far better refuse to permit this fake family gathering which routinely excludes her. Let the whole crew know without delay that this year they can all do their own thing, but elsewhere, and they can repeat that annually. Basta!

Her ingrate and insensitive offspring should feel the chill wind this Christmas, since so far they've never lifted a finger (nor uttered a peep to their horrid father) to make OP’s Christmas the least bit easier on her.

You are minimising the effect all this has been having on you now, and seeking some, any, pretext to convince yourself that it’s all ok, really.
In a few hours you’ll have talked yourself round to agreeing to the usual Xmas scenario, where you are everyone’s drudge again!

So what if there is an upset, large or small? Isn't it about time there was, in fact? Kick out the jams, mother*!

It's probably not possible but they'll get over it. Time to put yourself first, it's not like the kids are youngsters.

I’d be very disappointed with my children if any of them responded like this.

I suggest he goes to one of your adult children’s houses, they go to his and eat on their knees, or they go out somewhere.

Enjoy the peace from the lot of them

I'd be really upset if my children, especially at their ages couldn't see how things need to change, but if there's a bigger number who want him there I think I would then book into a really , really nice hotel somewhere you've always wanted to stay and couldn't justify the cost. Then just eat , drink and relax doing as you please. Let him take care of Christmas as I'm sure you probably do all the cooking and arranging.

I'm guessing he was abusive in some ways and your children are following on, this goes beyond entitled!

Your children should be ashamed of themselves. Have they always been so selfish?

You matter.

You are doing the right thing

Stay strong.

she should not let him into her home. They’d all leave her the dishes and his sheets to wash… bleugh. No.

Problem is they are all upset and dont see how I cant put up with it . One even suggested I leave the house so they could have it with him.

Your kids need a good, sharp shock. If they're upset, too bad.

Do they see you as a pushover in other ways?

My mother never saw my father again after they split up. Zero contact 'til the day of her death. I would never have dreamed of trying to insist he spend Christmas with us after their separation, far less if he didn't even have the basic human courtesy to acknowledge her presence in her own home.

Tell them it's time for a switch round and if they want a shared Christmas, this year you all go to his place and he can do all the cooking - including for you - while you put your feet up and don't talk to him. If it's ok for you to do it, why not for him? I'd meet any talk of his house being too small with 'what does that matter if it's family?'

People can host in the smallest of houses, it will just look very different to what they are used to. I had a client once in a studio apartment who still managed to have their three kids to regularly stay overnight. It’s just easier for everyone in this situation to make you uncomfortable rather than themselves. Stand your ground.

No. Just say no. Dont worry about the gall out. How small can his home be that he cannot fit two people into it?

I'm so pleased you've decided to stop doing wirework for ex.

In the long run this will be more beneficial to your children in multiple ways. Hopefully less confusing when you set clearer boundaries and they will learn to take your cue in feeling less responsible for his happiness.

Personally I would put up with it for one more year and let them know it is the last because it’s time to get new traditions.

And I would he having a word with him about his attitude before he comes. You host him and he comes in with a bad attitude…rude! If you can play nice with him for the sake of the kids then he should too.

I agree. I used to live in a one bed flat and loved having people round and hosting. Even had family stay overnight on many occasions. Ex will manage if he really wants to see his children on the day.

Why on earth should op put up with a rude and ungrateful ex in her home for another xmas day? it's her Christmas too. She's already done more than enough and what she wants matters too.

No she shouldn’t, that’s what I’m saying. If the kids wanted someone there, and she was good enough to allow it, for them, then the least he could do is straighten his face and play nice.

Him being rude when she is hosting is absolutely not ok. All I meant was that I personally would have him this year for the sake of the kids complaining, but they would be told this is the very last one, and he would be told (ahead of time) he straightens his face or he leaves

Sorry to hear of your problem, OP. As your children are teenagers and young adults, I really hope you can find a way to explain to them why the previous Christmas arrangement just doesn't work for you.

Best of luck

It’s nearly 3 months till Christmas. That’s enough time to plan a meal in a different house.