To stop my ex coming for Xmas ?

[OliveItalanio]

hi
Im separated since 2022 and divorced since 2025. Every year my ex has "returned" for 1 or 2 nights to have a family christmas. Our teenagers + adult kids really want this. Im in the family home, he's in a very small house so couldnt really host them.
Im totally fed up doing this - I hate it and dread the day/night/day after . Ive told my kids, this year its not happening . They can go to him for dinner or brunch and I'll be absolutely fine with the TV and fire. Problem is they are all upset and dont see how I cant put up with it . One even suggested I leave the house so they could have it with him.
What would you do? BTW he barely acknowledges me when in my house ( it was the family home) and never even says thank you for letting him stay.

Exactly. Especially if they live nearby. My sis and her ex split it so one has xmas eve and Xmas day morning, the other has lunch onwards and boxing day. Alternate years. It seems to work well.

Your teens and adult child want this ?

Then they can go to his

I assume they stay with him sometimes ? Eow for the teen ?

a firm no.

They want you to deal with it all, him, Christmas, their presents, all of it. Fuck that! When does it stop!
Tell them they have 2 choice:

1. Xmas at home with you and no ex
2. Xmas elsewhere with whoever they want

If they take 2, be very pleasant and do not moan, in fact sympathise when they come back with tales of rude lazy dad. But do not do this, it is a never ending pile of stinking wifework and an utterly thankless task.

Send each of them a text

'This was never intended to be a long term measure, it was temporary to ease the transition of the separation. The whole point of being separated is that you spend more time apart. I am happy to spend time with your dad amicably on other occasions (weddings, graduations etc) but i do not want to spend christmas with my ex forever and will not be doing so. I am of course more than happy for you to make seperate plans with your dad and me on the day and be flexible'

or even a longer version with this added: 'Your dad has barely acknowledged me on these Christmases since we have separated, and has never once said thank you, or offered to host himself (or take you out for dinner) or take on any of the physical and financial preparation that I do every year to ensure we all have a good time, when he has had every opportunity to do so. I dont think its appropriate for me to model any kind of relationship where one person treats the other this way to you, so will no longer be doing so'
But appreciate it depends on the ages of your teenagers... as a child of seperated parents myself I am more of a fan of laying out the facts than a lot of people would have the appetite for though.

They told you to leave your own home?!

I would tell them they can go to his on the afternoon/evening and stop acting like controlling spoilt brats.

Just a thought...if you were to leave the house (and you definitely shouldn't!) would they expect the house to be cleaned and decorated, fridge stuffed with goodies and dinner prepped and ready to go?
I might consider a little solo festive holiday, having done none of the above - but that's just me 🤣

Totally agree with this. I have done this for young kids immediately after separation, but for adult kids years later I definitely wouldn’t. This is your home OP, no chance you should be leaving it so that they can do their Christmas there together!! He needs to host them at his house, or they book to go out for a meal somewhere together! You’re not realise for this.

If your ex wants a family Christmas with his children he should rent an AirBNB property or a self catering Booking.com one which is large enough and provide the Christmas himself, rather than expecting you to do the work.

I think maybe the only way they would understand not wanting your ex to be there is to ask them if they want you to invite their exes? As teens and young adults they probably have at least one they never want to see ever again. How would they feel if every year that person turned up and ignored them for the day?

You are allowed to move on. They need to understand that. He is not welcome in your home no matter what happened in past years. This is the year you say no and they accept it.

Is there something you are not sharing about your children? Sen or a disability of some sort? If not then they are behaving like selfish toddlers. Put your foot down and keep it down. This is the year you choose you.

Thanks - Ive been working my way through them , having conversations with each one.

Only one suggested this tbf..

Yes there is way more to this story but it paints him in an even worse light ... kids have a desperate need to make sure he is ok. they feel sorry for him.

only one kid suggested I go to my sisters house .

Thanks all for the replies. I'll reply here again when I've sorted this, but he is not coming this year Ive just got to work out how to avoid major upset.

I let my adult kids (17,22,24) make their own arrangements with dad that I am not involved in - they certainly don’t involve him coming to my house to see them! And we have a (gritted teeth) amicable relationship!

So fuck NO!

Last year I did suggest they go to their dads Christmas Day so his wife - the OW could ‘enjoy’ all the hosting - I drank champagne, ate cheese and watched films!

They refused this year as I’m more fun! So they will visit him in the morning and go for BD buffet

Stand your ground !

Covert/vulnerable narcissist?

Well thats not to bad if its just one. But still they shouldn't be suggesting it at all. He has his own home where he can see the kids.

Sounds like it if they are desperate for him not to be upset.

You really don't have to put up with this. Tell him he can't come now so he has time to 📖 knup a pub lunch for himself. DC can choose either to have pub lunch with him or lunch with you. Do not give in on this. DD o not be bullied.

I can’t believe one said you should leave your home how disrespectful.

They can go to him cheeky gits.

Other people's emotions are not your responsibility. Your kids can choose to be as upset as they want, they have choices, none of which are having your ex in your property.

I think I would be inclined to say yep ok and sod off to the best hotel I could find without leaving so much as a sprout or scrap of tinsel in the house. That way they would really appreciate the effort you have put in over the years.

Your children need to grow the fuck up and think of you before themselves.

You are absolutely, never ever, in no way being unreasonable!

It's a shame your older dc can't empathise enough to see what a totally unreasonable ask it is to have you host your shitty ex, but you still don't have to do it. You can spell it out to them - you don't want to have someone who treats you badly in your home. They need to see their df at their own homes or at his home.

It is insane this has ever been expected of you! Stand firm!