AIBU to think ND doesn't trump everything else?

[AmIAComplete]

Is it really unreasonable for me to expect some understanding of my child's health?

As a family we have always supported my brother and his son who is ND, lots of give, because we get it, it isn't easy.

My daughter has recently been diagnosed with a serious illness, it is normally recoverable (90% recovery) but is a intense and hard treatment. She was diagnosed less than a month ago.

We have been around my parents today and my DD is very quiet, she doesn't want to play (all cousins are between 5 and 11) she just wants to sit with us.

We are now home.

Brother's son wanted my DD to play but she didn't.
I have now had a message from him saying how disappointed he is that my DD didn't make more of an effort, and he has complained to our mum that we were being selfish and that DD should have made the effort.

I'm not even sure why I'm posting this , I just feel completely done with it all. But it feels like I can't come back from this if I raise it so just wanted a sanity check.

I get ND is hard, but it isn't the only hard. But open to other views .

What an arsehole! I wouldn’t even reply. Your poor DD. I hope she gets on well with her treatment OP xxx

Your brother is a knob! Even ND children need to learn to accept no because you can’t force someone to play with you.

I’m sorry your daughter is struggling. Hopefully she makes a full and quick recovery.

"DD wasn't feeling well enough to play today. This is her new normal, please can you be understanding and pre warn X".

Hope your daughter is okay. He's being selfish, and your daughter is allowed to just rest and not be forced to do things she doesn't want to do just to keep others happy all the time.

How exactly is not wanting to play 'selfish'? Surely someone who's not well, probably not feeling 100% and just wants to sit quietly shouldn't be EXPECTED to want to play?

Sounds like your DN is the selfish one. Yes, ND is hard, but your DB should explain to him that your DD isn't going to be up to play every time until her treatment is over.

Speedy and successful recovery to her.

"Have you forgotten about DD's illness (you inconsiderate arsehole)"?

Of course YANBU. I hope your daughter has a successful recovery. Your brother is an idiot.

Unless his message said "DD should have played with my son because he's ND and playing is hard for him" then the ND or not thing doesn't come into it. Your DB is just an arsehole who didn't give a sick child a break.

But you're right, your DN can hear no, even when it's hard for him. It might be worth suggesting separate grandparent visits while your DD is unwell, if it will be hard for them both.

I hope your DD's treatment is successful and she has a smooth recovery.

You are correct. Being ND is a thing. Being ill is a thing. We need to be respectful of both.
So he's been really bloody inconsiderate

He complained to your Mum and then messaged you? In that order? What did your Mum say when he complained to her? (which is pathetic, btw).

“She’s not well!” would be my reply. What a dipshit.

She’s not obliged to play with him even if she’s well, actually.

What a horrible thing to do (your brother complaining).

This.

This pretty much nails it.

I would message back and tell him you're disappointed that he didnt tell his son to back off from your dd who is struggling with her health.

Twat.

I would reply "I'm really shocked by your message and complete lack of care for DD's health issues right now. I think it best we take some space away from you for a while we focus on her treatment and recovery - sorry if you find that selfish."

I sincerely hope your mum told him to wind his neck in too?

” I’m extremely surprised you didn’t pre-warn X that DD probably wouldn’t be her normal self today. I will not be asking her to prioritise anyone except herself for the foreseeable future, which I’m sure you can understand given the immensely difficult situation she is currently dealing with.”

Nice to see a 100% in Mumsnet.

Please tell us what you said back to him, OP as we are all raging on your DD’s behalf.
My DD has Autism but if absolutely isn’t an excuse for bad behaviour or in this case, outright disrespect! Wow

Remind him that your daughter is going through a lot right now. Honestly, I'd be furious and want some space from him.

I hope your daughter is doing well and gets better soon. My son had a serious illness 2 years ago with intense treatment too and it was incredibly hard. Best wishes xx

"My daughter doesn't exist to play with your child on command. Please at least try to be a little bit aware of things happening with your niece."

...is more polite than he deserves. The absolute knob.

I would actually call him out on not warning his son about DD’s health issues. Incredibly selfish and insensitive.

Tell him I don't think you realise just how ill DD is.

Perfect.

I would not be leaving that one alone.

“You know my daughter is ill. We have been nothing but caring for you and DN over the years.

It is now your turn to show a little concern and consideration of others.

I won’t be responding to any similar messages if you ever decide to send one that selfish, self centred and ill considered again in the future.”