AIBU to think ND doesn't trump everything else?

[AmIAComplete]

Is it really unreasonable for me to expect some understanding of my child's health?

As a family we have always supported my brother and his son who is ND, lots of give, because we get it, it isn't easy.

My daughter has recently been diagnosed with a serious illness, it is normally recoverable (90% recovery) but is a intense and hard treatment. She was diagnosed less than a month ago.

We have been around my parents today and my DD is very quiet, she doesn't want to play (all cousins are between 5 and 11) she just wants to sit with us.

We are now home.

Brother's son wanted my DD to play but she didn't.
I have now had a message from him saying how disappointed he is that my DD didn't make more of an effort, and he has complained to our mum that we were being selfish and that DD should have made the effort.

I'm not even sure why I'm posting this , I just feel completely done with it all. But it feels like I can't come back from this if I raise it so just wanted a sanity check.

I get ND is hard, but it isn't the only hard. But open to other views .

I think you need to be very clear. DD is ill and adjusting to her recent diagnosis. She definitely does not need to make any effort. I can’t believe you have sent this message and am really upset by your lack of care for dd.

Hope your dd gets better.

While certain diagnoses are difficult (not sure what nephew has -autism, perhaps? ), children (eg dn) still need to learn (and their parents) that just because he has a diagnosis, his needs don't trump those of others. The problem is we have developed a culture of excuses.

I’m sorry about your DD’s illness. I wouldn’t be able to ignore this, I think you need to reply to your brother.

Your brother is a twat! I wish your daughter a speedy recovery ❤️

Some parents are entirely single minded about their child issues. I kind of get it but whatever they’re facing it’s wrong to not consider others at all.

Remember dd at primary basically being a support worker for my friends dd who had anxiety. When I gently mentioned the effect this was having on dd my friends face was entirely blank. It was chilling she very clearly could not give a single stuff, it was her child first last and always. I spoke to the school in the end who quickly admitted it was wrong to burden other children with this.

If there were all the cousins there, why didn't he just play with someone else??

Your brother is a massive knob with a side order of misogyny to boot - the girl needed to play with the boy, the girl needed to make an effort, and when she didn't he complained about it to a woman, and then another woman as well! It's all the females fault and the females need to sort it out!

Twat.

As a ND woman I can promise you that we are held to entirely higher standards than our male counterparts.

This is exactly what’s going on here. I strongly suspect that not a dickie bird would have been said if OP’s child were a boy and/or the brother’s child were a girl.

Expecting an ill girl to be nurturing and then slagging her off when she isn’t is diabolical.

I’d dial this all the way back. Regardless of anything your DD does not have to play or anything else she does not want to do.

My kids are ND. They would be told x doesn’t want to play and that is their choice. It’s fine if my DC were disappointed as that’s a normal emotion to things not panning out the way you wanted…

He’s setting his DS up to fail. He can’t grow up expecting to get his own way all the time. I wouldn’t even bother replying. Hope your DD makes a good recovery.

Why didn’t he play with his son? Your DD, ill or not, is not there to give him a parenting break.

What did your mum say?

IMO even if she wasnt ill and just didnt fancy playing, you DB was unreasonable

These replies are all too nice

"What part of DD having X has passed you by, you selfish thoughtless fucking bellend?!"

He may be ND, but at the end of the day he is a male who needs to be taught consent and that no means no.

Love this response.

This isn’t a ND trumping everything else thing, it’s a ‘your brother thinks he and his own are the centre of the universe’ thing. Don’t be defeated, respond and firmly put him in his place. It will save you more anguish later because he might think before sending something similar to you again.

Your brother is doing his son no favours by teaching him that the world and everyone in it will always, without exception, shape around what he wants.

And he’s being a shitty brother and uncle full stop - what absolutely appalling behaviour from him.

Does your brother definitely understand your dds diagnosis and how she’s likely to be feeling? It just seems so strange that he would be that insensitive if he knew. Of course, he might be selfish knob, but it’s got to be worth checking his understanding.

Your mother should’ve put him back in his box too. I’m raging for you op. Hope your dd has a quick recovery 💐

Given the amount of time, effort and repetition I've put into teaching DS to leave people alone and give them space if that's what they want I find this infuriating. Your DN should be being taught this, and yes it can be incredibly difficult and wearing to do it, but it needs to be done.

YANBU at all and your DB is being a twat.

Even without being ill, your daughter doesn't have to play with someone just because they ask her to. That would be a dangerous thing to teach her.

Yanbu.

Your brother is a shit. I am so sorry and hope your daughter recovers soon 💐

I like this reply as well - it reminds it's a health issue and that it's not changing any time soon either.

But yes I can see why you are very annoyed - I would be it's like your DD doesn't matter at all outside being useful to your borther and his son.

This. My autistic son has had to learn to respect when people want to play with him. The only one who (almost always) caters to his wishes is his mug of a mum😅. Would def not expect it of anyone else- especially not another child.

@AmIAComplete Your brother is an arsehole and he's doing his kid no favours. He could have made it into a learning situation and explained to his kid that your dd is a bit sad- tell him to observe her body language- and say that when people are a bit down they are not likely to want to play but could do with "are you OK?" "Sorry for you not feeling great".