AIBU to think ND doesn't trump everything else?

[AmIAComplete]

Is it really unreasonable for me to expect some understanding of my child's health?

As a family we have always supported my brother and his son who is ND, lots of give, because we get it, it isn't easy.

My daughter has recently been diagnosed with a serious illness, it is normally recoverable (90% recovery) but is a intense and hard treatment. She was diagnosed less than a month ago.

We have been around my parents today and my DD is very quiet, she doesn't want to play (all cousins are between 5 and 11) she just wants to sit with us.

We are now home.

Brother's son wanted my DD to play but she didn't.
I have now had a message from him saying how disappointed he is that my DD didn't make more of an effort, and he has complained to our mum that we were being selfish and that DD should have made the effort.

I'm not even sure why I'm posting this , I just feel completely done with it all. But it feels like I can't come back from this if I raise it so just wanted a sanity check.

I get ND is hard, but it isn't the only hard. But open to other views .

Firstly, I am so sorry your daughter is poorly. I hope the treatment goes fast and soon becomes a distant memory to you all.

Secondly, if your daughter doesn’t want to play with someone, she doesn’t have to, regardless of whether she is poorly or not. She is not obligated to do anything to pacify anyone else and is perfectly entitled to say no and have her own boundaries.

Your brother sounds like a cockhead and I’m genuinely fuming reading this!

Your poor daughter.
Send a non apology of sorry you feel that way and avoid your mothers when he is there.
Put your daughter first.
He's an arse.
Time to step back.

As a parent of an autistic child there are many times we “just can’t” do the thing that others might want us to do. So I was expecting to see some unreasonable demand. But no, YADNBU.

We had a relative who normally played but was sick. I’m not saying my child always got it right but we continued to intervene, explain and protect the sick person from his lack of understanding. We most definitely wouldn’t have been complaining because they weren’t up for playing.

I’m sorry about the illness and hope she make a full and as speedy as possible recovery.

We are a neurodivergent household and would never let our kids think that their disability trumps someone's else's choices like this. Your relatives are being unreasonable.

I have ND children and would never force someone to play with them, even ND kids need to understand No means No simple as that.

We have NT/ND children. No child should be forced to play with them. ND is no excuse for being a twat.
I hope your daughter soon feels better.

Is he upset that he had to parent him/amuse him?

Some people take the ’special’ part of special needs a bit far.

I’ve personally experienced parents that think because their child is ND in some way that it absolves them from any consequences and we should just let them do what they like “because they can’t help it”.

My son was once badly beaten by a child with autism and when I went to see the parents they told me that he couldn’t help it and it wasn’t his fault because he was special and they refused to even tell him off.
When I told them that it wasn’t good enough the father threatened to beat the shit out of me (I see where the child got his anger from). I reported it to the police in the end (my son needed stitches.)

It really concerns me, especially since so many children are being diagnosed these days

I hope that your daughter gets well soon, your brother is an arse.

"It's not DD's job to entertain your child, even less so given her illness. Next time entertain her yourself and in the meantime teach him that "no" means "no". I'm angry and disappointed that you seem to have no empathy towards your sick neice. Unless it's to apologise or to ask after her I'd rather you didn't contact me again for a while. I've got too much going on to deal with your selfishness".
Would be my answer.

As a mother and grandmother of someone who is ND they are completely in the wrong. Your poor daughter. I would keep her away from them until she feels better. Hope she gets better soon.

You are not unreasonable at all. My eldest is ND and there is absolutely no way I’d react as your brother did. As others have said, his ds may not understand why she didn’t want to play but its not your daughters job to manage his feelings. Extremely entitled behaviour from your brother.

If it were my brother I’d tell him where to go!! But understand if you want to take a more civilised approach 😉

Sorry that your daughter is so unwell and hope she makes a full recovery

Your brother is a moron. I have more than one ND child.

I'm sorry your son had that experience. I hate the thought of all ND children and parents of ND to be tarred with the same brush. I agree with everything that you have said.

I have more than one ND child.

I have an acquaintance who has a ND child. On one particular occasion we happened to be in the same place at the same time and my ND child was acting out of character as they had just started back to school and they were struggling. I was speaking firmly to my child and told them what their options were and what the consequences would be if they didn't do as I asked. This lady than interrupted me to speak directly to my DC and told them how proud they were of them and how well they were doing and turned to me and said, 'I think they are doing very well to be fair.' I was furious.

Her kids are total knobs and their bevaiour is off the charts, she enables and encourages their behaviour. I will never understand!

This ^
to be honest he was an absolute twat of the year with his text message so I would reply accordingly.
Make sure that GPs know your version of events asap.

wishing your DD speedy recovery and sending lots of hugs to you 💐

Thanks.

To be clear I wasn't expecting my brother's son to change, I get that he can't.

I just expect my brother to understand.

I haven't replied yet.

There is a huge difference between being inclusive to those who are ND and people just being entitled. Kids should learn to be kind and tolerant of others (although sadly there are currently few adults achieving this). But no one is ever forced to play with anyone else. Or share toys. Your DD is entitled to her opinion and autonomy just as much as DN irrespective of ND or illness.

Did your brother whine about you not sharing when you were smaller? Has he never been taught any differently? If he's ND then he needs to learn to understand and manage behaviours. The majority of ND folk may take longer to understand behaviours but it doesn't excuse them from poor behaviours or give them entitlement (other than to be treated with equity).

Cross-post! Actually I think there should be an expectation that your DN can learn appropriate behaviours. I'd probably suggest Social Stories™ as a way of him exploring when people don't want to play and why they might not want to play. They could also be used to explain that your DD is ill so he can better understand that and understand why she might not feel up to playing and what he could do to help her feel better. I also think making comic strips can help with this.

It’s a brother problem for sure. Agree with others, but the mother in me would be passive aggressive as hell and send him information regarding daughters illness.

my sister is like this with but with her dogs. I have a child terrified of her dogs. We have dogs. It’s this specific dog. It took her lunch off the table in Boxing Day, she was distraught. My sister found it hilarious. So we left. She talks about how I ruined Christmas by forgetting the dog had come from a rescue.

meanwhile, my child won’t go there again.

Your brother trying to look big to his son and showing the son that the son should always come first.

Irrespective of the needs of others.

Not a great role model?

Usual man thing for a lot of this generation.

Why on earth haven’t you replied?!? I would’ve gone to bloody town on him within a nanosecond if I were in your shoes! I’d have steam coming out of my ears