AIBU to think ND doesn't trump everything else?

[AmIAComplete]

Is it really unreasonable for me to expect some understanding of my child's health?

As a family we have always supported my brother and his son who is ND, lots of give, because we get it, it isn't easy.

My daughter has recently been diagnosed with a serious illness, it is normally recoverable (90% recovery) but is a intense and hard treatment. She was diagnosed less than a month ago.

We have been around my parents today and my DD is very quiet, she doesn't want to play (all cousins are between 5 and 11) she just wants to sit with us.

We are now home.

Brother's son wanted my DD to play but she didn't.
I have now had a message from him saying how disappointed he is that my DD didn't make more of an effort, and he has complained to our mum that we were being selfish and that DD should have made the effort.

I'm not even sure why I'm posting this , I just feel completely done with it all. But it feels like I can't come back from this if I raise it so just wanted a sanity check.

I get ND is hard, but it isn't the only hard. But open to other views .

“I’m sorry you felt this way. She is tired because of her diagnosis.”

"Fuck off you selfish knob" could work too.

Exactly

Ok calmed down a bit (not much) so what about

"Your inability to deal with your sons disappointment is not my DD's problem to solve. Try teaching him that no one has to play with him if they dont want to instead of expecting everyone else to accommodate him regardless of their own wishes, this is a lesson he needs for the rest of his life. As for your total dismissal of DD's diagnosis of X, words fail me, and you disgust me."

If this is going to be a pattern going forward, I think I'd try a softer approach.

"Sorry DD wasn't up for much playing today. X condition is taking it out of her - not much fun for anyone. It's probably best to explain to Luke that she's going to be poorly for a while and won't want to play as much."

As someone with a ND child and ND too. You are not being unreasonable at all.
Being ND doesn't entitle you to anymore special treatment, then anyone else with needs. (Illness, other disability, or even NT just people having a tough time of it)

This! He absolutely needs to work on empathy in his son (and in himself).

I hope your DM has also told him compassion, caring for each others needs and helping each other should go both ways...

@AmIAComplete
If you feel done with it then be so
I would put YOUR child first and her cousin can just bugger off so she gets some peace and regains her strength
And as for your brother
He should've explained your child is not well enough to play because
The sun does not shine out of his ND child's behind
And not every whim has to be obeyed

no kid should be forced to play when they aren't ill. the other kid will have to fit into life with other kids and his wants will not always come first.

Firstly, wanted to wish your daughter a speedy recovery, and hugs to all the family as you go through this difficult time.

You’ve had some very good suggestions for a reply. However, regardless of whether your daughter was well or ill, it’s up to her if she wants to play with her cousin, and if she doesn’t that’s fine.

No I would def not apologise!

Ridiculous. As a parent of ND kids, I am passionate about the fact that ALL kids have needs and limits unique to them.

Young children have such little agency. They get hauled around to events with their parents and don’t have much say in it sometimes, so of course on some occasions, ill or not, they are simply not going to feel like socialising. Rather than being forced to do so, the other children should be taught that sometimes other people might just not be in the mood to play and while it’s disappointing we need to respect that.

Sorry I am not absent, just dealing with DD. I will be back and thanks for making me feel that I am nbu

It might well be that your nephew genuinely can't understand. Obviously not all ND people are the same-some can have it explained, some won't get it, just as some children with mobility problems can do certain things, and some can't. But it's up to the adults looking after him to either explain it (if possible) or ensure your kid isn't bothered by him, if it's not possible. It's not a question of ND trumping things. Both children have needs and it's up to the adults to deal with this.

I normally loathe “I’m sorry you feel that way,” but in this situation it’s completely appropriate.
I’m sorry he felt that way too!

Even if DD was perfectly well, if she doesn't want to play, she doesn't have to. She isn't there for her cousins entertainment!
Sending lots of love to you both, OP ❤️

Wow, so many patient responses… my DB would get something more along the lines of ‘are you fucking serious?!’ Hope your DD feels better very soon

So you've told your brother etc that she is very ill?

I would be raging if that was the attitude I got, if it was my DD.

Absolutely up to the parents to have managed their own child's expectations etc.

Your poor dd and poor you. Your brother is being an entitled arse.

Hope your dd gets better soon.

I don't blame you DN for not really understanding that your daughter is going through a lot and won't be up for playing. I am astounded and disgusted by your brother - who even if he is himself ND should still be capable of the basic care and empathy to be focusing on your daughter's needs. I am so so so sorry for what your daughter and your family are managing through and I would read the riot act to your brother.

I think I’d message back saying, everything does not revolve around your son! My daughter is seriously ill. She does not have to play if she does not want to! Just like your son doesn’t have to do anything he doesn’t want to do!!! Please stop texting me about this otherwise we will fall out.

I’d go fucking ballistic at him. Your DD is so ill she’ll require months of treatment? I think I’d find it hard not to explode in his face.

I have now had a message from him saying how disappointed he is that my DD didn't make more of an effort, and he has complained to our mum that we were being selfish and that DD should have made the effort.

I hope you replied (copying in your mum) to say how disappointed and appalled you are that he and his family so completely disregarded her serious illness and were so inconsiderate towards her.

Your brother is a twat I’m afraid.
There’s nothing else to think about here.
No child is obliged to play with another child full stop. And your DD had more good reason than most.
You can’t reason with idiots so don’t bother and just let his nonsense wash over you like a cool breeze.

I have a friend like this. She previously described autism as 'nonsense' and she didnt 'believe in it' . I have 2 ND kids myself. I get it, I do. But she has made this her whole personality since sne got diagnosed with ADHD.
Its relentless and boring, turns up late to a party with no gift, oh thats my ADHD, ignores messages for weeks on end, thats my ADHD, is rude/abrupt, thats my ADHD etc if you question anything she bombards you with memes explaining ADHD. She is 50 ffs.
Anyway made decision this week to just drop her as a friend, I cannot tolerate the, 'the world must revolve around me' mentality anymore. Your brother sounds like an entitled knob. Wishing your DD a speedy recovery OP. Sorry you are going through this x