Do you find it hard to identify with people who are a lot wealthier than you?

[Purplelivi]

I wasn’t really sure how to title this, but does anyone else find it really hard to relate to people who are a lot wealthier than they are? I’ll explain.

This is specifically to do with some family. Dh and I are comfortable off but despite both having fairly good incomes and being careful, there just isn’t loads of money left. That’s not a complaint as I feel we do ok.

But we have some older family members who are very well off, they live in very large houses indeed, were able to retire early, go on holidays every couple of months, always having their homes renovated.

That’s all fine and good, but dh and I find it a bit hard to stomach. They’ll sit there and say things like “why don’t you just go abroad for two weeks, why d PM you just get an extension, why don’t you just move to a nicer area”. They’ll tel us about some new houses being built and how they’re quite reasonable, only £xxx amount, which is way over what we could afford.

They got new kitchen and bathrooms a few years ago then changed their mind and are having it all ripped out and redone. They also will do things like send us links to their mates million pound houses on rightmove to show how lovely it is.

That’s all their own choice but sometimes I find it a bit out of touch and just don’t want to listen to it all.

I think you’ve got this one arse about face. It’s not really that you could never relate to a much richer person, it’s that these particular people you know don’t seem to be able to relate to someone who isn’t as affluent as them.
I know people who are richer than me, it’s fine because they don’t behave like that.

No, not at all, which baffles me as I grew up on a council estate. We also still live on one, albeit a posher one 😜. I seem to attract rich friends, and so do my teenagers. It really, really baffles me as to why. I’m talking friends with huge houses and swimming pools, their kids are privately educated etc. I have no idea how I do it lol 😂. It’s not intentional. I must admit though, I don’t get those kind of communications, they clearly have enough awareness to know I’m poor lol.

This! I have much richer friends and it’s all fine. I couldn’t cope with a friendship with someone who the richer she got somehow the more she had to complain that her life was really hard and couldn’t recognise the privilege she had (a perfectly normal life in terms of some stressors but alongside 3 kids in private, 5 big holidays a year type life). She seemed to be unable to understand how stressful it was when you didn’t have much money or how much money buffeted against other things. And couldn’t cope with things that were just normal for other families.

Well of course you cannot identify with someone who doesn’t share a similar identity to you.

Nope, literally don't care and think size of house probably least interesting thing about them.
Would care more about environmental impact of constant updating and consumerism

I was going to say I can't identify with the ones who aren't grateful for every day they wake up rich and just think it's normal to not check your bank account before you drop £10k on a holiday. And it sounds like these relatives are one of those!

Yes, I do. Not in the sense of disliking them, just because they have completely different financial frames of reference and lifestyles from me, the fact of their wealth reduces what we have in common.

@ErrolTheDragon has got it right really. People who’ve always grown up with money find it hard to grasp that for some people it just isn’t there. I grew up with people who couldn’t grasp that I did not have “just a tenner” or “just a fiver” for this, that and the other, and as I grew up it became a chasm that you can suddenly fall down into when just talking pleasantly with otherwise nice people. It does lead to disconnect, because you just cannot follow the same opportunities and lives as these people. I have been in situations where people get annoyed because they think I am not engaging with semi-compulsory middle class socialising in professional areas, when the truth is I never had that option, not even to join in the conversations about it - I’ve also seen other working class people marginalised in that way too. And don’t get me started on people who will loudly proclaim themselves as unable to do things for other people ‘because they are skint’ when the real reason is because they thought that their hundreds-of-pounds worth of ski clothes were more important!

What @ErrolTheDragon said.

This is about these particular relatives and their lack of either sensitivity or awareness, not about people who are wealthier than us.

I have spent many happy times (including holidays) with people who are / were massively richer than we were / are, and it isn't an issue because they are decent people.

Are you a little jealous, are you sure you’re comfortable? Maybe you want more and aren’t as comfortable as uou like?

it’d clear they don’t understand your financial position, otherwise they’d not do this.

no, but I have ideas way above my station 😁

I don’t think I’m jealous.

It’s more that I’ve got absolutely nothing in common with them other than being related. I’m not interested in their 8th holiday of the year, their latest renovation, their friends million pound house or how Margaret up the road has had an extension built.

Perhaps it’s because they go on about it so much, they just love talking about money.

It’s more about their lack of awareness and interpersonal skills than it is money

It sounds like the issue is with these relatives rather than with you or an inability to relate to them. Either they are intentionally rude, suggesting things they know are unrealistic for you with your financial situation, or they are rather clueless.

Normally wealthy people wouldn't assume that the person they're speaking to can afford the same lifestyle they enjoy. They should be more sensitive to the possibility that the person they're speaking to may have less to spend, and they should understand that other people don't care as much as they do about their home improvement projects, holidays, and so on.

I'd be honest in my answers to their suggestions that you do something outside your means. I'd have no shame in saying that something is unrealistic or simply more than you would care to spend. If you correct their assumptions that you can afford to do as they suggest and they continue to make tone deaf suggestions, I would take that as a sign that they are simply self-absorbed and rude.

They may be family but that doesn't mean you have to like one another very much or spend more time together than you feel comfortable with. I would probably stop engaging with them as much and employ the grey rock method of boring, non-committal responses to any out of touch suggestions or braggadocious chatter.

This! I’ve never wanted a big house and I’m very minimalistic. I’ve never had any desire to be rich either.

Oh good. Another thread about rich old people who retired early and have shit loads of money and don't understand how hard life is for younger people.

We've not had one of those for a while.

No but my friend got engaged to someone who was proper landed gentry posh and it turns out he massively looked down his nose at my (other) friend and I when we met him. Told my fiancée-friend that he “didn’t mix with those sort of people”. I went to a uni with many snooty-posh but didn’t really interact with them so the “they despise you” aspect had never occurred to me! Thankfully friend dumped him.

A few of my friends are much richer than me. They don't behave like this and they are sensitive to the difference so don't make flippant comments. They also don't go on about extravagent purchases even though they have clearly got eg expensive concert tickets, a sauna in the garden. In short, they are decent, kind, sensitive people - they are my friends! I wouldn't have friends who weren't. With relatives, I think it's harder as you can't choose. It depends how honest you want to be, ie make it clear your holiday budget is 10% of that, or whatever. I'd probably go with very minimal responses though and move onto a different topic.

I think this is more about struggling to relate to arseholes really, isn't it.

They sound insufferable!

This is right. Your relatives have poor social skills. I don't really know what you can do other than keep visits brief.

They also don’t sound very content.

Yeah it is tough. I have a friend paying more in school fees per child than I earn. You need to be brusque about it ‘pretty hard up at the moment, looking to save money’.

They did ask if I would consider DC going abroad. No, couldn’t afford that.

Our closest family/friends where we live are DH’s relatives and two of the families are extremely well off. We know for certain that one of them has income of about $500k and the other has inherited a lot from his parents and we never hear a word about their lifestyle. In fact it’s only recently that they’ve started having more fancy holidays and all of them drive very normal cars and live in nice, but not extravagant houses. And my best friend is now also extremely wealthy (self made) and you’d think she didn’t have a penny! Also drives a non fancy car and lives in the same house they bought 30 years ago when they were struggling new parents. I don’t have any issue relating to any of them!

It’s more that the wealthy don’t understand how not being well off constrains you. I knew a girl like this at uni. Daddy would always bail her out in necessary whereas i and my close friends had parents who couldn’t afford to give us a few hundred quid here and there. She got visibly irritated at times.