Do you find it hard to identify with people who are a lot wealthier than you?

[Purplelivi]

I wasn’t really sure how to title this, but does anyone else find it really hard to relate to people who are a lot wealthier than they are? I’ll explain.

This is specifically to do with some family. Dh and I are comfortable off but despite both having fairly good incomes and being careful, there just isn’t loads of money left. That’s not a complaint as I feel we do ok.

But we have some older family members who are very well off, they live in very large houses indeed, were able to retire early, go on holidays every couple of months, always having their homes renovated.

That’s all fine and good, but dh and I find it a bit hard to stomach. They’ll sit there and say things like “why don’t you just go abroad for two weeks, why d PM you just get an extension, why don’t you just move to a nicer area”. They’ll tel us about some new houses being built and how they’re quite reasonable, only £xxx amount, which is way over what we could afford.

They got new kitchen and bathrooms a few years ago then changed their mind and are having it all ripped out and redone. They also will do things like send us links to their mates million pound houses on rightmove to show how lovely it is.

That’s all their own choice but sometimes I find it a bit out of touch and just don’t want to listen to it all.

Oh, rent a flat above a shop
And cut your hair and get a job
And smoke some fags and play some pool
Pretend you never went to school
But still you'll never get it right
'Cause when you're laid in bed at night
Watching roaches climb the wall
If you called your dad he could stop it all

Surely you just point out you are not that rich if they suggest things out of your reach. Not difficult.

One doesn't understand the question.

I think this isn’t about not being able to identify with people who are a lot wealthier than you, but specifically about your family members. There are a lot of families where older generations who’ve been able to buy houses at a better time or have had the chance for better pension schemes, are better off than younger people just starting out. It’s kind of what you would expect. My parents were better off than me 20 years ago, and DH and DS are better off than DS now. But in families you would also expect people to help each other out, so it’s this that I don’t understand.

The people I would find it harder to identify with are those that perhaps have been born into a completely different class and income bracket to me.

What relationship are these people to you? Do you mean they are extended family like cousins? It sounds more like they are the ones unable to identify with other people, and are pretty tactless.

you must have something in common with them...

I do have askance feeling in some contexts related to our income differences, but if it's relatives I need to have a relationship with: I'd look for common ground & try to shrug off the things we don't have in common.

Self absorbed people are simply boring whatever their income/wealth. I'd do my best to dodge them OP!

Sometimes. We do really well now but I was very poor growing up, so sometimes I hear people who’ve always been well off talk and I just think “wow you really have no idea do you”. I don’t say anything though, I used to when I was a student - I would argue all day as a student and try really hard to get people to see the actual reality of poverty and the long term physical and psychological impact it has on you, but I’m too tired to do that now. Also, it never worked anyway lol.

That’s my view , they clearly aren’t telling these relatives, what their real financial position is.

I have friends who love talking about money, but they aren’t the ones with the serious wealth who’ve got better things to talk about, have other problems and are much more genuine.

First post nailed it.

They sound boring. Like the only hobby they have is spending money.

They sound a bit and bored and making chit chat as there isn’t much else to speak to you about? Maybe they think you’re boring too?

I guess I would be considered wealthy amongst friends…if they knew my earnings etc. however I am not flashy and don’t talk about money as - well - not really much to say is there. I will head off on a flash holiday with the husband then happily go camping with my mates. I’m not to fussy with doing whatever and go with whoever’s budget, so long as I enjoy the company. My ‘poor’ friends equally never have any expectations of me and always want to pay their own way. It’s genuinely never been an issue. Heading off on a girls weekend away to a budget destination as I type. Those with the lower budget planned it and sorted it and I’m one of the passenger princess group who is just turning up and going. Can’t wait.

People who revolve themselves around telling people how wealthy they are, usually aren’t. Often have Max’d out credit cards and living way beyond their means. Quiet wealth is sitting in savings, investments, pensions - not designer clothing.

The ultra wealthy aren’t normal. They become more weird and quirky the wealthier they get - barely relate to each other.

Yep, my rich friends just don’t talk about it - or at least not to me. I did have an aspiring MC mate who spoke of nothing else though (I am WC) and she had to go… boring bastard.

I had a rich friend as a child. Her parents could have afforded private school but chose not to send her, they were from humble beginnings and had worked hard to get to where they were. She lived in a six bed detached house, owned a horse, mum drove a merc, they went on lots of holidays, she had an au pair etc. One birthday she took a few of us to Alton towers and it just wasn’t a big deal for her parents to do this. I thought it was amazing but like another world to my shit existence in a council house with no carpets etc. I wouldn’t have dared invite her to mine.

My friend was pretty spoilt, she didn’t care about ruining things because her parents could easily replace them. She was also exceptionally rude to her au pairs and talked to them like dirt. Everyone at school knew she was a bit of a brat. I looked her up a few years ago expecting she’d have gone to uni and done something decent with her life. She was working in a make up shop.

Not that it’s a pissing contest but I have a PhD. I felt forced to work hard to get to this stage thanks to my upbringing whereas I guess she can still piss about in a min wage or just above job because mum and dad will no doubt fund her.

I agree with this.

A lot of well off people would consider this kind of showing off about spending really repellent, I should think.

You could say breezily, "oh, we're not into conspicuous consumption," if you wanted to be naughty.

No, I’ve always got on with both rich and poor. Status doesn’t bother me - if they’re nice people, all good. 👍

I find it a bit strange you saying you are not particularly close to them and just linked via them being family members , so I'm guessing perhaps cousins of you or your dh ?
Tbh , my cousins & I only contact is a text ( send to everyone ) is a Merry Christmas hope your all ok . So your contact sounds a bit more than that .

I agree they sound tiresome and a bit braggy , but why are you letting it get to you ?

In life there are people who have more than us , and also less than us . It doesn't make them better than you or worse . You can't change that .
Comparasion is the thief of joy - as the saying goes .

It’s interesting. I’m really seeing now that the children of people who started with nothing and were obsessed with building wealth, just don’t have the same drive. They just want to find something that interests them work wise and have an easy life.

I find it hard to deal with braggers whether rich or poor. I know a few wealthy people who don’t brag about what they spend, what they buy, etc. They’re a delight to be with despite being wealthy. Likewise a few poor people who are a pain in the arse trying to brag to be something they’re not and always showing off. It’s the person, not the wealth!

@PloddingAlong21

People who revolve themselves around telling people how wealthy they are, usually aren’t. Often have Max’d out credit cards and living way beyond their means. Quiet wealth is sitting in savings, investments, pensions - not designer clothing.

I agree, it’s what I was trying to say but you’ve nailed it more eloquently.

Don't find it hard in general - and in my line of work I come across people who are worth hundreds of millions and a few billionaires. Mostly they are just normal.

What I do find annoying in general though is people not acknowledging their privilege. Saying they 'had it hard' because they only had one horse and not 5 like the family down the road, or trying to flash working class credentials by saying their parents or grandparents were brought up in poverty (but YOU weren't were you Tarquin). Lily Allen and Miquita Oliver always do this, claim to have had really impoverished upbringings and to have made their fortunes all by themselves with no help from anyone. What. Ever.

So rich people, no. But rich people who think they were / are poor? Very annoying.

Maybe. But isn't that the privilege of wealth?

I grew up with nothing and have worked extremely hard to make money. My kids are lucky enough to have a private education and trust funds. I like the idea that the pressure is off them. If they want to get high paying jobs, that's fine. Equally it's fine if they want to get low paying jobs if that's what makes them happy.

I wouldn't abide them being lazy though.

I completely agree with this! Some wealthy people (by all means not all of them) just have no comprehension of what it is like to have a tight budget. They understand you have less than them but don't really get what that means.

My PIL were like this. I can remember buying a second hand car as my old one had packed up and my MIL was horrified. "I'd never buy a second hand car! Surely you don't want something someone else has driven?!?" She didn't seem to comprehend that for me it wasn't a choice to buy a brand new car for cash like she did.

They would also moan loudly when the interest rate dropped because all their (vast) investments were making less money, oblivious to the fact that this was actually good news for our large mortgage!. Would talk about people "slumming it" and how she "couldn't bear to live like that" as if it were a choice. I'd feel like saying "well if you were poor you'd have no choice but to slum it!"

The wife of a friend's brother recently said to me, when I was having my usual moan about waiting lists, 'Do you not have private health insurance?'.

I'm way more qualified and experienced than her, and I work for a living unlike her, but it did - for a moment - make me feel rather small.

I don't really know anybody personally who's vastly richer than us.