Do you find it hard to identify with people who are a lot wealthier than you?

[Purplelivi]

I wasn’t really sure how to title this, but does anyone else find it really hard to relate to people who are a lot wealthier than they are? I’ll explain.

This is specifically to do with some family. Dh and I are comfortable off but despite both having fairly good incomes and being careful, there just isn’t loads of money left. That’s not a complaint as I feel we do ok.

But we have some older family members who are very well off, they live in very large houses indeed, were able to retire early, go on holidays every couple of months, always having their homes renovated.

That’s all fine and good, but dh and I find it a bit hard to stomach. They’ll sit there and say things like “why don’t you just go abroad for two weeks, why d PM you just get an extension, why don’t you just move to a nicer area”. They’ll tel us about some new houses being built and how they’re quite reasonable, only £xxx amount, which is way over what we could afford.

They got new kitchen and bathrooms a few years ago then changed their mind and are having it all ripped out and redone. They also will do things like send us links to their mates million pound houses on rightmove to show how lovely it is.

That’s all their own choice but sometimes I find it a bit out of touch and just don’t want to listen to it all.

I only have difficulty relating to people who are rude and disrespectful irrespective of their socio economic background

I thought you meant people you know, friends not relatives, it's a bit different with relatives as they are always there so you may dislike them anyway.

About 20 years ago or so it was socially desirable to flaunt wealth as people still believed (and it was marginally more true) that through work most people could do well for themselves. These days, people are acutely aware that most wealth is inherited one way or another, especially significant wealth, and it's almost impossible to reach such levels of wealth from hard work alone. That's why these days people are much more quiet about it, but you do get the odd person, usually older or from other cultures like the middle east who still think it makes them cool to shout about their excess of money.

I just think they sound a bit frivolous and self absorbed.

I think when it's often the main topic of conversation it gets frustrating quite quickly. It's often generational, there are lots of older people living quite a comfortable life which is no longer what most of us would expect for our retirement.

That said, I have a family member who you honestly wouldn't have any idea unless you knew his address (not that grand, but expensive suburb that wasn't always). Hasn't left the country in years but is quite financially comfortable. Very generous with time and money, but not in to spending for the sake of it and doesn't talk about it.

But also PIL who go on holiday 4 times a year, new car every 3 and ripping out kitchens and bathrooms every 5. I just think it's boring and wasteful. Constantly asking if we're getting a new car 🤣

I don't really mind if people go on more holidays than me, or have an extension or a nice kitchen.
I don't even mind if they talk about it. But it would rub if it was talked about as if it was nothing, normal. I don't have many friends who are rolling in money though, despite some good jobs and nice enough houses.

Exactly. These people are dense, and don’t compute that different people have different incomes and different financial capacities. I wouldn’t be telling a friend on minimum wage to just throw up an extension or charter a yacht, because I am not an idiot.

Depends on your definition of laziness. If by low paid job you mean something within the arts then fair enough but if you mean they literally work in a shop to pass the time because you fund their lifestyle then… Surely as parents we have high aspirations for our children and don’t really want that sort of life for them, irrespective of our personal wealth.

You haven’t said how they are related to you. By definition you should be at your wealthiest when older as you have had time to amass assets. Thats always been the way of the world.

I will say there is something far worse than being a bit crass and that is hypocrisy, when they die I hope you will not accept any inheritance if there is any as you do not like them.

It depends on the person. Wealthy people are surely just people. Some nice, some not. Some interested in people in general and some can only relate to their own kind.

And it's unfair on the retail worker who needs that job to support their family!

With respect it does sound like jealousy. How do you think people with less than you feel when you talk to them about your latest holiday etc? It is all relative.

Haven’t really responded as I wasn’t sure how best to answer.

It’s my husbands parents and aunts and uncles. It’s not really about hard work more people who have had large inheritances and benefitted from but on my cheap property years ago.

Yes they know that we are nowhere near as wealthy as them but that doesn’t stop them from constantly saying stupid things like asking when we are going to extend or why we don’t just buy a bigger house or why don’t we just go on holiday here there.

Yes we have told them it’s not affordable but they don’t listen.

Yes wealth is all relative. Childhood me would have thought I was rich, but I like to think I’m sensitive not to go on about money in front of others, if I know someone is struggling I wouldn’t go on about where I’d been on holiday.

I find talking about money in a show off way quite vulgar anyway.

My best friend of over 30 years who’s built up an amazing business with her dh has lost touch with reality over the last few years. I love her dearly, we’ve supported each other through so much. But when I needed surgery and found out the wait would be a year minimum on the nhs she was baffled as to how I didn’t have the 30 grand in savings to get it sorted. She said “but you’re nearly fifty!” Completely open mouthed with shock. I was bringing up dc on one wage while dh was caring for our disabled youngest dd and filling in the gaps for care for aging PIL.

"Yes they know that we are nowhere near as wealthy as them but that doesn’t stop them from constantly saying stupid things like asking when we are going to extend or why we don’t just buy a bigger house or why don’t we just go on holiday here there."
I know it'll be just me but I'd find it hard to resist answering stupid questions like those with a simple "Easy, when you die and I get your money". See how they respond to that!
More seriously though, they're just ignorant yet affluent people (think more effluent) and not very nice. Vulgar is a good descriptor.

All my friends have more money than me at this point. It is what it is. They're still my friends. Some things I can participate in, some things I can't. We all understand that.

This would grate enormously. I'd distance myself from that. How insensitive of her.

The arts pay terrible wages because there are enough wealthy families that will subsidise the lifestyle of their kids who want to work in them. It has effectively shut off those jobs and organisations for anyone aside from extremely wealthy families and/or those living in London.

Hair/beauty are often looked down on and considered low aspiration or low intelligence, but working in make up/retail might be her passion and can be quite creative. I don't really think retail work is lazy anyway, it's still work and it's not uncommon to work on a make up counter and also do freelance work either.

So it’s just what they talk about, it could be money it could be how pro left or right wing they are, the subject is irrelevant they just arent interesting or decent people.

the subject is irrelevant, just stop spending time with them or limit it and don’t give the conversation air time, ignore.

No. In my experience, wealth tends to amplify a person’s personality. If someone is loud, brash or showy, that can come through in how they display their wealth. Equally, if they’re modest, discreet or philanthropic, that tends to come through too.
And then there are plenty of wealthy people you’d never know were wealthy because they simply don’t talk about money and live well below their means.

I think the disconnect is not so much in actual income but in attitude towards it - I'd get on much better with someone with loads of investments but a similar day-to-day lifestyle (even if theirs was smoother and had more holidays etc) than someone with the same or lower household income who prioritised spending in areas that I don't especially value.

For example, another mum in a bigger house but who has more children in the extra bedrooms and her children all do something expensive for their hobby whereas mine is equally busy but likes much cheaper activities, no problem.
A workmate on the same salary with a similar household income whose life is dominated by following a particular football team and attending their matches, much less in common, therefore harder to get on with.

It depends on their values. We live in an area that is quite affluent and our house is pretty middle of the road.

There are a lot of families with magnificent houses, fancy cars on multiple holidays. Some of them I get on very well with because they value system isn’t centred around what they own.

Others I cannot abide because their identity their values and how they view others are all centred around what they have. So it really depends on the people. And it’s the same for a family with the lasting income than us if they have the same values, then we get on well.

I don't think that's all rich/wealthier people, I think that these people are dicks. You never know anyone's financial situation so I'd never ever say "just blah blah blah" even if it was "treat yourself to a takeaway" because I know (regardless of how well we are doing/not doing) that this isn't easy for everyone. I feel like it's super gauche to fire off "look at these million pound homes" and genuinely can't imagine any of the well off people I know doing that, they're all very conscious and almost awkward about their wealth. If I were you I'd call them out on it, humble them a bit "gosh how uncouth discussing finances" - its tasteless in my opinion.

Yes of course it’s the privilege of wealth.

I really do think that there comes a point where differences in financial circumstances create a barrier to a truly equal and meaningful relationship. At what point that happens obviously depends in the circumstances BUT in my experience it’s always the case.

It sounds more the case that the family members in question are unable to identify with people who are less wealthy than they are.

I thinks it’s really depends on the people. I’m just back from a weekend with my cousin and her 2.9 million pound second home she is renovating. I don’t feel any different towards her than I did when we were children and she is still the same warm loving person. I’d give try to see your relatives as little as possible, they sound awful.