To feel like my bro’s fiancée is being golddigger-like?

[worriedsstr]

My brother lives abroad and has done for a while. He met his fiancée there, they are getting married, and that is the country they will continue to live in after they get married.

My parents are planning to buy him a flat there. The laws in the country they live in / where the flat will be are such that, broadly speaking, anything you own before marriage isn’t divisible in a divorce, whereas anything bought, earned or gifted after marriage will considered marital property and divided. So, in very simple terms, if my parents buy my brother the flat before he gets married, it would remain his if they were ever to divorce. If they buy it after he gets married, it could potentially become a marital asset and be divided between them.

His fiancée has asked him to wait until they’re married before the flat is bought, because she wants to feel financially secure and wants half of the flat to be hers in the event of a divorce. My brother is completely happy to go along with this, so that’s where the situation currently stands.

I have to admit I’m quite concerned and I find the whole thing bizarre. I completely understand wanting financial security within a marriage, but I struggle with the idea of deliberately waiting until you’re married for a property that is being bought for one spouse by their parents, specifically because that means it could become divisible if they divorce. It’s a gift from HIS (our) parents to their son, it’s not something he has “earned” with her support or they’ve earned as a couple. They haven’t yet been told this but I know my parents will feel exactly the same way.

Maybe I’m looking at it completely the wrong way, but AIBU to think my parents should just buy their son the flat before he gets married, rather than waiting until afterwards when, under the laws of the country they will actually be living in, it could potentially become a marital asset?

I'd think it's between your brother and your parents, and not really any of your business.

So they buy him a flat. The married couple don’t need to buy a property, therefore the wife will never truly own a property, or benefit from capital appreciation etc?

Doesn’t sound fair to me. I think she’s right to be looking out for herself, when things have the potential to go wrong.

Your parents gift is to their son. How he chooses to share/protect himself is his business and is not their business. It’s even less of your business!

She sounds sensible and he agrees. Just mind your own business on this one.

And this is any of your business because...?

@jayni149@Derbee
it’s our family money and given I’m being asked my opinion and my take on it, as well as the fact he’s my brother and it’s my role as his sis to look out for him, yeah it’s my business.
let’s say some scammers try to scam your elderly granny - not your business to help her avoid this?

She sounds very sensible, keeping in mind she’s likely to have children, her career and earning potential will diminish all whilst your brothers progresses.

She sounds switched on and your brother decent husband material. Good for them!

I mean, the devil is definitely in the detail here. Will it have a mortgage, who pays for it, how will bills be split, do they want kids, are they planning on her giving up work or going part time with kids... i can see lots of scenarios in which someone could end up very vulnerable during a divorce in this kind of setup depending on how things go in their marriage.

If your brother is content then that’s the end of it.

He has picked her, out of all of the women on the planet. If he likes this kind of woman then maybe he is adhering to the idea he will be "the earner" and she will give up her earning potential to have his children. A lot of people have relationships like this and I can tell you one thing, the woman always gives up more. Some men pick women who will do this and society calls them gold diggers. You might need to think about why you consider another woman in this way and how that could be linked to why he has picked this type of woman; your parents have obviously done well with instilling internalised misogyny.

Well we hear a lot on MN about the difficulties of women who have moved in with men, given up work for children (or taken much worse-paid jobs than they are capable of) or women whose DH won’t put them on the deeds of the house and then want to LTB. This is just the other side of it.
I’m not saying OP’s brother is a B but who knows?

I would say advise those asking your opinion it is none of your business. Your parents need to make their own minds up about the situation. This will divide you and your brother if you stick yourself in the middle about this.

I wouldn’t have been happy entering a marriage where I’d be screwed over if it ended. I do think marriage should be equal and I don’t think that’s gold digging.

I entered our marriage as the one bringing more money in. Dh then started earning more than me about 10 years in but I’ve had more inheritance from relatives. We now earn the same (£2k a year difference before tax).

Overall, it’s nothing for you to get involved in.

Who has asked your opinion ?

I suppose it depends.

A giant flat that costs a fortune when your parents are struggling to get by as it is, probably not so good.

A £70 grand starter flat when your parents are multi millionaires, probably not so significant.

You sound way too involved, assuming your brother is an adult with full capacity.

Your brother isn't your elderly granny and presumably is capable of looking after himself.

How would you feel if you had no right to the property you lived in with your spouse and he wanted to divorce you? Especially if there were kids involved.

Ask your parents to withdraw the offer and see if she leaves him or throws a strop, that'll speak volumes

I sort of agree with this. If they are only paying for the deposit it should be. Oth of theirs as they will be paying it off but if they are buying it outright then I think it should be only your brothers and him and his wife can buy another property to pay off and share.

If you don't want to share your assets with someone you have no business getting married - it is literally the main point of marriage, historically and now.

So I strongly disagree with you, I think deliberately protecting assets so you keep them after a divorce is underhand behaviour, particularly for a young couple starting out in life and who may well go on to have children.

Would you advise your daughter to live in a home she has no entitlement to upon marriage to a man who claims to love her?

Or would you advise that they purchased together so she had that security and couldn’t just be homeless on the whim of her husband with no built up assets while he has a property now worth even more.

Well, the whole point of marriage is that pre and post marriage assets are shared - "two become one" in the eyes of the law - in the UK at least. In t he UK, it wouldn't matter when the flat was bought - both parties would be entitled to 50/50 (barring any special circs) if they did split up.

I think it's wrong to enter a marriage with the mindset that you might get divorced one day.

But she WILL be family after the ceremony won't she!

Which one of them will be birthing any children they have? Which one of them will have their career suffer or stopped completely? In the event of divorce which one will have most parental responsibility?

Have you voiced your concerns to him?
Is she aware that you think she's a Goldigger?

I wouldn’t want to be in a marriage where assets were deliberately ring fenced outside of it.

i also as a parent wouldn’t want to lose half “my” money in my sons divorce

in all honesty the best thing is probably not to buy the flat and let them buy their own

@GasPanic
It’s a very impressive apartment for their age and general financial position. It’s not just my parents helping them get onto the property ladder , it’s a substantial, high-end property and a level of financial security that they / most people where they live wouldn’t be realistically in a position to create for themselves until much much later in life , if ever.

If your parents had bought him the flat at any point before they became engaged, then fine - it's his; the fact that he owns the place where they are going to live in creates an obstacle that would be at odds with your parents' likely desire for the couple to live in the apartment they've bought but they'd work through it. Since your parents either didn't make the offer until after he was engaged (or for some reason didn't follow through on it earlier) it would be weird and awkward for them to intentionally create a problem at this stage by buying him the flat but ensuring that she has no equity.

If you think your brother is unaware of the difference the timing of the purchase makes and knowing might change his decision, find a tactful way but clear way to tell him. If he DOES know and has agreed to wait, butt out.

It provides her no security if it’s all just his.

So he will have security while she could be kicked out and made homeless any moment he decides.