To feel like my bro’s fiancée is being golddigger-like?

[worriedsstr]

My brother lives abroad and has done for a while. He met his fiancée there, they are getting married, and that is the country they will continue to live in after they get married.

My parents are planning to buy him a flat there. The laws in the country they live in / where the flat will be are such that, broadly speaking, anything you own before marriage isn’t divisible in a divorce, whereas anything bought, earned or gifted after marriage will considered marital property and divided. So, in very simple terms, if my parents buy my brother the flat before he gets married, it would remain his if they were ever to divorce. If they buy it after he gets married, it could potentially become a marital asset and be divided between them.

His fiancée has asked him to wait until they’re married before the flat is bought, because she wants to feel financially secure and wants half of the flat to be hers in the event of a divorce. My brother is completely happy to go along with this, so that’s where the situation currently stands.

I have to admit I’m quite concerned and I find the whole thing bizarre. I completely understand wanting financial security within a marriage, but I struggle with the idea of deliberately waiting until you’re married for a property that is being bought for one spouse by their parents, specifically because that means it could become divisible if they divorce. It’s a gift from HIS (our) parents to their son, it’s not something he has “earned” with her support or they’ve earned as a couple. They haven’t yet been told this but I know my parents will feel exactly the same way.

Maybe I’m looking at it completely the wrong way, but AIBU to think my parents should just buy their son the flat before he gets married, rather than waiting until afterwards when, under the laws of the country they will actually be living in, it could potentially become a marital asset?

Your parents should just buy the flat and let them live in it rent free

but I get where you are coming from my son has a huge inheritance from my parents

he bought a house with his partner ( protecting his deposit- but they are getting married

I explained what it means in terms of his deposit but it’s his choice

Could they do some kind of prenup? Buy the flat before marriage but after 5 years of marriage she is entitled to 25% and after 10 years 50%?

Yeah I get that, it wasnt me who raised the 'why'. I don't actually think it's of any great importance here.

You are comparing your SIL to be to scammers who con the elderly 😳

Im glad for their sake they live in a different country.

Personally if I were buying a property for my child in this scenario, I would take legal steps to ensure it was ring-fenced for their use and that they do not lose half of it in a divorce. Since about 50% of marriages end in divorce, and the most consistent refrain on MN is to 'LTB' - I think this would be a sensible thing to do. This does not mean, ofcourse, that the woman in question is a scammer or such. And, since the couple will not be paying rent, they could still invest in a property together (on the outskirts/smaller, something they can afford together) which can be split in the case of a divorce.

Hmmm I can see both sides. I can see the future wife is looking for protection but on the other hand there might never be any grandchildren and the relationship could break down after a couple of years and then it wouldn't seem fair for her to get half of the flat. Could he get legal advice to see if there is a way of providing protection for both of them?

If your parents buy the flat before they get married what is the position of your brother were to die? Would she inherit the flat or wpuld if go to your parents?

You keep talking about him being “scammed”. Why do you think he’s being scammed? Does he have learning needs or any other vulnerability? Imo you shouldn’t gift money to married couples and have an expectation it won’t be shared. His wife would be stupid to agree to never owning the property they live in jointly. If your mum is unhappy with him sharing his assets with his wife then she should not give him the money. It’s shitty and unnecessary to make your brothers wife financially vulnerable in her marriage.

Yep I agree
I didn’t do that for my son but I sort of wish I did 😂
his partner is lovely
and anyway there is always the garden patio option if they were to split 😂

Was just about to say the same thing. He'd be labelled a cocklodger or CF if the roles were reversed.

You say its your family money but have you contributed to it or is it just your mum and dad's cash.
I too think its up to your brother if he wants to wait so the house would be theirs. Does your Bro have any say in how you run your life?

OP I agree with you 100% and frankly I am amazed at the naivety of the majority of posters here. What is the current divorce rate, especially in young families? What are the additional risks of relationship breakdown if they live in the country which is foreign for one of them? Can your parents afford to lose the money spent on the flat? I may be cynical but I know exactly how mindsets work in countries with pre-marital assets protected. Your parents and your blinded by love brother have no idea. I hope they see sense. There is love and there is protection of financial security.

Let them gift your brother a deposit and the young couple pay the mortgage. That way everything is fare and everyone is protected.

I agree with you OP. What if the marriage doesn’t last. They could also buy another property themselves in a few years time.

*fair

She sounds sensible and your brother agrees. That’s the end of it really.

I think you need to trust your brother on this. if he feels she is the one for him and he trusts her enough to marry her it makes sense he trusts her enough to share assets with her.

We have given our married children large sums of money to help them move up the housing ladder. If their marriages fail their spouses will benefit from our gists and be substantially better off from 'our' family money. We just have to trust that our children have chosen well and that doesn't happen.

So it's ok for his wife to be in a vulnerable position then? If he doesn't trust her then he shouldn't get married.

If his family gets involved in his relationship so much that their opinion goes then she might be well out of it. It's the collective you that equally sound gold digger-ish.

What occurs to me is

1. as pp have said, can your parents afford it?
2. do you have any other reasons to think that the fiance is a "gold digger"
3. have you met her or had much chance to get to know her.

Supposing your parents withdraw the offer of the flat. What happens then. They live in somewhere that's not as nice, but that they can afford. Would they both be contributing?
If its something you parents could easily afford and it makes your brother happy makes his life better, as a parent I would still go through with it, unless it would work better to give him the deposit. Maybe they should buy the flat themselves..

But it would be shame, if your brother has a good relationship to be the people causing friction and might cause some long lasting resentment if the fiance genuinely wasn't a "gold digger" but heard all about how his family thought she was.

Because biology.
Assuming they have children, it is her career that will suffer.

This is the real world we live in, not some post-equality paradise where both the man's and the women's careers suffer equally when children arrive.

But surely by living rent and mortgage free, this enables her to build up her own security just as she would have had to if she wasn’t marrying someone with wealthy parents?

You obviously have a very poor opinion of your future SIL if you are comparing her to the sort of scammers that target old people.

If your future SIL is aware of your meddling, she may not want to have a relationship with you and that may include any future children they may have.

What if she wants to have kids? What if she needs that security to do that?

I don't t be think she's cheeky . If I was you parents give them a small deposit for a flat and let them pay there own pay off a
Mortgage .

In which case, if you are being asked for your opinion just give it. Just say that you think she's acting like a golddigger. You posted on here expecting everyone to agree with you, and are surprised/annoyed that they don't. It doesn't matter what type of property it is. Maybe parents could step back and let your brother and his fiancee fend for themselves, maybe give him something towards a deposit if necessary.

it’s our family money

incorrect - it’s your parents money to spend how they see fit.