To feel like my bro’s fiancée is being golddigger-like?

[worriedsstr]

My brother lives abroad and has done for a while. He met his fiancée there, they are getting married, and that is the country they will continue to live in after they get married.

My parents are planning to buy him a flat there. The laws in the country they live in / where the flat will be are such that, broadly speaking, anything you own before marriage isn’t divisible in a divorce, whereas anything bought, earned or gifted after marriage will considered marital property and divided. So, in very simple terms, if my parents buy my brother the flat before he gets married, it would remain his if they were ever to divorce. If they buy it after he gets married, it could potentially become a marital asset and be divided between them.

His fiancée has asked him to wait until they’re married before the flat is bought, because she wants to feel financially secure and wants half of the flat to be hers in the event of a divorce. My brother is completely happy to go along with this, so that’s where the situation currently stands.

I have to admit I’m quite concerned and I find the whole thing bizarre. I completely understand wanting financial security within a marriage, but I struggle with the idea of deliberately waiting until you’re married for a property that is being bought for one spouse by their parents, specifically because that means it could become divisible if they divorce. It’s a gift from HIS (our) parents to their son, it’s not something he has “earned” with her support or they’ve earned as a couple. They haven’t yet been told this but I know my parents will feel exactly the same way.

Maybe I’m looking at it completely the wrong way, but AIBU to think my parents should just buy their son the flat before he gets married, rather than waiting until afterwards when, under the laws of the country they will actually be living in, it could potentially become a marital asset?

These responses would be totally different if you were talking about your sister and her potential husband.

I agree with you OP. They won’t have a mortgage so they will be able to build their own financial security and wealth together after marriage.

Both you and your parents are interfering in a marriage before it is formed! You have positioned the future wife as a dishonest schemer and sown the seeds of such with your brother who now "admits" she is "being a bit cheeky." You are already setting them up for failure. Terrible behavior and character assassination.

If your parents decide to buy your brother the flat, he no longer had an imperative to work and save for a place as a couple. His personal finances will determine a lot of his attitude to money and ambition in their future. His drive will be different to his wife, caused by you and your parents. The relationship seems to have an instinctive equality between them, but you lot are introducing inequality.

Your family would be better placed to come up with a different and better solution. They could offer a deposit as a previous poster suggested. There are many ways they could help out without creating division in a couple before they have even started their lives together.

Right now it seems that all you can see is money, and all you want to do is keep said money. But there is a lot more going on, and to lose sight of that is a mistake.

I can see both sides. It's not unreasonable for your parents to want to avoid their generosity going to someone outside the family (if your brother and SIL get divorced) but it's also not unreasonable for your SIL to be worried about her future financial security (eg if they have kids and then split up and she's left as the resident parent trying to make ends meet while he has the lovely apartment).

This.

If this was your sister, you'd be absolutely on her side that she's going to be left homeless possibly with kdis to care for if he changes his mind in a few years, and trapped if he has an affair etc.

What she needs to do if your parents buy it now is make sure she put money towards her own savings pot / property so that if he decides I na few years he's bored of her, she's not totally screwed.

YABU. It’s a gift for your brother and it’s on him to take that risk. They could just as easily gift him a load of cash and he could blow it on drugs or something.

Marriage should be entered into with an open heart. You’re going to need to get used to your brother and his wife as part of your family’. They’ll have combined finances and possibly kids. That’s the way it is. You’ve probably already chucked poison into the well with your attitude.

Surely the only sensible answer is that the apartment is bought pre-marriage, and they use the money they save on housing to build shared marital assets?

Presumably your parents like their son's prospective wife and approve of the marriage, otherwise they would not be likely to make such a generous offer.

Stay out of it OP

It is not as simple as that I think.

The way it is nowadays, men and women start off in the workplace with men out earning women by 20% ish and by the end of professional work life that difference is much bigger.

As a society we still put the financial burden of children on women in that they do, by and large, the caring, they earn less in their fertile years, and often in the case of divorce, end up doing the lions share at a cost of career.

Until we sort that shit out, it cannot be sauce for goose is sauce for gander in, for example, property - but not in money earning potential.

The thing is that if your brother died, his wife would inherit the home. This is just to protect him in the case of a divorce. Of course your parents want to protect him there - as do you. It's his partner that doesn't want to protect him in case of a divorce!

You could say anyone was a gold-digger. On MN, lots of women are married to high-earners. Those who aren’t, are told to LTB or train themselves, to earn more (while still running the home etc…). Some suggest that a DH might become the stay-at-home-parent. Does that then make him a cocklodger?

Sounds like this lady is being sensible. They are getting married, it seems fair to have shared finances? In the event of a divorce, most women will want a certain amount of security, especially with children. My sister has been gifted money, helped with property. by our parents. Her DH benefits from it, of course.

@worriedsstr
i agree with you
if this was my sibling bells would be ringing and red flags would be waving
your parents need to buy it beforehand and just go ahead!
it’s not her money to claim

I wonder what all those people here who are on the 'brother's side' would say if this were their son and they were buying a flat for him. Would you still be happy for his fiancee' to ask they are bought the flat after they marry so she can have half if they divorce?

Your parents best bet is to buy the flat and rent it out at a very low rate to the happy couple that way both your brother and his wife can save a substantial amount each month. This would give your SIL the financial security she needs. If the marriage breaks down they simply split their savings and your brother continues to live in the apartment.

Confused when you say "our family money" Do you pool your financial resources with your mum and dad? And all 3 of you have an equal financial input into large purchases?

Are you putting a third into this flat?

They should own the flat and let your brother and his wife live there rent free. The couple can build their assets from there, live where they want, and be at a financial advantage compared to paying for housing. She will not be at any additional risk financially or any less stable than if they had to pay for housing!

Is she a scammer? Or someone who is protecting her future?

Is there a reason you think your brother isn't capable of making his own sensible decisions?

1. Stay out of it
2. really stay out of it
3. see 1 then see 2

Why are they buying it?
Is it because they want to buy him a house - In which case maybe doing it before he got engaged would have been helpful and made things clearer
Or are they buying it because he's getting married?
If so, then it's a celebration of the two of them and therefore should be theirs.

What did your parents gift you? I’d expect equality between siblings?

The posters saying "not your business" have the same grabby mindset as your future SiL.

Kinda seeing why brother moved to another country OP. Get your nose out, it's nothing to do with you.

Your brother and parents are fools if they go along with this
50% of relationships fail so it’s just being realistic

being Housed for free give BOTH of them an opportunity to save and invest and get some marital assets built up

It's not your business, but if it was, I'd say she has a right not to want to be left homeless and penniless in the event of divorce.

You seem like a really annoying busybody. Keep out of it and get a hobby