To think this is a bit ott? Meeting friend

[TheSpoonyMaker]

Friend/old colleague. I last saw her in early July, I asked if she fancied having a coffee (and I'll happily travel to her, she lives about 8 miles from me).
She said 'we'll plan it when my daughter is settled in her new year'. Her daughter is going into year 9 I believe.

That was about 3 weeks ago, I just asked her to let me know what date was best then, no point chasing it. I just think, I'm asking you to meet for an hour for a coffee, not a 2-week holiday or something, and I'm travelling to you.

I'll probably be told I 'don't get it' because I don't have children but it just sounds a bit ott, will she not associate with anyone else until she deems her child settled in? Yes it sounds harsh, then people say 'just go and find new friends' but most people my age are the same sadly so it's not easy.

You've answered your own question really, she's not bothered by having a friendship with you anymore. Sometimes it just happens, nothing really personal, just grow apart doing own thing.

There's a possibility she doesn't want to meet up and isn't very interested in the friendship.
I had a very old friend like that who kept putting me off and coming up with excuses when I asked.
Let it go and leave the ball in her court. If you hear nothing more, there's your answer.

I'd just drop it OP - to be honest it does sound a bit like an excuse and she just doesn't want to meet up for whatever reason - as do the super-short text messages.

But if you don’t tell your close friends that you’re going through a tough time, how are
are they to know why you’re ignoring them?

They’re not psychic.

You don’t need to give all the intricate details. But a simple ‘bear with me, I’ve got a bit on my plate at the moment and am not very good company right now’ is all it takes to just let your friends know that you want to see them but aren’t up to it right now.

One of my 2 best friends has a child. We’re both in our 40’s. (I am child free)

She wants to catch up regularly and will talk through stuff she’s dealing with, knowing that I’m there as a sounding board.

How close are you to this woman?

I know lots of people here are coming up with reasons around what the issues with her child may be. But they don’t know and she hasn’t given you any info around it. Her child may be perfectly fine and she’s just not that interested in meeting up with you and is fobbing you off.

So I think, all you can do now is leave the ball in her court. You’ve asked, and followed up. Leave it at that and focus on your other friendships.

She does have a right to judge and she has to in order to know whether to continue putting effort into the friendship.

OP either there is something going on or, more likely, seeing you just isn't a priority. I'd leave it now and see if she comes to you UNLESS she's a very good friend.

🙄

Just leave it OP
The ball is in her court now. You've done enough. If she wanted to meet she would.

Excatly.
I think non parents are selfish.

She doesn’t want to meet you and you are not getting the obvious hint

Sometimes yes, because dealing with family issues also affects your own mental health and if you are worried and stressed about your child it is difficult to put on a happy face and pretend that everything is fine but you also don't want to meet up with people just to bring doom and gloom to them.

If you don’t tell anyone why you’re ignoring them or fobbing them off then it’s very likely you will be ditched. If someone tells me they’re having a hard time I’m sympathetic, but if they just go silent for seemingly no reason then I assume they don’t want to make an effort and match their energy.

You sound like you need some hobbies, ones that involve regular social interaction.

When you have kids, you’re constantly overly stimulated and you just don’t need the level of social interaction that people with more free time and no kids need. It’s not about shutting friends out, it’s about not having the social battery left over to even be able to socialise. If you don’t even know if the child has any mental health issues or is struggling in any way, it sounds like you aren’t that close and you just won’t be top of her list of people to see.

This, though I was going to say option 3 is more likely.

If OP has messaged several times and been given the brush off, I’d simply regard it as being faded out and move on.

Walk away, OP. Your friend is rude and suffering a bout of main character syndrome. I mean, would it kill her to communicate rather than leave you hanging? You need better friends.

I didn't and I'm so thankful whenever I have needed a friend. I'm also happy my friends can call on me when they need support or just company.
Empty-nesting is looming and I'm glad I won't be scratching around trying to re/build friendships.
I'm sorry, OP.

Well, or she simply has less need for contact?

You don’t know that she’s shut off all friends. She may well be catching up with the ones that understand whatever it is she may be needing support with.
Let’s face it, from your posts, that isn’t going to be you. Which is ok btw as it is for you to look for new friends. It is what it is with no one really “at fault” 🤷‍♀️

Just leave the ball in her court and consider if you really want to play, should it ever make its way over the net - honestly, she isn't that bothered about meeting up so drop it.

Very dismissive; these 'things' can vary dramatically depending on how many things there are, what those things are and how long the build-up of many little things has been going on. There's also the fact that people's tolerance and resilience levels are very different; what one person copes with, another will struggle with, and some people can be more proactive in soldering through others' retreat.

'Things' going on is a very simplistic view to take, quite ignorant, really.

I have gone through some 'things' recently; I'm coping ok. Some going through he same thing are on the sick; another thought about suicide; another who dealt with a similar thing at work never returned; and the wider public, if they dealt with this 'thing' probably would be very traumatised. But by your theory, you would just compare it and lump it in with 'things' everyone deals with.

Edited to add, not everyone is forthcoming with the things they are dealing with, so how can you judge?

There could be any number of reasons why she isn’t giving you a time to meet for coffee. Just answering “Yes” when you asked if her daughter had settled in seemed a bit off to me. Maybe she is really struggling with something. The thing is, unless she tells you what the problem is the only thing you can do is back off. I wouldn’t text again. Not out of snippiness but because it might be very annoying if she is under some pressure. She knows where you are. Leave it to her to get in touch.

Wait for her to contact you, if she doesn't, it's best to forget about this person, and move on with your life.

Ultimately if you get so overwhelmed with something and can't tell your friends why you're avoiding them you have to be realistic. People aren't toys that you can put on a shelf and take for granted that they'll stay there until you are ready to pick them up again. People may lose interest in you and choose to focus on people that do make time for them.

But just because she said ot at that moment dors not mean it is a constant thing for her she may be busy with other things toy only lnow what you habe made up ans thinking she is out because of that statement alone makes me think you leave other issues

Maybe she said it and forgot about 5 mind later, dont make your issues her issues she has done nothing wrong

Who is overwhelmed? The friend made one statement?