To think this is a bit ott? Meeting friend

[TheSpoonyMaker]

Friend/old colleague. I last saw her in early July, I asked if she fancied having a coffee (and I'll happily travel to her, she lives about 8 miles from me).
She said 'we'll plan it when my daughter is settled in her new year'. Her daughter is going into year 9 I believe.

That was about 3 weeks ago, I just asked her to let me know what date was best then, no point chasing it. I just think, I'm asking you to meet for an hour for a coffee, not a 2-week holiday or something, and I'm travelling to you.

I'll probably be told I 'don't get it' because I don't have children but it just sounds a bit ott, will she not associate with anyone else until she deems her child settled in? Yes it sounds harsh, then people say 'just go and find new friends' but most people my age are the same sadly so it's not easy.

Maybe she’s been busy. So text or call and say what day can you do next week

I did, but not heard yet. I asked if her daughter had settled in well she just said "yes", don't want to push it further. Everyone is busy but I feel like you need to actually make some effort if you want friendships, if you don't have a single spare hour something is wrong.

Assuming there isn't some monumental underlying reason like disability or mental health issues, it's way OTT!

when my daughter was in year 9, she was going through a mental health crisis and would be totally dysregulated at times if I left the house to do something without her. I wonder if she’s got something like that going on: the “settling into the new school year” suggests it

Afaik there aren't any issues like that but I may be wrong.

Three options:

1. There is something up with her DD

2. She’s scatty and just not got around to setting a date

3. she doesn’t actually want to have a coffee with you.

I’d put money on option 2.

Some people love to make a big massive meal out of everything. Bet she has to book a week off work to cut her toenails.

I think this is partially the reason I don't have children. I don't feel I'm in a position to shut off everyone else and not associate with people like that.

You have absolutely no clue what's happening in this woman's life, so you have no right to judge.

My initial thought is she doesn't want to meet up. Especially now you said she just answered 'yes' to your last message and nothing else.

Is this out of character for her? Do you usually text her first and arrange to meet?

In the absence of a laughing emoji, 😂😂😂

It does sound ridiculous to say you can't meet because of settling a 13 year old in. I take it she must have a lot of additional needs, does mum have to go into school with her? Because I've heard of that in other countries, but never here, and I've got lots of parent friends whose children have a lot of needs, but it doesn't stop them meeting friends, on occasions.

See this is always trotted out, but everyone has 'things' going on.

Does she work? I wouldn't have coffee time in the week due to work, and at the weekend maybe she has plans, or her DD isn't mature enough to be left yet, or gets anxious around the new school year so she wants to be around for her. If someone asked to meet me for coffee in October I'd honestly struggle at this point.

Ah well not much i can do.

You’ve just judged the OP !!

Teen mental health issues and bullying can be consuming. I went through it with my DD, they may not seem big issues from the outside but seeing your child in emotional pain and having zero control over it is one of the worst things to go through.
I know your friend hadn't said that is happening but I see no other reason for her to be worried about a year 9 settling back in to school. At that age it's the child's story to tell too so she may be respecting her privacy not sharing specifics.

Tbh id assume i was being given the brush off and I wouldn't ask again.

Call me naive, I don't have kids but if your child is having some sort of issues like this (barring life-threatening, emergencies etc) do people still shut off any form of social contact for the foreseeable future?

Some do.

If the OP had had the woman’s name and photo printed in the Times alongside calls for her to be shunned and tomatoes thrown at her house, your response might be proportionate.

Face it, you just aren’t a priority.

She’s just not that into you.

The issue is, at my sort of age (mid 30s) most women around me have children, so it's quite tough. I wonder if the solution is making older friends.

If someone had asked me to have a coffee a few years ago I would have been in the same position. Child struggling at school to the point where it was all consuming. They became suicidal. Nothing else in life really mattered or got a look in but very few people knew what was going on because it was my child’s personal story. So yes, I’d think you are being a bit naive. Can’t say if that’s what’s going on for your friend though.