AIBU to end an abusive relationship while coping with abortion grief?

[SexandtheSettee]

Hello, I'm not sure I've posted this in the right place. Sorry if I haven't. I just need some comfort. I am in despair right now.

I'm 29, been dating someone for a year. Started off lovely. Got on great. Genuinely loved one another.

Introduced each other to our children. I have two. He has one.

Anyway, his other side slowly crept in. He would BLOW UP over the smallest things. Started with screaming at me. Then escalated to throwing his phone or vape for example. Then the name calling. He would always accuse me about lying to him. While simultaneously lying to me.

Never knew if he cheated.

Anyway, I've forgiven way more than I should have. He kept promising he'd change. Never did. I stayed stupidly for the good times. No, my kids or his Never witnessed this.

I got caught pregnant to him, had the tablet abortion three days ago. First night he was in mine. Did help with my kids, done shopping etc. Second night he began being nasty to me. Had me sobbing. Then third night, last night he was just so cold. So I ended it.

Told him to go, had to contact his mum. Told her everything. Over the past year, I do not recognise who I've became. I've slowly isolated myself over the past year. Lost so much weight. Don't see friends or family. My friends hate him.

But I'm struggling so much accepting that it's over. I'm dealing with this abortion alone. He said I'll regret ending us. Dunno why, but it's gotten inside my head. I'm in pain, I keep crying, I've never felt so sad.

Really trying to show up for my two kids but it's so hard.

I genuinely know I have made the right choice. But I'm still so sad. Sorry, I haven't even covered half of what he was like with me. Just need someone to tell me to stick to my guns x

I aborted my pregnancy to an abusive man in 2001 when I was 29. I never met anyone else and ended up not having kids.

I STILL don’t regret it for a second. If I’d gone ahead that man would still be in my life and it would have been unbearable. This is your chance - you’ve already made two of the hardest decisions; keep strong, heal, spend some time soloing it, and then start again. I know you can do this - if you are strong enough to end it then you are strong enough to keep going. Every day will hurt a little less.

Thank you for your reply. Sorry you had to go through that.

I just keep crying randomly, wishing he could take accountability & be better. But I know that won't happen

You will recover from all of this much easier without an abusive arsehole in your life.

Well done on ending it. They all say you'll regret it, they have to pull you down because it's the only way they keep control of you. Stay strong, block all communication, tell your friends.

I have blocked & changed my number. I know that was a drastic move, but I would've kept caving. Hoping he'd reach out. I don't know how I'll ever get over it. I feel really vulnerable & lonely

I aborted my abusers baby. I don’t regret it for one second. He would’ve ended up killing is both if I’d stayed. You’ve done the right thing by not tying yourself to this abusive dick for life. Be really kind to yourself, you’ve been really brave ending things. ❤️

He is an abusive monster. You did absolutely the right thing in ending this relationship. How could you carry on accepting this behaviour. If you are finding it hard to get over your abortion there is counselling available.

I am so sorry for your grief over your abortion. 💐💕

Do not grieve this man though. And remember he would have been harmful to the child and you, and your other children one way or another.

Please do not let your natural despair over the abortion confuse you: the lost baby is not the same as him. Get away from him immediately and get help so you don’t go back to him.

Thanks for all the replies. They mean a lot too me.

I feel so sad because I genuinely love him & naturally my mind keeps going to the good parts & we've bonded with each others kids.

But his temper was horrendous & then he'd leave a trail of destruction, me being the destruction then he'd ask if I would forget about it. I'd get accused of cheating etc.

But I found viagra in his pocket. He acted like he didn't know what they was then I chatgpt them & obviously asked, why the hell he had them in his pocket. Turned out they're his dad's. But he exploded on me, saying I dont trust him & he used them with me because hes been feeling unattractive etc. Obviously that's likely a lie now.

But he instantly deflected, threw his vape, then walked out of the house around 12am. The day before my abortion.

Thats one example.

Thank you x

Mine also threw stuff at me. I didn’t end it straight away. He wheedled his way back in and pressured me to have sex too soon after my surgical termination (no tablets those days). It gave me an infection and put me in hospital. He didn’t even come and see me - he booked a last minute break.
I couldn’t end it fast enough then. So don’t take him back.

You are a strong woman - you’ve grown two humans! You can do this too.

OP, one reason you are so upset is because this man is neither what you thought he was, nor who you wanted him to be. Sadly, he has shown you his true colours, and you are so much better off without him. Of course you’re feeling very raw this soon after terminating a pregnancy - but you know you’ve done the right thing, and you can now get this creep out of your life and move on. And you absolutely won’t regret it. 💐

Thanks for the new replies.

I know in the long run, I'll be so much better off. But I feel so vulnerable and alone. How he was so quick to absolutely put it all back on me. Saying I'm making him out to be worse than he is. Etc.

Hard to accept the man you love would rather lose you, than change

I echo this. I had a termination at 19 while with an abusive man. In my case I stayed with him for another 5 years before I got the strength to leave. I have never regretted my decision to terminate and am thankful I live in a country where we still have the choice.

stay strong. The feelings are confusing, but you’ve done the best thing for you and your existing kids.

good luck.

You did the right thing. Well done for being brave. It’s hard to keep going for the kids when you’re feeling broken, but things WILL get better, I promise. Remember also that your hormones are probably still settling and they can make you feel low temporarily.

Sending you a hug. Be gentle on yourself.

You’ve just took major hormones. Youve done the right thing. But this isn’t like popping paracetamol. It’s serious medicine and it will impact you. Give yourself some grace, take care of yourself and know that this feelings are intensified by what you’ve just been through xx

If it has only been a year, then your friends are not a lost cause. Reach out to the best of them, thank them for seeing what you did not in this man, share that you have made this choice but are hurting now, and some of them may become closer to you then than ever before. They may help you to feel less alone. And they will feed your strength.

Since you did end it, then remember also that this is a strong sign that you are stronger than you may feel. You did well to exit when you did, seeing that he was unhealthy for you. A year is actually pretty fast.

You may have truly loved a part of this man, but not the whole man. In a relationship you get the whole person, including all of the worst bits. If he was abusive and isolated you from your friends and family, then that sounds like enough data to know that the bad bits, with this man, were simply unacceptable, and that even if his qualities were amazing, you are better off without him in your life.

First of all, congratulations for finding the courage to go through with the termination, and also get rid of your abuser. This is a MASSIVE achievement and shows how strong you are deep down OP, as this is honestly the absolute hardest part.

You say that you love him, but what you fell in love with, was an image, not the real man, because he wasn't showing you the nasty, violent, vile parts of him, that have finally given you the courage to separate from him. It's a bit like when we were teenagers, and would have such strong feelings for a pop star or celebrity, whose poster you might have put on your bedroom wall, you would look at that poster every time you were in your room, and fantasise about being with him, but then years later, you might have seen him interviewed on TV, and thought OMG, why on earth did I have such a crush on him, he's horrible?

So, instead of dwelling on how much you loved him, (which you didn't, you only loved the 'image' that he showed you), keep reminding yourself of all of the nasty things he did, how he would shout at you, and make you feel miserable and scared.

I know how much you must be hurting right now OP, and really feel for you. He said that you will regret ending things between you, but rest assured, given time, the only thing you will regret is staying with him for as long as you did.

I don't think you've said whether you actually lived together OP, but if you did, can I ask how your kids got on with him, and how old they are?

We didn't live together. But he stayed often & my children loved him. My youngest is especially upset about it

I'm really struggling. I know its nearly 2am in the morning & I've had about an hour's sleep. Woke back up & now I'm laying in bed crying my eyes out.

I know it sounds stupid, but I miss him terribly. What I miss, I don't know. But I do. I just need to be strong.

@SexandtheSettee - well done for having the strength to walk away from a man who would have destroyed your and your children’s lives. There is a cycle of abuse. No-one abuses all the time. In an abusive relationship, the good times feel particularly good because of the contrast with the hellishly bad times. There is also relief that you are seeing the good side. And abusers often love bomb to try and repair the damage they have done. All this makes the good times seem better than they truly are. This is also why a very important measure of a relationship is how the rough patches feel. When DH and i are going through a rough patch, it just feels a bit meh. It’s not terrifying or traumatising or scary.

You’ve done very well to get away. You have loved an undeserving man. It will take your heart a while to catch up with your head but that will happen. Reach out to friends and family. You might find Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood helpful to read.

Really feeling it this morning 😔

You have been so brave. What can you do to look after yourself this morning? Just focus on the next few things you can do, for the next few hours, you don't need to deal with it all in one go x

You don’t love him op, you never loved him- you loved who you wanted him to be, who he looked like he was sometimes, and who he pretended to be. That is not love, he is not able to be loved.

You have done the very best thing for literally everyone, well done! Your children’s lives would have been worse with him in it.

Focus on yourself and your kids, get some mental health support if you can, move forward and stay single! You will be extra vulnerable right now and likely to attract the same sorts of men.

I'm just trying to keep myself occupied. Not working today, or this week tbh. Don't have the mental capacity for it.

Just feel really down & weepy x

You've made the right decision, for you and for your kids. Even if they loved him it is terrible for them to grow up seeing someone treat you like that - and guaranteed he would have started on them at some point. The extreme emotions of an abusive relationship can be addictive, you just need to take time to get some distance and everything will look better. If you wake in the night listen to something like a podcast or audio book so that you don't listen to your thoughts. Same when you are doing housework. Keep yourself busy and distracted.