AIBU to end an abusive relationship while coping with abortion grief?

[SexandtheSettee]

Hello, I'm not sure I've posted this in the right place. Sorry if I haven't. I just need some comfort. I am in despair right now.

I'm 29, been dating someone for a year. Started off lovely. Got on great. Genuinely loved one another.

Introduced each other to our children. I have two. He has one.

Anyway, his other side slowly crept in. He would BLOW UP over the smallest things. Started with screaming at me. Then escalated to throwing his phone or vape for example. Then the name calling. He would always accuse me about lying to him. While simultaneously lying to me.

Never knew if he cheated.

Anyway, I've forgiven way more than I should have. He kept promising he'd change. Never did. I stayed stupidly for the good times. No, my kids or his Never witnessed this.

I got caught pregnant to him, had the tablet abortion three days ago. First night he was in mine. Did help with my kids, done shopping etc. Second night he began being nasty to me. Had me sobbing. Then third night, last night he was just so cold. So I ended it.

Told him to go, had to contact his mum. Told her everything. Over the past year, I do not recognise who I've became. I've slowly isolated myself over the past year. Lost so much weight. Don't see friends or family. My friends hate him.

But I'm struggling so much accepting that it's over. I'm dealing with this abortion alone. He said I'll regret ending us. Dunno why, but it's gotten inside my head. I'm in pain, I keep crying, I've never felt so sad.

Really trying to show up for my two kids but it's so hard.

I genuinely know I have made the right choice. But I'm still so sad. Sorry, I haven't even covered half of what he was like with me. Just need someone to tell me to stick to my guns x

OP, your hormones will be absolutely wild due to the pregnacy and termination. Please keep reminding yourself of that - you're not able to think straight because of the hormones. For tonight, delete his number. Just start scrubbing him out. One foot in front of the other, one breath in and out at a time x

I have blocked him amd changed my number. I'm just heartbroken, I know I'll get over it. Just genuinely struggling at the minute

Hi lovely, I went through something very similar if you ever need an ear to listen. The version of you that found the inner strength to pull yourself away from an abusive man is in there. That was your way of digging deep and fighting your a better life than the one in front of you. Even when they are awful to you, it is normal to still feel emotionally reliant on them; I know I did! And when they are cold and cruel towards you, it is hurtful. But I promise that in time, you will realise the strength it took and you will turn a corner. Just day by day for now x

What things did you do, to deal with the heartache? I've never been on so many drives in my life. X

Hope you've found a nice film to watch together xx I have found it useful to have a kind mantra to repeat to myself when I'm really upset, to soothe my nervous system. Like you would say to a friend if they were with you and you needed to calm them. You need to be your own best friend when everyone else is busy and you feel overwhelmed when you are alone. Something like, 'I'm going through a really tough time, I'm finding it hard but I've made the right decision and I'm going to be OK.' And then repeat it as often as you need to. I find this helpful, and say it in my head or out loud.

Thanks. I'll try that. I'll try anything as long as it helps. Never felt in such despair x

I’ll be honest, for a while there, nothing was truly a distraction. But my advice would be, to try to find windows to do things that bring you back to who you are, the you before this man, the whole person you are, because the treatment really ebbs away at your sense of self and confidence. Talk to loved ones, friends, family, if you can. You won’t feel it now, but time really is your friend. Hang in there and talk here if you need to!!

You have made 2 tough decisions but it sounds like the wisest choice all round. Your future self will thank you

I will do, I have completely turned into someone I don't recognise anymore. As soon as I'm back on my feet properly, I am gonna start doing things I done, before him x

Chin up sweetie, keep posting here if your friends are busy. Ignore any stupid ignorant comments. We’re all rooting for you.

Thank you so much, that means a lot x

I'm late to the thread,but just wanted to send my love to you 💐

You have made a difficult decision,but in doing so you have prioritised your childrens' happiness and saftey - and of course your own.

Good for you. You should be proud of yourself for leaving him. And for recognising that you weren’t happy, and that he was abusive. You’ve done brilliantly. Sorry it is rubbish for now but as long as you stay strong and see the situation for what it is you will be in a much better place a few months down the line. Don’t go back.

Thank you. I know deep down it's the best decision I've made. X

Thank you. I am trying my hardest not to go back. I don't want too. I am determined. Even though it's killing me

OP, you say you've blocked him, but have YOU deleted his number?

You have done the right thing ending the relationship.

Yes, all traces gone

That's great! Well done. At least that way you're unlikely to be able to call him, if you get desperate.

Hang in there OP, you're doing GREAT!!

What a bully arsehole piece of shit! You need to be strong. It really is hard when your mind tries the whole "but he was nice for 5 mins" bullshit but its because your brain in some warped way doesnt want to face the fact hes been so mean and you've tolerated it.
It would be FAR easier if you could replay all the shit hes done and made you feel but its never that simple until you've been through so much.

His mother better have went nuclear on him and told him to leave you alone! I so cannot be fucked with "men" who behave in such vileness!

Be kind to yourself, you have done the right thing. Keep talking on here if it helps. Just want to give you a massive hug.

You've 100% done the right thing and you should be proud. Your feelings are completely normal, particularly given the hormones and the emotional effects of having a termination. Blocking him and going no contact is the best thing you can do. It will get easier and you will rebuild your confidence and your life. Be kind to yourself and take it one day at a time ❤️

Take him out of the picture OP and just focus on yourself and your lovely children. Forget him.

What a horrible man and what a traumatic experience to go through. Please be assured that you've done the right thing by cutting all ties with this nasty individual. It would have become worse and worse as time went on and you would have found yourself and your children in an impossible and dangerous position. In the meantime, it might be helpful to give the Pregnancy Crisis helpline a ring. They offer post-termination support. Their number is 0800 368 9296. Chin up, chucky egg. It might not feel like it now, but you'll get there, I promise you.

Awful man, glad you escaped!
Take care xx

Hope you've been OK today OP. Stay strong!