AIBU to end an abusive relationship while coping with abortion grief?

[SexandtheSettee]

Hello, I'm not sure I've posted this in the right place. Sorry if I haven't. I just need some comfort. I am in despair right now.

I'm 29, been dating someone for a year. Started off lovely. Got on great. Genuinely loved one another.

Introduced each other to our children. I have two. He has one.

Anyway, his other side slowly crept in. He would BLOW UP over the smallest things. Started with screaming at me. Then escalated to throwing his phone or vape for example. Then the name calling. He would always accuse me about lying to him. While simultaneously lying to me.

Never knew if he cheated.

Anyway, I've forgiven way more than I should have. He kept promising he'd change. Never did. I stayed stupidly for the good times. No, my kids or his Never witnessed this.

I got caught pregnant to him, had the tablet abortion three days ago. First night he was in mine. Did help with my kids, done shopping etc. Second night he began being nasty to me. Had me sobbing. Then third night, last night he was just so cold. So I ended it.

Told him to go, had to contact his mum. Told her everything. Over the past year, I do not recognise who I've became. I've slowly isolated myself over the past year. Lost so much weight. Don't see friends or family. My friends hate him.

But I'm struggling so much accepting that it's over. I'm dealing with this abortion alone. He said I'll regret ending us. Dunno why, but it's gotten inside my head. I'm in pain, I keep crying, I've never felt so sad.

Really trying to show up for my two kids but it's so hard.

I genuinely know I have made the right choice. But I'm still so sad. Sorry, I haven't even covered half of what he was like with me. Just need someone to tell me to stick to my guns x

Sweetheart, you don't miss him. You're missing the man you want him to be/thought he was. He isn't that man and probably never was. He could only hold the mask for so long, then it slipped.
You've done the right thing. You've protected your DC and yourself

You've been through so much, and you're still right in the middle of it. Be as gentle as you can with yourself, if you feel like doing things and keeping busy then do, but if you need to stop and rest and cry and feel it, then do that too. That's your mind and body processing what's happened to you. That's good you are not having to work at the moment, taking care of yourself needs to be your priority right now. You've been through such a lot xx

I've never had an abusive relationship , nor an abortion but I think hormonal issues are messing with your head at the moment .

It sounds like you have been through a lot with this piece of shit ( he really is ) and your mind has to catch up with believing this .

Hypothetically , fast forward a few months , he's been awful to you in the past . What if your kids start picking up on this , or even witness it ? It would change them or even they could be pulled into it , he might turn it into them . You honestly don't want to go there .
Be brave and ride out this period in your life , in a few months things will settle and get back to normal and you will look back and realise you've done the best for you and your family .

OP, you are doing exactly the right thing. Keep him out of your life, and don’t look back. For your children’s sake as well as your own.

You say they love him, but growing up with an abusive parent or step-parent destroys children’s lives and warps their ability to make healthy relstionships. Not to mention the high risk that he will physically harm them.

Sorry for what you’re going through. You made the right decision. He will never have changed , if he loved you he wouldn’t have abused you. He would have got worse. You say none of it happened in front of your children but it would have, he would have ended up frightening them.
You will move on from this.

Just catching up on all the replies. I appreciate them so much. Everyone is so right & I know I've made the right decision. Doesn't make it any easier.

I can't even stand to be in my house at the moment because everything reminds me of him.

I still keep crying spontaneously but I expect that. I honestly do not know what I miss about him, because he was genuinely awful when he started & I know staying in a relationship where I was too scared to even talk in fear of him exploding is not normal.

I do deserve better. It's just really hard especially with going through this abortion.

OP, can I suggest that you go out for a good long walk in nature today, if that's at all possible? We all know that being in nature is good for our mental health, and assuming that the kids are at school, and you can go out on your own, I would suggest that initially you walk as fast as you possibly can, really stomp it out, using all that pent up emotion to push yourself on. I can almost guarantee that you will feel better for doing it, and if nothing else, the exercise and fresh air will do you good.

When I had a really major upsetting issue in my life, I went out in the garden, and hacked a huge shrub (about 7ft high, and 6ft wide) down to 18" high, by the time I had finished, and disposed of all the waste, I felt SO much better. So if you've never tried either of these things as a remedy to feeling utterly bereft, you may find it helps you get through the day.

Remember your hormones and emotions will still be settling down, so hopefully in a week or two, the tears will dry up and you'll feel a bit more like your old self. You've been brave and you've done the right thing. Be kind to yourself.

I would love too, but I can't with being in the middle of an abortion. I'm still bleeding and getting pain. But I have been on a drive & had a coffee.

I'm going over to my mums soon & I am in frequent contact with my mates which is helping too. But once I'm back on my feet I will be back in the gym as I'm usually very active anyway

I'm sorry OP, I'd forgotten that you may still be in pain, but glad to hear that you're normally very active. However, rather than going to the gym, which whilst good for you, is still part of your old routine, and something that you were doing while you were with him, breaking the routine, and getting out in nature for your exercise may be more beneficial to your mental wellbeing while you're still struggling emotionally.

I would also suggest that where possible, you start going to different places, and doing different things, possibly even learning a new skill, all of which will help to take your mind off what you're going through.

Above all, stay strong, you've done the hardest part, and you got through the night. From now on it will slowly get easier. Sending you a virtual sisterly hug.

Really? On what planet would he have his dad’s viagra. He’s done a number on you if you believe that.

Don’t be me. Leave and stay strong. Every day it will get easier. Maybe only a tiny bit. But it adds up.

As hard as it is to believe. They actually were his dad's. But I don't believe for one second he used them for me. I believe he's cheated

Thanks for the reply. I am just struggling a lot with accepting it. But as soon as I am fine to do some exercise I will be. Including walking

Hi OP, hope that it was good being with your Mum today, and I hope that she was able to look after you.

It took my mind off it for a minute. But now I'm home, with just me & my kids, I'm really feeling it again. Hate it, just wish the heartache would go away

I'm going through a complicated heartbreak too, I sympathise, it's devastating. It is confusing loving them and hating them at the same time, wanting comfort from the person that has hurt you. I hope things get easier for you. Stay strong. You got this far, you can make it through the evening. And you will make through each day that comes x

So sorry you're going through it. Heartbreak is so, so painful. I'm really struggling with it 😪

Sorry, if anyone is still reading this thread. I'm really struggling tonight. It's taking all of my strength to not reach out to him. I've done nothing but cry. I feel so, so low 😞 I know I sound like a broken record x

Reach out to a friend, parents, anyone else but him.

If you contact him you will just green light him back into your life and for the abuse to continue, and get worse.

I have. But they're busy with their own lives. I feel like I'm annoying them always needing their support

Had you read my first post, my children never were exposed to it. Hence why I left, before they was. There's absolutely no need for your comments. Because I've still been there 100% for my two kids. Had I have put him first, I would never have left him. Doesn't make it any easier for me & definitely doesn't mean I've put him before my kids. At all.

I imagine the pp was thinking your mood and emotions may be affecting your kids now, today. You seem in a really bad place. I too think the Freedom Programme may be a good idea.

The Samaritans would be good people to call, when you're feeling low and you can't/won't call friends or family. I've called them a couple of times in my life and they are brilliant.

These feelings will ease. Don't give in to them. It's all going to be OK.

You're not sorry for being harsh. You're positively rubbing your trotters in delight at kicking a woman when she is down. You nasty witch.

OP, please ignore this awful person. You have done the right thing by leaving, and it is incredibly hard to do that when in a abusive relationship. You are stronger than you give yourself credit for. Your body is also under massive hormonal imbalance right not so it's no wonder you're so emotional.

One thing that piece of work said is right, when you feel ready do look at the Freedom Program, it is really beneficial and will help you in the long run. Have you reached out to friends? Asked someone to come over? I know I wouldn't hesitate to be a shoulder to cry on for a friend in this situation regardless how busy I was.

Make a list of all the horrible things he did to you. Read it when you feel low and a repeat to yourself none of this was your fault, you are a human being deserving of respect and love and he did not show you that. Keep yourself busy and focus on your kids, pour that love into them. Grab a duvet and have a movie night, popcorn and treats.

Thank you. I am trying my best. Were in bed, picking a film to watch. I came back on here because all of my friends are busy at the minute so I thought, better to come on here instead of holding my feelings in, until they can become available