To think step dads get a bad rep

[JellyJello]

Does anyone else think stepdads get a really bad rep on here? They’re not always the negative thing people make them out to be.

I had a stepdad growing up and he was great. He was a really positive influence in my life. I also know several people my age who grew up with stepdads and consider them their real dads, and they have nothing but wonderful things to say about them.

I feel like stepdads are sometimes portrayed on here as if having one around your children is automatically a bad thing, but I really don’t agree with that. Of course there are bad stepdads, just like there are bad biological parents, but there are also plenty of men who come into a child’s life and become a genuinely positive and important part of it.

I know someone whose partner died when her children were very young. She met someone new and they’ve now been together for years. He helped raise the children as his own, they’ve since had more children together, and he has clearly become a really important influence in their lives. I often think about how traumatic it must have been for those children to lose their dad so young, and how different things might have been for them if they hadn’t had such a good stepdad come into their lives.

Even with my own son, his dad hasn’t really been involved since he was a toddler, apart from dipping in and out for a few years. He’s now a teenager and has been absent for the last few years. I can see that it has affected him. Yesterday we were at an event and bumped into one of his friends and their dad. They asked him to hang out with them and his face literally lit up. He looked so happy, and it honestly made me wonder whether having a stepdad around while he was growing up could have been a positive influence for him too.

I know people will probably say that you don’t need a stepdad to have a positive male role model, and I completely understand that. But it isn’t always that simple. If there aren’t any men in your family, and your child isn’t interested in sports or the usual activities where they might meet male role models, it can actually be quite difficult to find those relationships.

Anyway, I’m sure I’ll get absolutely roasted for this because stepdads seem to get such a bad reputation on here 😂 but I just wondered if anyone else actually agrees with me?

People with excellent step dads or whose children have excellent step dads don’t post here saying so - why would they?

It’s the same with MILs, FILs, BILs, SILs, step Mums, teenagers, teachers, doctors, cleaners, receptionists etc etc people post to vent or to ask for advice.

What would be the point of me posting about my excellent and drama free relationships with family, friends and colleagues?

I don’t think that’s really what I’m talking about. I completely understand that people are more likely to post when they’re having problems, but I’m talking more about the general attitude towards stepdads on here. I don’t see anywhere near as much negativity towards those other groups, whereas when a mum starts dating again, there often seems to be an assumption that if a new man comes into the picture, it’s automatically going to be bad for the children or that they’re somehow going to be “doomed” ive seen people on here saying a step dad is the worst thing that can happen to a child. Not seen anywhere near as much negativity about the people you’ve mentioned.

It can be difficult but I know of one who is pretty amazing. Does all childcare so mother can do her job, comes to all school events (shes not there). Dotes on the child. She herself freely admits she couldn't manage without him.

I find these work when the dad isnt on the scene at all, and the step dad has no kids of their own. I dont think many men want to step in when there is already a dad there.

In my 20 years in MN I’ve read more threads about difficult MILs than anything else. 🙂

However in relation to dating as far as I can see people are thinking about what is in the best interests of the child.

It’s not a great idea to introduce children to a new partner until it’s a well established and healthy relationship.

And very sadly, there are men that target single mothers to get access to their children, so caution is advised.

I have never seen anyone suggesting that kids with stepfathers are “doomed”.

Fair enough but I’ve seen people saying having a step dad is the worst thing that can happen to a child not really seen the same hate towards MIL but maybe I just haven’t come across those threads as much.

If you have a great step Dad or your children have a great step Dad then the posts don’t apply to you.

There’s thousands of posts about terrible husbands on MN, I don’t get offended on behalf of my lovely DH.

Yes, great step dad is great (I have one), bad step dad is bad...

Howeve, there will be no good step dads, if everyone follows the MN golden advice of never ever letting a non-blood-related men live with one's children, so YANBU to get this feeling.

Yabu

Step-dads don’t get a bad rep but step-mums do.

Steo-mums and step-grandmas are roasted for not taking their step-children and step-grandchildren for childcare and nights away but step-dads and and step-grand dads are never expected to do this.

I think men generally get a bad rep on here, and rightly so IMHO.
This is a woman-centred site and I'm not keen on men butting in.

However - my own second husband was a superb stepfather to my children.

I don’t know any step mums so cant give an experience on that and also I don’t comment on those threads as I have no experience of it so nothing useful to add. This post is about step fathers though you can start one of step mums.

This post is about step fathers though you can start one of step mums.

No, I won’t. No one owns a thread, people can give their perspective if they want to. Don’t start a thread if you don’t want opinions.

why go on a thread to post about a different matter? Dont then, but I won’t be responding to you

Also I never made a single comparison to step mums as this thread isnt about them.

I think the circumstances of someone being widowed and then meeting a man who becomes their second husband are different from where there has been divorce or separation. No questions of co-parenting and which weekends a child is at which house especially.

There are
lone parents where the father isnt involved at all

I think that stepdads can be fantastic but equally stepdads can be predatory. I understand how men can be offended if they are the good guys but anyone working in social work and mental health fields will have read files they never wanted to see about stepdads. The predatory types are very good at targeting women with vulnerabilities, love bombing them, promising the world and this is all done to make women dependent and gain access to children. I can't remember the stats off the top of my head but a child is significantly more likely to be harmed when living with a stepdad Vs a biological dad.

Well step dads are going to be as varied as human beings are.

Personally I wouldn’t bring an unrelated man into my children’s home, as I don’t think you can ever be totally sure of who anyone really is, but I’m sure sometimes it works out well. And I’m sure sometimes there are circumstances where it’s not strictly a choice to have a step parent.

I always think step mums get a harder time on here than step dads personally. The bar is always lower for men.

I guess I can only based it on my own experiences. Everyone I know irl that has had a step dad has seen it as a positive experience and speaks highly of them. My own step dad isnt with my mum anymore and hasn’t been for years but I still regard him as an important part of my childhood. I also think it can be good for children to see what healthy relationships look like.

My dad was a step dad with my half brother and was just his dad really. My brother loved him.

Thats the case for a woman I know. She regarded him as her own father, never any mention of step, he treated her exactly the same as his own blood, he even included her in his will.

I think MN can be very anti-men in general, so of course this includes stepdads. The rhetoric that any man apart from the child's bio father ever having anything to do with a non-bio child is "hghly risky" etc...

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing Are you a single parent? Can you say with absolute certainty that you would never consider a step-parent as an option?

I've been a single parent for 11 years and I have never considered a step-parent as an option. I also had/have no interest in being a step-parent to anyone's children.
I've also had the most amazing stepfather for 3 decades and counting.

My husband has been a phenomenal stepdad - genuinely, our lives would have taken an entirely different trajectory without his support and help. He was also raised by his stepdad (biological dad not on the scene) and thinks of him as his dad, so I think that has perhaps influenced him as a stepdad too. He has stepped up as a dad without question because that was essentially his normal in his own childhood. He would say the same about his experience of being raised by his stepdad as my son would say about being raised by my husband.