To think step dads get a bad rep

[JellyJello]

Does anyone else think stepdads get a really bad rep on here? They’re not always the negative thing people make them out to be.

I had a stepdad growing up and he was great. He was a really positive influence in my life. I also know several people my age who grew up with stepdads and consider them their real dads, and they have nothing but wonderful things to say about them.

I feel like stepdads are sometimes portrayed on here as if having one around your children is automatically a bad thing, but I really don’t agree with that. Of course there are bad stepdads, just like there are bad biological parents, but there are also plenty of men who come into a child’s life and become a genuinely positive and important part of it.

I know someone whose partner died when her children were very young. She met someone new and they’ve now been together for years. He helped raise the children as his own, they’ve since had more children together, and he has clearly become a really important influence in their lives. I often think about how traumatic it must have been for those children to lose their dad so young, and how different things might have been for them if they hadn’t had such a good stepdad come into their lives.

Even with my own son, his dad hasn’t really been involved since he was a toddler, apart from dipping in and out for a few years. He’s now a teenager and has been absent for the last few years. I can see that it has affected him. Yesterday we were at an event and bumped into one of his friends and their dad. They asked him to hang out with them and his face literally lit up. He looked so happy, and it honestly made me wonder whether having a stepdad around while he was growing up could have been a positive influence for him too.

I know people will probably say that you don’t need a stepdad to have a positive male role model, and I completely understand that. But it isn’t always that simple. If there aren’t any men in your family, and your child isn’t interested in sports or the usual activities where they might meet male role models, it can actually be quite difficult to find those relationships.

Anyway, I’m sure I’ll get absolutely roasted for this because stepdads seem to get such a bad reputation on here 😂 but I just wondered if anyone else actually agrees with me?

I have an incredible step Dad; he's been in my life for more than 40 years, since I was just 4. He and my DM divorced when I was a teenager after she had an affair, but he still moved back in to care for DSis and I when my DM was hospitalised for a year. He's never had biological children, but he has raised 2 sets of siblings, and all of us call him Dad. He is the one who consoled me when I cried that my biological father had let me down again, who walked me down the aisle, who I go to with problems, the Grandparent my DC love the best, and an all round wonderful Dad.

He has Alzheimer's now, so our relationship has changed. I do all his care, and I'm the one he comes to when he's feeling anxious or confused. He thanks me for what I do for him, but I always tell him I'd do anything for him, cos he's my Dad!

It’s really nice to hear from others who had good step fathers or whose partners are good step fathers. They can definitely be a positive thing.

@Dweetfidilove One is possible without the other of course. I didn't want to meet someone who already had children as it wasn't going to be the right thing for my children, but to find a good man to be their stepdad has been nothing but a positive in their lives.

Some are amazing, some are dreadful. My stepdad was an abusive drug addict who beat me from six. Not the best example but obviously doesn’t cloud my judgement of ALL stepdads. I do think women need to be careful though when introducing new men to their children.

Step dads can be amazing. They’re also statistically over represented in the worst cases (fatal or extreme) of abuse towards children.

Personally, I think any step parent is a greater risk than biological parents. It’s just an unnecessary risk in a child’s life. Men do commit more crimes than women, therefore a step father is a greater than a step mother…
I have a friend who is expecting her 6th child, this is the first child with this man, who is 10 years younger, 20, they met online and he moved in/ she fell pregnant within months, he was about 4 hours away …. I worry so much about his motives. I don’t feel the concern is unreasonable.

I guess it’s like with everything, you have to be careful, you could end up with a man who is the kids dad and he is abusive. I think as someone else said it probably works best if the man has no kids of his own. The situations I can think of the men don’t have any other kids so at least it takes away having to blend children.

It’s not unreasonable to have concerns especially rushed relationships like that. Maybe I’ve just been lucky to only know people who have had good experiences and value their step fathers.

I think having a blended family full stop
if bad for most children.

I think if you’re going to have one a step dad with no biological children of his own is the best.

Then step mum no bio children.
Then step dad with bio non shared.
Then step mum with bio non shared.
Then step dad with bio shared
Then step mum with bio shared as the worst option.

We all tend to see how steps get pushed out once bio shared arrived.

We see here time and time again step mums fed up of their partners kids and her space feeling invaded and can’t wait till they go home and if they ever moved in I think my marriage would end.

Ive never overheard a step dad talk about children like that though even on other forums or rl.

Obviously if you are talking about actual child
abuse then step parents full stop again are a bigger risk and men overall in any type of crime are the biggest offenders.

I've not noticed tbh. All the focus tends to be on step mums. It's a bit like affairs, lots of focus on other women, very little on other men.
Men seem to fly largely under the radar escaping the expectations placed on women.

You must avoid the threads about single mums dating again then 😂

No I agree I haven’t heard step fathers talk like that either.

The ones I've seen tend to focus on blaming women for having new relationships and letting men into their children's lives rather than the behaviour of the men.

Of course there are some great step dads as there are great people undertaking any role in life.
But,
The fact is that for children, particularly daughters, the statiscally highest risk to their wellbeing and safety growing up is a non blood relative male being moved into their living space. That's a fact.
And there's always a confirmation bias on public discussion forums. The vast majority are going to post where they have experiences that warrant discussion Usually negative, but not always.
And tbh, plenty of step fathers do deserve a bad rep. Again, not all, but it's not insignificant number whatsoever.

Yeah but that’s because how awful men are and how awful having a step dad is (apparently) many on mumsnet seem to hate men in general though Tbf.

One is possible without the other of course. Absolutely! I just had no interest in either.

I know they can be a positive influence if good, as my stepdad (we call him dad) is universally loved by his children, stepchildren and the grandchildren. I accept that I won the stepdad lottery though, because some things I hear, see amd read make me shudder.

Do they? I think some might due to negative personal experiences. But they're a minority. There seems to be frequent conflation of dislike of certain behaviours that are exclusively or highly disproportionately shown by men, with 'hating men' in general, when they're entirely different things. Obviously.

I seldom see much talk about step dads on here, and definitely not negatively.

what I do see often is people talking about men who come into a child's life very quickly and, sadly, leave just as quickly. But I don't consider those step dads. That's the point. A real step father is exactly that - a father type figure - and the ones I know in real life all seem to be great. But a man you've been dating for 6 months and now introducing to your children is not a step father and frankly, shouldn't be treated as such.

I think the opposite is true . I feel like society likes to portray step families as one big happy family. When usually it involves kids having to deal with situations that their own parents have put them in .
I would also ask if these step dads are so wonderful ,then why did their first wives and mother of their children want to divorce?

I think it's different if they don't have their own kids or even blended families with half siblings .

I am of course basing this on my own experience and my friends who have grown up with divorce.

Nice stepdads are rare from experience.

Really, cant say I’ve experienced that at all. Well not on mumsnet anyway i think single mums dating again is extremely frowned upon and judged harshly, ive regularly seen people on here claiming
you should be single until your child reaches 18 and you should certainly never live with another man again whilst you have children. The step dads I know haven’t had any other children.

The couples im referring to have been together for years.

My step dad is incredible and far more of a dad and a grandad than my bio dad

Wonderful stepdad, we are off to see Oasis next year, 1st time I seen them over 20 years ago was with him also 😊

I agree with you op. I was widowed when my child was very young and, I'll be honest, I don't want to be on my own for what will be 15+ years by the time she's an adult. That doesn't mean I'm going to move in with the first charmer who shows up, but I see so much moral superiority on here from women who say they would never dream of dating until their kids are adults, implying that those of us who do are somehow more irresponsible and unable to put our kids first, and I don't think that's fair.