To think step dads get a bad rep

[JellyJello]

Does anyone else think stepdads get a really bad rep on here? They’re not always the negative thing people make them out to be.

I had a stepdad growing up and he was great. He was a really positive influence in my life. I also know several people my age who grew up with stepdads and consider them their real dads, and they have nothing but wonderful things to say about them.

I feel like stepdads are sometimes portrayed on here as if having one around your children is automatically a bad thing, but I really don’t agree with that. Of course there are bad stepdads, just like there are bad biological parents, but there are also plenty of men who come into a child’s life and become a genuinely positive and important part of it.

I know someone whose partner died when her children were very young. She met someone new and they’ve now been together for years. He helped raise the children as his own, they’ve since had more children together, and he has clearly become a really important influence in their lives. I often think about how traumatic it must have been for those children to lose their dad so young, and how different things might have been for them if they hadn’t had such a good stepdad come into their lives.

Even with my own son, his dad hasn’t really been involved since he was a toddler, apart from dipping in and out for a few years. He’s now a teenager and has been absent for the last few years. I can see that it has affected him. Yesterday we were at an event and bumped into one of his friends and their dad. They asked him to hang out with them and his face literally lit up. He looked so happy, and it honestly made me wonder whether having a stepdad around while he was growing up could have been a positive influence for him too.

I know people will probably say that you don’t need a stepdad to have a positive male role model, and I completely understand that. But it isn’t always that simple. If there aren’t any men in your family, and your child isn’t interested in sports or the usual activities where they might meet male role models, it can actually be quite difficult to find those relationships.

Anyway, I’m sure I’ll get absolutely roasted for this because stepdads seem to get such a bad reputation on here 😂 but I just wondered if anyone else actually agrees with me?

You must be joking?! Go look at the steppparenting board and see the standards stepmother are held to. I had a very uninvolved, uninterested stepfather, he was still applauded for "taking me on" (i.e. existing in the same household). I'd much rather be a stepdad than a stepmother, much easier gig with far more praise.

Im not comparing it to step mothers so no I won’t be doing that.

I’m not sure if this answers the question exactly but I would have liked my children to have a step dad. Their dad left when they were little and is still in contact with them but is mainly useless. I’ve been to graduations, done driving lessons, helped to buy first cars, helped to decorate first houses etc. All of which I am proud and happy to do but I feel sad they don’t have a dad/ step dad also to ring. They can technically ring their actual dad but he won’t help them with anything and he doesn’t come to their events. I think they would have benefited from having a step dad. I have a boyfriend now but we don’t live together and my children are adults so he will never be “step dad”
It is a big risk but it does also work out well for some people.

I think the problem is a woman moving a partner in with her and her children before she knows the man well.

Yes I’ve seen single mums judged time and time again for daring to date again on here. I was and was told to wait until my child was 18 when I became a single parent when pregnant, so should spend 18 years alone? I have also seen married women saying if they became single thats what they would do when actually you have no idea what you would do. I have no idea why people are making out like single mums aren’t judged for dating again. You should certainly never live With another man again.

No it’s any man. According to mumsnet you should never live with another man ever again.

This is how I feel. I actually regret not dating and finding a new man as it’s clear my son wants a father figure and I can’t give him one. I should have tried when he was little. You hear so much about kids not being bothered but that’s not always true my son definitely seems happier around me and seems to want that father figure.

There's a very good reason they have a bad reputation, and while they're not all like that, do you really want to risk it considering the damage if you choose wrong and think he's lovely, when really he isn't?

Out of my childhood friends growing up only one liked her stepfather, and the rest of us had varying and valid reasons for our dislike or hatred of them. Personally, I would never bring an unrelated man into my home, around my children.

But I think it might be a case of the grass is greener . It sounds like you're imagining a lovely stepdad who truly cares for your children .
What if the opposite is true and they secretly resent and dislike your children ?

same Could be said for their father

Lots of negativity about inlaws and step parents and blended families in general. All of the above can be brilliant but that's not what people post about.

I think that's just because of the different experiences people have had, which influence their decisions. I wouldn't date until my children were adults if I'd been divorced or widowed when they were young - that's not a statement of moral superiority, it's just me making a risk assessment based on my own experiences.

It's natural for DS to want a father figure, but that doesn't mean that a man you would want to be in a sexual relationship with is able or willing to act like a good dad to him. It can work out but it's risky.

My boys have an amazing step dad

Mine was useless, zero interest me then or now, I refuse call him ‘step dad’, he’s just some bloke that married my mother.

I’m sure others had better experiences.

Yes, but if you don’t try, you’ll never know. If I’d realised how much it would affect him, I would have tried. I listened to too many people saying children aren’t bothered about having a father, which I’ve found isn’t necessarily true.

I think the issue is it’s easy for stepdad’s to fit into a replacement father role.

my brothers ex had an affair and moved her OM in when the kids were under 5. My brother went from an involved, active father doing school runs and reading bedtime stories to living with our parents, seeing them every weekend, not being allowed back into their house (because OM was there).

his ex painted him as the absent father, got him removed from school mailing lists so he missed parents evenings etc so she could take her OM and he could play the involved step dad.

kids grew up with this. I do actually think he’s a decent bloke and a good stepdad, but he all too readily took over the parenting and helped exclude the kids actual dad from their lives.

it was just easier for them not to have to involve db in parenting decisions, schools etc. handy for childcare and paying for stuff, but the actual dad stuff they didn’t want. They actually applied for PR without telling DB, until they realised they needed his permission.

kids loyalties were torn, and stepdad was there full time so they chose him eventually. Mum wouldn’t go to things if dad was invited, so they stopped inviting him.

i also have an ex friend who moved to her home country with her dd, telling her then partner once they found a house and work he would join them. Of course she didn’t, married someone else and the child never had contact with her dad again (pre internet) He also is a great stepdad, but I think it’s incredibly sad that the child has now taken stepdads name and fully accepts him as dad. The dad is a lovely bloke who was absolutely broken losing his child, but is in a country where he is powerless to do anything legally.

so while I do think stepdads can be great people, I think it’s often at the expense of a relationship with dad.

Not my experience all the dads I know were dead beats who happily disappeared from their kids lives once the relationship ended with the mum

What do you mean, "according to mumsnet"? Mumsnet isnt a person. Are you suggesting every woman on here thinks exactly the same way, and post this judgement on every thread; except for you of course, you're special.

I’m not the only one who has noticed this 😂

Are you saying this isn’t regularly said on here? Certain attitudes I only see on here tbh

Don't be obtuse. No-one suggests that everyone thinks the same.

It is just an observation, that in some type of threads this position is voiced loudly and by many. Which it is.

You would hate a man to say the same thing. What problem does it actually cause you if a man is on Mumsnet? I'm not a man and regularly get accused of being one on here. Why should men get a 'bad rep'?? Why? There are some nice men. Women on here seem to be of the impression that all men are bad. Itf you broaden your horizens, not all men are bad.

I see you've regressed to lying bullshit

Bullshit? How about you stfu, if you have kids absolutely you are told to never move a man in with them.