To think step dads get a bad rep

[JellyJello]

Does anyone else think stepdads get a really bad rep on here? They’re not always the negative thing people make them out to be.

I had a stepdad growing up and he was great. He was a really positive influence in my life. I also know several people my age who grew up with stepdads and consider them their real dads, and they have nothing but wonderful things to say about them.

I feel like stepdads are sometimes portrayed on here as if having one around your children is automatically a bad thing, but I really don’t agree with that. Of course there are bad stepdads, just like there are bad biological parents, but there are also plenty of men who come into a child’s life and become a genuinely positive and important part of it.

I know someone whose partner died when her children were very young. She met someone new and they’ve now been together for years. He helped raise the children as his own, they’ve since had more children together, and he has clearly become a really important influence in their lives. I often think about how traumatic it must have been for those children to lose their dad so young, and how different things might have been for them if they hadn’t had such a good stepdad come into their lives.

Even with my own son, his dad hasn’t really been involved since he was a toddler, apart from dipping in and out for a few years. He’s now a teenager and has been absent for the last few years. I can see that it has affected him. Yesterday we were at an event and bumped into one of his friends and their dad. They asked him to hang out with them and his face literally lit up. He looked so happy, and it honestly made me wonder whether having a stepdad around while he was growing up could have been a positive influence for him too.

I know people will probably say that you don’t need a stepdad to have a positive male role model, and I completely understand that. But it isn’t always that simple. If there aren’t any men in your family, and your child isn’t interested in sports or the usual activities where they might meet male role models, it can actually be quite difficult to find those relationships.

Anyway, I’m sure I’ll get absolutely roasted for this because stepdads seem to get such a bad reputation on here 😂 but I just wondered if anyone else actually agrees with me?

See this thread has attracted some extremely rude posters 😂

My DP has been stepdad to my 16 year old since he was 17 months old.
The DSs biological dad is a dangerous, paranoid and violent man whom I had no choice but to leave, while DS was a baby.
Court cases ensued and I met DP, having know him since Youth Club 1992, in time he became an excellent father to DS, treated him the same as our other joint children. He has provided for him and never questioned being his father.
He is loving, mature, hard working and I consider myself very lucky

I don't think that many posters say 'never move a man in if you have young children', but a lot (me included) do say they'd never do it themselves - and many also do say to take it slow, wait a good long while, and be very sure of him.

I know a guy whose wife left him for the other man - the same way she'd ended her first marriage, which produced the child, as well as her second and third marriages. The child was in her mid teens by then and point blank refused to move on with her mother, and stayed with her stepdad. Her mother basically walked away; as far as I know they've not spoken since.

She's pushing forty now and the two of them still have a really amazing father-daughter relationship. She changed her name to his on her 18th birthday.

They do.

That's not something I've noticed to be the majority opinion, myself - not unless we're talking about a thread where the OP's partner is throwing up major red flags, and she seems like the sort who has poor judgement and will literally be with any man rather than be alone. Then she might get told not to move men in.

I am with you there. Children often feel the lack of a dad very strongly. The problem is that stepdad is a role that many men can't or won't rise to.

I think because it’s an online forum people can and do say things they wouldn’t just say to a random school mum in the playground, or to their mates face when they move a man in too fast.

There’s a woman in my social circle. She has had 4 husbands, 4 children by different men only two of them the husbands. Her oldest is 23 her youngest a primary aged child. Am I going to go tell her I think she’s a fucking idiot for moving all these random men in time and time again and popping out more children? No we are not bestie level close me saying anything won’t change her actions I’ll just watch and silently judge and she will have zero idea I think she’s a fucking moron in this part of her life.

If you want a drinking buddy, a holiday mate, someone to go for a run with she’s great but men choices terrible, her children always have what they need apart from a non revolving door of men.

Im not talking about moving fast, that’s understandably unacceptable but there are people that openly admit they don’t think single mums should date at all

Someone on here was was saying that you should wait 5 years before letting your male partner stay over at your house.
I don't have kids, unless you count my two cats. But I thought that was a bit extreme!

Lots of wonderful step dads out there . Unfortunately statistically they are a big risk as far as abuse goes- compared to bio parents and step mums. This probably affects people’s views.

Yeah I find these really extreme views common on mumsnet, just doesn’t reflect anyone I know in real life.

Yes I am and have made that active decision not to bring an unrelated adult into my children’s home.

I fully back any woman to date and get her some sausage.

Just you’ve got to be slow and dating doesn’t always mean the man’s got to move in.

You can date and keep your children separate till your as sure as you can be that they can meet and then slowly build up to maybe moving in together.

Also if you’ve introduced step daddy (mummy) number 1 and it’s failed maybe have a bloody longer thought before sex buddy two gets introduced as the next step.

I know Pierce Brosnan's character on Mrs Doubtfire was meant to be more of an asshole but PB refused to play him like that. He hates the stereotype because he had a good stepfather as a kid

My DH is a fantastic stepdad and dad. He has been in DD6’s life since she was 1. Ex and I split just after birth due to his abuse and DH has supported me through many of his tirades and angry campaigns against me while sharing equal custody. He also does so much childcare where he can - lets me sleep as long as I need to while he cares for DD and our own son, buys everything they both need, comes to school events etc. His family also treat DD as their own. However, I knew him long before DD ever came to be (high school) so already knew he was an amazing man. I do have concerns with those that bring men they’ve just met and started dating into their children’s lives because you just cannot know someone at that stage and you are putting your children at risk doing so.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing Have you been single a long time and how old are your kids?
I'm guessing you'll start looking to date again when they are adults?

I don't know if anyone's pointed it out but it's "bad rAp" not rEp. It's like taking the rap and rap sheet.

👏