AIBU to resent being the breadwinner?

[Throwaway7797]

Not entirely sure what I want from this thread, which I've changed user name for as it's probably too revealing. I think I want to be told I'm quite selfish and need to just get on with life. In fact I'm sure what will be the reaction.

I have worked full time since 2001, apart from about 9 months mat leave for each of our 3 children. They are now 13,11 and 8.
In 2020, I decided I wanted to be at home for a while with the kids. COVID was hard, looking after a toddler and "WFH" wasn't really acceptable in my opinion and my DH was showing no sign of giving up anything. In fact despite my earning almost twice as much as him, his calls were too important. So I worked much later in the evening to catch up the time I was spending with the kids.

Even before COVID I hated the fact we never saw them, had a full time nanny who called them Mummy etc. It's quite normal for many people I know, but I hated it. Why had we even bothered having them.

So I gave up work. Then in 2021 I got tonnes of recruiters calling, offering great money. I said I didn't want it, but my DH said it was too good an opportunity - blue chip US company, 6 figures, great pension. I was massively pressured by everyone else as well to take it. So I did. We were both still WFH, but got childcare back in.

Then in 2023 my DH had an accident and became depressed. The nanny quit. I had to go back to the office. So I said maybe he should take a break for a few months while we figured it out. He's not worked since.

Now he is about to start a new contract job. We don't need the money (my income is now over 200k) but he's still depressed and has health issues which have been hard. So I've booked after school club, the older kids don't need childcare, his job is local enough to do the pick-ups and activities.

I'm angry and sad about all of it and I'm so jealous of him. I have worked my arse off, my job is brutal (city job), I'm fucking knackered and now I have him being a fucking prince about how much he has to do. He's right, it will be really hard. He could always go to counselling, get help with the depression, stop just complaining and being a dick to the kids. But no, let's try the male ego route. The kids don't seem to matter to him.

I feel like quitting my job and seeing how he likes it when he actually has to work, and do all the stuff I've always done for 13 years (all food and clothes shopping, uniform, holidays, any workman that needs to be booked, pay all bills, all school admin, hobbies booked, he just takes them where they needed to be). I do it all because he has a meltdown every time he has to fill in a form. It just needs doing and I find admin quite easy (my job is glorified admin, organising programmes of work for fund managers). Until recently, he hadn't even bothered setting up his online access to the joint account. Some days, I start work at 7 and I carry on working when I get home until midnight. Those are exceptions though, I'm mostly more efficient and get through it, but sometimes I lose focus and fuck up, which means I have to work through. I've tried getting him to do the food shopping but he forgets.

I'm so angry about everything, and it's so unreasonable. I've not said no to any of it, after all. So it's my fault. I could just say no. But now of course we've committed to expensive schools.

I still love him, I think, but it feels so faded.

YANBU. DH needs to be a lot more proactive and take some responsibility for improving his circumstances. Presumably you have the financial means to access private therapy. He should be getting treatment for his depression so he can move on from this.

I can't get him to do that though because he won't admit there is a problem. He cries most days. He's decided that going back to work will get him more social contact and make him feel more normal, which I guess is worth trying. I'm certainly not helping by resenting him, guess it's mainly his parenting I'm angry about.

Have you considered initiating a divorce? Frankly, it doesn't look like he is going to change much in the future, do you want the rest of your life to be filled with him?

Has he been depressed since 2023 and not sought ANY help for it?

FFS, I'd LTB for that alone!

It’s internalised misogyny in my opinion. Reminds me of my ex. Knew that in theory his penis didn’t mean he couldn’t take on the mental load and housekeeping etc but just didn’t see it as worthy of his effort. He saw it as essentially below him. He’d never admit it. So instead he did everything to get out of it and just didn’t put effort in. He could manage the admin of work. Meet deadlines etc. But not at home.

I look back and I think it was a parasitic relationship - he used my financial, mental, emotional and practical labour. He floated around doing what he fancied.

It was not equal. It was not symbiotic. I’m separated now and life is less busy and I realise just what he offered because in a year and a half there have been two times I wished he was here to do what he’d usually do.

I think an ultimatum for medical help and counselling and a significant contribution to the family financially (doesn't have to be equal) and with the children is needed, or divorce.

Yup. He's fine, you see! "Just a bad day".... And he worships me so I guess I feel even worse that I'm just angry about it all.

It sounds like your very demanding job is a big contributory factor to you feeling miserable. Are there any avenues for moving into something that isn't quite as demanding?

I've been trying but can't find anything. Guess I was just feeling sorry for myself! I'll figure it out. You start marriage with a guy you think is so strong and sorted, and life turns you into the sorted one, and it's weird.

Yanbu. He is being completely unreasonable expecting you to take care of all of this. After several years at home he ought to be capable of doing an online shop and making all relevant bank payments. I get if he’s injured/disabled childcare may be too much, possibly also cooking.

I think all you can do is flag the need for a serious conversation, or maybe even write him a letter laying out how exhausted you are and where you need him to either pick up the slack or come up with a solution for it. I hope you at least have a cleaner?

My sister’s husband is at home and he takes care of almost all of the domestic side.

He doesn't worship you. It sounds like emotional manipulation to keep you from insisting on change.

Your husband's mental health is definitely not your issue. He's absolutely not getting help to annoy you, not because he's got mental health issues.

Leave him, cos in sickness and in health only kicks in if you're sick, not him.

It’s not so much that you are the breadwinner, it’s more that you seem to be doing everything else as well. What exactly does he contribute??

My DH feels the pressure of being the breadwinner, and hates working in a high pressure job but the other side of that is that I do all childcare and admin and house stuff. So I contribute too.

He needs to step up and contribute to the marriage and the family, you need to sit him down and work out how he can do more or else it’s not fair on you.

I ended up in a marriage like you have described and I stuck it until I couldn't take it any more.
Then I told him to either 'shape up or ship out'. His response was to have an affair.
So I divorced him so he could be with her. It was the best decision I ever made and it took a ton weigh off my shoulders.

I am sorry to hear you had that too but so glad you got rid of your parasite too.

I think men need to catch up. They can no longer ‘help’ around the house, help with childcare and be classed as a great husband/father. Women now don’t need men and we are looking for actual life partners.

Marriage no longer benefits us. Unless we want to be a SAHP.

I have not regretted divorcing once.

No you’re not being unreasonable. You sound burnt out of very close to burn out. Cut yourself some slack as you are doing a lot. The money you make is irrelevant as he should be doing his fair share of helping x

Imagine if a man had written this post, the backlash would be unbelievable !!

I agree- this has been going on for years now & wont change- go for divorce & try and be happy yourself with your children

Have you sat down and told him how you feel and all the above?

I would be giving an ultimatum on getting counselling. It will be impacting your children him crying everyday. He needs to stop being selfish. Get counselling and address his depression or time to move on. He’s had years.

I understand your feelings a bit OP although on a much more micro level. I'm 64 and work an NMW job and still have a small mortgage to pay. I'm just trying to make it to State Retirement Pension age (67), mortgage-free and reasonably functional both mentally and physically.

There's lots of shoulda, woulda, coulda and roll of the dice reasons behind my current situation - and I'm actually proud that I've made it this far with myself and those that depend on me reasonably intact and forward facing towards the future.

But I seem to be surrounded by people in my workplace, both customers and colleagues, that have 'reasonable adjustments' in place, benefits coming out of the swanee and general 'favourable' conditions with little or no effort and quite happy to place additional burdens on me, intentionally or not.

Oh yeah sometimes I very much resent this, but I have to remind myself that somehow I can still produce the required goods without any help or assistance, including single parenting an ASD ds for nearly 25 years. What will the faux needy ones do when their support systems are gone and little old retired me is tending her garden.

It's not that he's doing nothing, and I'm aware of the gender role hypocrisy. It's just the way every day is "the kids were a nightmare", and about how much all his ailments (back, foot etc) hurt - but he seeks no help. It would just be nice to hear that enjoyed his day or did something nice or seemed proud of our kids. It's all just they didn't tidy up, they were sulky, bla bla.

Vanishingly rare for a chap to be working full time and also be running 50% of the house and childcare.

I see this happen all the time with modern marriages/families. I have a couple where the mum is the stay at home parent and uses nanny's and private cleaners and the husband still does a lot of the house work and life admin and works a very stressful 6 figure paying job.

Yes the issue isn’t that you’re the breadwinner it’s that you’re the breadwinner, primary carer, responsible for the house etc - you’re doing it all and something will have to give

The women I’ve known in your situation have all outsourced as much as possible to nanny’s, cleaners etc. in most cases the DH has a grand old like doing what he please while notionally being responsible for the kids. Good gig if you can get it!!

I see it much more the other way. Two parents. Both working full time or close to it and the woman doing the vast majority of house keeping, childcare, mental
load etc. but I don’t know anyone with a nanny!