AIBU to resent being the breadwinner?

[Throwaway7797]

Not entirely sure what I want from this thread, which I've changed user name for as it's probably too revealing. I think I want to be told I'm quite selfish and need to just get on with life. In fact I'm sure what will be the reaction.

I have worked full time since 2001, apart from about 9 months mat leave for each of our 3 children. They are now 13,11 and 8.
In 2020, I decided I wanted to be at home for a while with the kids. COVID was hard, looking after a toddler and "WFH" wasn't really acceptable in my opinion and my DH was showing no sign of giving up anything. In fact despite my earning almost twice as much as him, his calls were too important. So I worked much later in the evening to catch up the time I was spending with the kids.

Even before COVID I hated the fact we never saw them, had a full time nanny who called them Mummy etc. It's quite normal for many people I know, but I hated it. Why had we even bothered having them.

So I gave up work. Then in 2021 I got tonnes of recruiters calling, offering great money. I said I didn't want it, but my DH said it was too good an opportunity - blue chip US company, 6 figures, great pension. I was massively pressured by everyone else as well to take it. So I did. We were both still WFH, but got childcare back in.

Then in 2023 my DH had an accident and became depressed. The nanny quit. I had to go back to the office. So I said maybe he should take a break for a few months while we figured it out. He's not worked since.

Now he is about to start a new contract job. We don't need the money (my income is now over 200k) but he's still depressed and has health issues which have been hard. So I've booked after school club, the older kids don't need childcare, his job is local enough to do the pick-ups and activities.

I'm angry and sad about all of it and I'm so jealous of him. I have worked my arse off, my job is brutal (city job), I'm fucking knackered and now I have him being a fucking prince about how much he has to do. He's right, it will be really hard. He could always go to counselling, get help with the depression, stop just complaining and being a dick to the kids. But no, let's try the male ego route. The kids don't seem to matter to him.

I feel like quitting my job and seeing how he likes it when he actually has to work, and do all the stuff I've always done for 13 years (all food and clothes shopping, uniform, holidays, any workman that needs to be booked, pay all bills, all school admin, hobbies booked, he just takes them where they needed to be). I do it all because he has a meltdown every time he has to fill in a form. It just needs doing and I find admin quite easy (my job is glorified admin, organising programmes of work for fund managers). Until recently, he hadn't even bothered setting up his online access to the joint account. Some days, I start work at 7 and I carry on working when I get home until midnight. Those are exceptions though, I'm mostly more efficient and get through it, but sometimes I lose focus and fuck up, which means I have to work through. I've tried getting him to do the food shopping but he forgets.

I'm so angry about everything, and it's so unreasonable. I've not said no to any of it, after all. So it's my fault. I could just say no. But now of course we've committed to expensive schools.

I still love him, I think, but it feels so faded.

Xpost - so he is doing stuff with the kids

i think when you are the one at home you can sometimes feel the ‘well what have you done all day’ vibes so maybe he’s reacting to those

its why I went back to work after mat leave even though DH wanted me to be a sahm tbh

If op starts a divorce she will likely find he gets the majority of the time with the children and she has to pay him maintenance while still doing all the organising

Yanbu op and I don't know what the solution is when someone is prepared to coast their way through life

Presumably on your salary and with no childcare costs though you are saving a considerable amount so should soon have a decent cushion and the choice to take a step back in your career?

Can you quit your job for one that is remote and, most importantly, part time?

What will happen? Will you be able to pay the mortgage?

I would start by applying for PIP for your husband when you're at work. Answer as honestly as you can, just get it drafted

And tell him that he needs to apply and do a good job, or you will want to separate, as much as you love him

I know it's sexist so I won't say what I am thinking, but you need to put your health front and forward now xx

Why should she? Why can’t he pull himself together and do his part of the deal. I swear it’s internalised misogyny. They feel that it’s below them. Emasculating. So they put zero effort in. Take no pride in it. There is depression - you don’t value the work because you’ve been socialised into seeing women as lesser and home making and child care as women’s work and therefore also lesser. So if as a man, I do that work - it makes me lesser. So I don’t put effort in (because I also assume it’s easy and doesn’t require effort) and then wonder why I feel shit about myself. He wants her to fail and take over the home based stuff because he doesn’t want to do it is the king and short of it I reckon.

Or he can get his act together and support her. If he valued the SAHP role he’d have more pride in the role and himself.

OP, you are the family work horse and have been played.

Put your love aside and get real.
You need to divorce him.

I get what you're saying

But as someone who knows dépression, it is Real and debilitating

That said, I don't judge a woman for being disgusted by him. I would've left in 2021 and cut off my family for telling me to work 🤢

It is what it is - they're here now and this man doesn't sound like he can work or hold down a job - so either he works or goes on PIP to try and contribute

Op, does he not have family money? I would be telling them to help out as well. X

This sounds manipulative to me OP. It sounds like weaponised misery: he doesn't want to have to step up because he's become rather comfortable.

I'm the breadwinner in my household which suits me because I'm terrified of being financially dependent on someone else. I do find it knackering but on balance I prefer this to being the financial underdog so I deal with it.

But in your case you've made it very clear that you are struggling with a big burden and want something to change and he's avoiding trying to meet you half way.

I think its read the riot act time: if this doesn't change you're out.

OP says he is just about to start a new role. Hopefully it will help

That's just taking the piss. Why bother having children?

@Throwaway7797 My dh is the only earner in our family- he works less than you and earns way less as well (70 k) but I do EVERYTHING at home. That's how we divided the labour. Your dh is taking the piss. Why not leave him as childcare is more nurturing for your children than their dad...

@Throwaway7797 But you yourelf decided to give up work in 2020? Was this a joint decision?

I would support any man that was the breadwinner, primary caregiver, taking care of the home etc.
As that is the OP, I can see why she's being supported in this thread.

If he worshipped you he’d be pulling his weight and you wouldn’t feel like this. You are definitely NOT BU.

Tell him his only option is to get help and start helping around the household load or leave.

I sympathise so much OP. Consider what he brings to the party. I left my husband because he was the king of moaning whilst doing fuck all. It's a terrible combination. Completely draining. It was the sighing that did for him in the end. Continued and prolonged sighing. Sighing about the terrible state of the house, or the kids behaviour or my inability to park "properly" on the drive or correctly arrange the fridge. Sighing but not actually doing anything.

I’m glad my dh isn’t like half of you lot. Nobody chooses to be depressed. Can you not even begin to imagine how damn soul destroying it is just to wake up every morning and wish you didn’t have to go through another day? Never mind how scary it is to even consider therapy and the fear of what that will entail. Ffs depression kills, it’s not a fucking life choice.

I am looking back on life from grandma age. A grandma who retired and then had my health plummet and my life is miserable.
Quit. Do it now. You clearly have the skills to find a decent less pressurised job where you can WFH.
Money is great but it is not everything. You do not know what is round the corner and life is for living now.
Pension pot is also great but not great enough to make your life miserable.

Do what you need to do now. You have to have some life and have time to enjoy your children.

Your kids will see the resentment and the frustration. Money is not the be all and end all so if i was you, i would reduce your hours, give yourself some quality time with the children and get a divorce. Life is too short to be miserable and you don't get that time back with your kids.

If his treatment of you in a married and loving relationship is even close to your description, then that is not worship at all. (Not that you don’t merit such worship; but he’s not a great servant!)
Put it this way: the God of the Old Testament would have smote (smitten?) him for such puny sacrifices.
DH is attached in dependency, aware that it’s by your good graces that he is able to coast along having shed his parental responsibilities and his duty as a fair and decent husband.

Had you not said you probably still love him I’d push for LTB, and the engagement of a really superb housekeeper/nanny. Sod it, LTB anyway.

Negotiate some kind of time compression arrangement with work; you are obviously a highly prized employee and this may be almost straightforward.
A shorter week or shorter days would give you a bit of extra time to enjoy your home as an unpressured family member rather than a frenzied blue-arsed fly juggling three or four tasks all the time.

You are very kind, I think it's just that I've always found things very easy to organise and keep on top of, so it seemed more sensible to have him use his skills (DIY, driving to places, anything that's in front of him), and for me to carry on with all the life admin. I did manage to get him cooking, so it felt kind of ok. He tidies incessantly and often a bit angrily (the kids things), particularly when the cleaner comes, and does the washing, so not nothing. It's just that now I know I'll be dealing with all the whining about how work is hard and he's so tired and people are mean. I would have so loved the time with the children, which it feels like he threw away. I think that's what I resent, that he is never grateful for anything we have, never lives for small things, just complains about how old he is. I'm old too, I'm tired too, yes people are mean, but you've got to focus on the positives surely. We're incredibly blessed and I'd just love a bit of joy at all we have.

Well yes. Ideally that too.
But op can't control him, she can only control her own decisions

She won't need a nanny. If she LTB he would probably succeed in persuading a court he should have the children in the week and she should pay him maintenance

I would be rejigging my life and hours to spend more time with the kids then ending the relationship

He will not change as you surely must see.
This is who he is.

Get out while you can.
He has robbed you of enough joy.

I can't leave. He would absolutely get the kids. It's not like "relentlessly negative" is a quality the courts are going to consider disqualifying for custody. The obvious option is to quit my career altogether but thats an awful lot of future security to give up.