AIBU to resent being the breadwinner?

[Throwaway7797]

Not entirely sure what I want from this thread, which I've changed user name for as it's probably too revealing. I think I want to be told I'm quite selfish and need to just get on with life. In fact I'm sure what will be the reaction.

I have worked full time since 2001, apart from about 9 months mat leave for each of our 3 children. They are now 13,11 and 8.
In 2020, I decided I wanted to be at home for a while with the kids. COVID was hard, looking after a toddler and "WFH" wasn't really acceptable in my opinion and my DH was showing no sign of giving up anything. In fact despite my earning almost twice as much as him, his calls were too important. So I worked much later in the evening to catch up the time I was spending with the kids.

Even before COVID I hated the fact we never saw them, had a full time nanny who called them Mummy etc. It's quite normal for many people I know, but I hated it. Why had we even bothered having them.

So I gave up work. Then in 2021 I got tonnes of recruiters calling, offering great money. I said I didn't want it, but my DH said it was too good an opportunity - blue chip US company, 6 figures, great pension. I was massively pressured by everyone else as well to take it. So I did. We were both still WFH, but got childcare back in.

Then in 2023 my DH had an accident and became depressed. The nanny quit. I had to go back to the office. So I said maybe he should take a break for a few months while we figured it out. He's not worked since.

Now he is about to start a new contract job. We don't need the money (my income is now over 200k) but he's still depressed and has health issues which have been hard. So I've booked after school club, the older kids don't need childcare, his job is local enough to do the pick-ups and activities.

I'm angry and sad about all of it and I'm so jealous of him. I have worked my arse off, my job is brutal (city job), I'm fucking knackered and now I have him being a fucking prince about how much he has to do. He's right, it will be really hard. He could always go to counselling, get help with the depression, stop just complaining and being a dick to the kids. But no, let's try the male ego route. The kids don't seem to matter to him.

I feel like quitting my job and seeing how he likes it when he actually has to work, and do all the stuff I've always done for 13 years (all food and clothes shopping, uniform, holidays, any workman that needs to be booked, pay all bills, all school admin, hobbies booked, he just takes them where they needed to be). I do it all because he has a meltdown every time he has to fill in a form. It just needs doing and I find admin quite easy (my job is glorified admin, organising programmes of work for fund managers). Until recently, he hadn't even bothered setting up his online access to the joint account. Some days, I start work at 7 and I carry on working when I get home until midnight. Those are exceptions though, I'm mostly more efficient and get through it, but sometimes I lose focus and fuck up, which means I have to work through. I've tried getting him to do the food shopping but he forgets.

I'm so angry about everything, and it's so unreasonable. I've not said no to any of it, after all. So it's my fault. I could just say no. But now of course we've committed to expensive schools.

I still love him, I think, but it feels so faded.

@Throwaway7797 Starting point is usually 50/50 nowadays so find that unlikely.

Surely there's a middle ground where you find a job with more life balance?

But if op is doing long hours he will have a good case for more.
My ex doesn't have anywhere near 50% because it isn't compatible with his job

Yeah that's the thing. I guess I could get a live in nanny to be able to get 50/50 but that's also very expensive if I'm paying maintenance and would be in a smaller place. Best option is that he gets better and I stay patient.

He doesn't worship you. I'm sorry. If he did, he wouldn't be complaining all the time.

If you're doing all the mental load, but he is doing the actual child care, your concern that in a divorce it would be, at best, 50/50 with him is fair. Although, I hate ot say it, I suspect he would not want 50:50. Oh, he'd say he does. But he would be lying. Becuase you wouldn't be there as the backstop.

I don't believe you are resentful that you're th ebreadwinner. You're resentful because you have a man who is a whiney, pathetic child you have to look after and not a life partner and he's doing fuck all to make his life better, or yours, or the children's.

This new job of his is good. because if you're doing all the thinking and earning and then also have to pick up more of the physical load (or buy it in) because he's working, you're in a better position to get rid of him if necessary.

I have a friend in a similar istuation except that her DH is the breadwinner. But the relentlessmoaning is absolutely exhausting and I don't know how she puts up with it.

Why would he get the kids? You could do 50/50 and find he doesn’t want it. Are you prepared to be miserable until your youngest leaves home? Do you want to spend your retirement years with someone who is a mood hoover? Hard questions but you have another adult child.

have some therapy together and tell him if he doesn’t attend then it’s divorce. Make a plan on how to communicate.

I’ve been depressed and had a full mental breakdown and I’m the sole wage earner. I don’t moan about everything mainly because I have too much other stuff to be getting on with.

@Throwaway7797 No maintenance payable for 50/50 from either party.

If he really worshipped you, surely he would see that you are unhappy and want to do his fair share?

So he's been injured and is now depressed?

It's very very hard living with someone who is struggling with their mental health. Is he getting any support at all? Seen the gp etc?

How's his physical health now? Has he recovered from his injury?

I'm not surprised you're fucked off, the issue here isn't being the breadwinner, it's doing all the house admin stuff too!! If your dh did all school admin, house admin, finance admin, food shopping, kids driving, cooking and cleaning then you'd be able to get on with your job and would likely be way less stressed. You're being expected to "have it all" which is such nonsense, because you can't work hard at a 6 figure city job and manage a home plus 3 kids and a sick husband.
Now he has a job, could you reduce your hours (tricky I know in most firms and can become a piss take, but you could see), or take a lower level role that you could do more easily with less stress? At least he is financially contributing now, so it might free you up a bit to spend time with the kids etc.

Have a serious talk with him, with a budget/house finances spreadsheet and look at what you actually need to earn for your financial goals/requirements and then see what options it leaves you. You might be surprised. Alternatively, look at how long you need to keep working before taking an early retirement potentially. The good thing about big city jobs is there's normally the option to pay bonuses into pensions, save big sums etc and whilst it's a bit rubbish right now, you could be retired at 50 potentially? If you made that a financial goal then it'd give you something you're working towards rather than feeling like you are on a treadmill.
Is there any other job you'd like to do or like to retrain for that would provide enough financially but also give you a better lifestyle and more flexibility?
I always think the key to situations is knowing your options and aims for the future, otherwise it just feels like you're a hamster on a wheel for no reason! Dh should be supportive of your goals. I also wonder if couples therapy would help, because he might not know how much his whining annoys you (my dh often likes to tell me how hard life is, because he thought I'd not want to hear all the positive things because he knew I'd be jealous or feel I'd missed out, and he wanted to make sure I was aware he was doing tough stuff too - a bit of open sharing and he quickly realised that was not how it was perceived!!)

Have you ever sat him down and said ‘look I know you’re struggling but so am I - I spend all my time working or doing our life admin and I’m exhausted so coming home to you complaining about your day when I would love nothing more than to spend the day with the kids is disheartening. It’s great you’ve got a job but we need to make some bigger changes here and that starts with you engaging with support for your mental health’

It's not about you being the breadwinner it is about your marriage and your husband and the impact his negativity is having on you. It sounds exhausting. Have you really talked to him and told him how you feel? Would you both consider counselling?

Not meant in a rude way, but its not remotely normal for children to call a nanny mummy. Id certainly be wanting to change something if that happened.

To the poster who said its 'vanishingly rare' for dads to be 50/50, the majority I know are. Its not unusual at all. My circle is professional but not high income.

Get some legal advice first though to see what position you'd be in.

I meant they got us mixed up sometimes, I viewed that as positive in that she was a nurturing mother figure to them. Her departure was therefore a big deal and drove part of my desire to stay home for a little while, the other part being the whole COVID thing and him not getting off a call or taking turns looking after them.

This. It’s sounds like everything is about him, his needs, his feelings. Sit him down, do not tolerate tears and point out that you are a human with needs and wants. And one of your wants was to spend more time with your children which wasn’t an option because 1) he encouraged you to take a high pressure job in 2021 and 2) he hasn’t working.

And it’s fine to resent being the breadwinner especially when it’s not appreciated. He can sit at home and mope, and angrily tidy because you are paying for everything including a cleaner!!

And he’s allowed to have feelings, but not to be the only one with feelings. As for “people are mean” at his big age he needs to cut it out or go for counselling.

Well I'm probably being a bit unfair since he quit his last job because of a very difficult client, it's just I can see it possibly happening again as let's face it clients are often difficult, Indeed I'm sure people who don't work in such well paid jobs have very difficult clients and no reward for dealing with them. You are right that it's all about how difficult everything is for him. I struggle with my sleep, which is expectable at 49 and sometimes I barely get 4 hours. And yet if I ask him how he slept, he's still asking 5 minutes later and presumably my poor sleep is just a given.

I think a lot of it can be rooted in depression. I was the higher earner in our family—not quite as high as you, but around the £150k mark—and then life had other plans. I lost my job, developed a long-term health problem, and suddenly my whole world felt like it had fallen apart.
I had the younger kids at home with me, but I was constantly complaining about everything and probably wasn’t very pleasant to be around. It took me a good year to really understand what was happening to me, and now I finally feel like I’m coming out the other side. I’ve accepted my health situation, I’m applying for jobs again, and I’m much more present with the kids.
I completely understand why you resent him, especially when you’re the one carrying everything. But mental health issues are very real, and sometimes the person going through it doesn’t even fully understand what’s happening to them for a long time.

Let him get back to work. Get a cleaner. or Nanny, whatever it takes.
Establish he is not the primary parent.
Ditch this whining sponger..

"Worships you" but doesn't give a monkey's how stressed and miserable and exhausted you are? No he doesn't. He makes just enough effort to not be awful to you to stop you throwing him out.

Thank you , yes, that's kind of the thing. He's not the person he was. He's also absolutely convinced that all his problems are connected to his concussion at the start of the year, but his behaviour far predates that to when he first quit his job following the previous injury, which seemed worse at the time. He takes part in many high risk sports, which is fine but I guess everyone always thinks the risks won't apply to them. He currently can't do anything at all because of an unrelated foot problem, and it's dawned on me that the sports were not a hobby, but a lifeline.

You really think so?

I am actually finding it hard to imagine a husband that works the hours that the OP does as well as all the extra life admin and some childcare on top.

It's not that I'm being sexist, it's just something that doesn't exist in my circle of friends, family and acquaintance.

It's a uniquely feminine role in my experience so no backlash for the unicorn.

To summarise as he’s no longer a significant breadwinner and has mental health problems the advice is to ditch him and get a new model that works better

Not my advice.

Husband needs to agree to counselling to deal with hus MH because regularly bursting into tears on a daily basis sounds like depression, overwhelm or at least a severe anxiety.

When he's well, they can discuss him contributing more in practical terms to the running of the household.

In the meantime, it would be great if the OP could negotiate reduced hours or even a change in roles to get a better work/life balance to counter that resentment.

Of course he worships you . You are doing it all and enabling him to pick and choose ! You can manage fine without him . My near neighbour is the same everything is his wife's job always has been he is ' no good ' at things . And they are in their 80 s he will not change