Ds might be suspended after fight please help

[SparrowHaze]

i am honestly panicking a bit and dont really know what im asking here maybe i just need to write it down because i cant make any sense of what has happened today

ds is 17, year 13 and ive just got him home from college after he was involved in a fight with another boy in the common room

college have said they are investigating and he cant go back to lessons until they have made a decision about what happens next, which i know is serious obviously and im not saying he shouldnt face consequences because you cant just hit someone but this is so unlike him and thats what is worrying me

he is not some violent kid, hes a normal 17 year old can be moody and argumentative and all the usual teenager stuff but he has never been someone who gets into fights, certainly not at college

the boy he was fighting is actually one of his friends which is making it even more strange, theyre all in the same group and have been for ages, a very loud group of boys really and if im honest ive wondered before whether ds wouldnt be better off with some different friends

theyre always winding each other up and making comments about girls and things being “banter” and trying to embarrass each other, its just what theyre like and ds normally gives as good as he gets so ive never really known whether i should be worrying about it or just accepting that teenage boys are idiots sometimes

ive heard some of the things they say when ive picked ds up or theyve been around and some of it really isnt very nice but they all laugh and call it banter and ds has never seemed particularly bothered by it and ds is the same so i dont think its bullying or anything like that

apparently there was an argument before the fight and the other boy said something to him but ds wont tell me what

ive asked him in the car, ive asked him since we got home and every time its just “nothing”i said well it cant have been nothing if you got into a fight over it and he just shrugged then literally nothing, just staring out the window

he looks exhausted and ive asked him if hes hurt and he said no but he is definitely not himself

and this has been going on for a little while really, hes been much quieter at home and more irritable but just says he’s fine

i just put it down to year 13 because obviously theyre under pressure and hes got exams and everything coming up

the thing is if this was just their normal stupid banter then why would he react like this he must have been pushed really far for him to actually snap because i honestly cannot imagine him just deciding to punch one of his friends for no reason

and i know that sounds like im making excuses for him and im not, im absolutely furious that hes got himself into this situation and he knows better but i also feel like there is something hes not telling me

college said there were witnesses and they are going to speak to people and work out exactly what happened, theyve said ds cant just come back in tomorrow and carry on as normal and they will contact us when theyve decided what theyre doing

when we got home ds just went upstairs. i asked him one more time what happened and he said “mum ive told you, nothing happened”

and now im sat downstairs wondering what on earth is going on because something clearly is and he is obviously not going to tell me

i’m also worrying about the consequences and if hes suspended. what happens then hes got his a levels this year

This is terrible advice for dealing with a 17 yo boy. Don't do this. He deserves some privacy, not having his Mum go through his phone.

He will most likely refuse to hand it over, as would most kids of this age. What are you going to do then? It's just escalating the situation when he's already feeling shit.

I think a teacher just heard the commotion and saw the end of the fight when ds had punched his friend. All ds has said about it is that he pushed him and the boy pushed him back and he punched him but i know that’s not all that would’ve happened and something led up to ds pushing him to begin with but because he won’t say he just looks like he’s not cooperating, they’ve already mentioned him not goin g in tomorrow which is fair but i do think they’ll have no choice but to remove him from the college which would mess his a levels etc up but they’ll do it especially so if he shows no accountability they’ve already said they have zero tolerance to physical altercations

re him seeming withdrawn i just thought it was getting used to college starting again after a long break and it now being very serious with a levels and uni applications and deciding what he wants to do and every time i’ve tried to speak to him he says nothings wrong and he’s fine etc

I'm not sure how helpful it is for anyone to be racing ahead and second-guessing that the college will have no choice but to remove him. As you have told us yourself, you have had no information from DS and no detail from the college.

I do think it's worth pointing out to DS that you want to hear his account before the college gives you the outcome of their investigation. His knowledge of the college account is likely to change, even if slightly, his current view of what happened. If he was secure in his innocence, do you think he would be willing to tell you what happened?

You should have a behaviour and disciplinary policy from when DS joined the college. It would help you this evening have more of an idea of next steps.

I posted for support. I thought that’s what MN was for. Not “racing ahead and second guessing” anything.

He’s not the first, he won’t be the last. College will investigate, and there will be some punishment for one / both of them. Unless the other person is badly injured, I doubt it would merit an exclusion (I only say this from my school Governor experience).

I would be more concerned about any online chat about it .. you need to stop things getting stoked up.

@SparrowHaze You had rather assumed he would not be allowed back and you didn’t think the college had a behaviour, sanctions and discipline policy. @IdaGlossop Has given decent advice but it’s up to you whether you read up about exclusions or not.

Of course what happened leading up to the fight matters. A student who's never been in trouble, let alone violent, suddenly hits his friend... that's out of character. It means something did happen prior to the fight, that caused the OP's son to lash out. No, he shouldn't have hit the other lad, he should have walked away, but he didn't.

The college have a duty to investigate, and it's likely the other lad won't be allowed in either. Your son does need to understand the seriousness of the situation. He's due to take his exams next summer, and the college could decide he's no longer welcome on campus.

My guess is your son doesn't want to say what the other boy said, because it's disgusting. Either a comment about a girl he likes, you or if your son has one, his sister.

Your son needs to be completely transparent with the college, because they will want to speak to him. If he tells the college, it was 'nothing', then unfortunately that might mean he's kicked out.

There’s nothing on the website i can find about the behaviour policy, i know college is very different to school and they already said they have zero tolerance to physical altercations and they mentioned they’re investigating and will let us know the outcome. Obviously the college has a behaviour policy i never said they didn’t. But i can’t find it

but least i know now where not to come next time i need support 👍

They are the rules in my house and ive never had to do it, but my teens aren't hostile, so it works for me.

Ha! My teens wouldn't refuse because they are compliant. Mine have never been in trouble and excelling at school so obviously my advice and parenting isnt terrible.

Yes, he should be feeling shit, punching your mate isn't great and had it not been in school and was done on the street he would be looking at assault. Instead of empathising with someone who has done something bad, he should be punished.

This is why children have attitudes because they aren't being parented- parents want to be their buddies.

Tbh if it’s a first offence and he’s not normally a bad kid, they probably won’t go too hard on him if he co-operates. Especially if he’s on track for good grades.

People on mumsnet says their kid would never fight and that anyone who’s ever thrown a punch is a violent sociopath. That’s not true, a lot of teens (especially boys, but girls too) are full of hormones and sometimes it gets the best of them. Your son needs to tell you what happened, and you need to tell him the truth will come out at some point and you want to hear his side so you can support him best. Tbh, if I had to guess I’d say maybe they were fighting over a girl, and now he’s embarrassed. It may well be something like that, and now he will feel like a twat.

My drafting is at fault because my intention was to be supportive.

Let me put it another way.

Please try not to think about your DS having to leave college because it will make you more worried and is not the only possible outcome.

Typo

This is not a big deal. Honestly it will blow over. Lads do this all the time. Do you all live in places where this has never happened? Fights were common when I was at school. It was a rough area but lads move on quickly.

I don’t think it’s normal, especially not at 17 in year 13