Ds might be suspended after fight please help

[SparrowHaze]

i am honestly panicking a bit and dont really know what im asking here maybe i just need to write it down because i cant make any sense of what has happened today

ds is 17, year 13 and ive just got him home from college after he was involved in a fight with another boy in the common room

college have said they are investigating and he cant go back to lessons until they have made a decision about what happens next, which i know is serious obviously and im not saying he shouldnt face consequences because you cant just hit someone but this is so unlike him and thats what is worrying me

he is not some violent kid, hes a normal 17 year old can be moody and argumentative and all the usual teenager stuff but he has never been someone who gets into fights, certainly not at college

the boy he was fighting is actually one of his friends which is making it even more strange, theyre all in the same group and have been for ages, a very loud group of boys really and if im honest ive wondered before whether ds wouldnt be better off with some different friends

theyre always winding each other up and making comments about girls and things being “banter” and trying to embarrass each other, its just what theyre like and ds normally gives as good as he gets so ive never really known whether i should be worrying about it or just accepting that teenage boys are idiots sometimes

ive heard some of the things they say when ive picked ds up or theyve been around and some of it really isnt very nice but they all laugh and call it banter and ds has never seemed particularly bothered by it and ds is the same so i dont think its bullying or anything like that

apparently there was an argument before the fight and the other boy said something to him but ds wont tell me what

ive asked him in the car, ive asked him since we got home and every time its just “nothing”i said well it cant have been nothing if you got into a fight over it and he just shrugged then literally nothing, just staring out the window

he looks exhausted and ive asked him if hes hurt and he said no but he is definitely not himself

and this has been going on for a little while really, hes been much quieter at home and more irritable but just says he’s fine

i just put it down to year 13 because obviously theyre under pressure and hes got exams and everything coming up

the thing is if this was just their normal stupid banter then why would he react like this he must have been pushed really far for him to actually snap because i honestly cannot imagine him just deciding to punch one of his friends for no reason

and i know that sounds like im making excuses for him and im not, im absolutely furious that hes got himself into this situation and he knows better but i also feel like there is something hes not telling me

college said there were witnesses and they are going to speak to people and work out exactly what happened, theyve said ds cant just come back in tomorrow and carry on as normal and they will contact us when theyve decided what theyre doing

when we got home ds just went upstairs. i asked him one more time what happened and he said “mum ive told you, nothing happened”

and now im sat downstairs wondering what on earth is going on because something clearly is and he is obviously not going to tell me

i’m also worrying about the consequences and if hes suspended. what happens then hes got his a levels this year

I think I’d be saying lol, if you don’t tell me I’ll phone them and ask them but I’d rather have your version of events?

Look not lol

Take him a drink and a snack, tell him he doesn’t have to talk when he doesn’t want to, but you are there to support him when he is ready. And whatever has happened and whatever the consequences it’s your job as his loving mum to help him deal with times like this. Then leave him alone.

college doesn’t know either they just said they’re investigating. it was in the common room so no teachers around

The secondary my son goes to has cctv I wonder if they do?

This. From a college pov this must be basically a daily occurrence so I’d just let them do their thing.

You sound like you could come up with every excuse under the sun for this group of bots behaviour and you’re passing off certain behaviours as “banter” even though you’ve said in the same sentence what you’ve heard hasn’t been very nice.

How about we all stop saying boys will be boys and start saying boys will be held accountable for their behaviour.

Id be curious to know if you’d let all of the behaviour slide if you saw it happen with a female child or if you’d be more worried

Gosh, if this is out of character he's going to be shaken up. Whilst you're right to be mad, as its not a nice thing to happen, obviously something has provoked him.
He's dealing with anger, guilt, shame and upset right now, give him some time to process what's just happened. Tell him you're there to talk to when hes ready. Explain this won't go away, as college are investigating but there's no rush to talk right this minute.

Probably not what OP needs to get into right now

Op i wonder if your son has been bullied in some way?? Or the other lads have been hassling him and maybe he just snapped??
" Banter" with teenage boys is sometimes quite nasty and intense

This is the problem with banter it’s not just “banter” is it? It’s testing people to see where their morals lie.

I wouldn’t be surprised if the comment was about you, or younger sister(?), or something personal which hit a nerve.

I would go upstairs with a drink and ask
“so did he deserve the smack in the face?”
see what he says

you don’t have to approve of his actions but you might be able to get him to talk to you if you put college, A’levels etc to one side, consequences, what next, put all that aside and ask different questions

because the other one might’ve deserved it - your son might still have to face the consequences but you deal with that when you know what they are

I’d guess there’s a girl involved

@Backedoffhackedoff

I agree with @DaisyChain505
My best friends son left college because of 'banter'. The final straw? He was 17 and had a 16 year old girlfriend in the same year. The 'banter' was about whether she was 'legal' or if he was a child molester. The ringleader was the admin for the class whats app group and deleted him, isolating him further. After much provocation he reacted, walked out and never went back. College not interested in taking action against his so called friends, or put more correctly, bullies

This quite normal for lads I think. Usually blows over very quickly.

Sounds like the “banter” got out of hand and struck a nerve. Maybe they’ve been hassling him for some time about the same thing and he lost it. No excuse for violence obviously but banter is negging if we’re being honest.

I’m just thinking back to my younger years and honestly the only things I wouldn’t have told my mum about is things I got up to relating to sex.

It’s highly likely to involve a girl (or guy), and he’s been teased about something or he’s doing the teasing.

If the college is investigating, they should also take statements from both of the boys involved. Make sure that happens. Your ds must be afforded his opportunity to explain.

It’s so tiresome isn’t it. They don’t call out actual poor behaviour but have ‘bants ’ about shit like this.
Op, mine left their friendship group over the ongoing jokes and piss taking and after a period of stress made some decent new friends. He won’t tell you what’s happened if he doesn’t want to, mine did , but I have others who wouldn’t have done at that age. Probably fear you’ll get involved and make it ten times worse.

I’m not excusing them. They refer to it as banter themselves it’s not nice but it seems to be the dynamic of their friendship group
Im not with them the majority of the time so i can’t “hold them accountable” plus how can i hold them accountable when theyre all 17, bar one 18 year old and it just seems like its just what they’re all like when theyre together

Ive already said i sometimes wish he was part of a different group rather than the loud all boys one but i can’t just ban him from seeing them. I’ve never said boys will be boys.

If he won’t tell you, I would wonder if it was relationship violence.

Fights aren’t a part of our school culture so I’m surprised by commenters saying the college will deal with this daily or this sort of thing is normal for lads.

Im sorry that sounds stressful for your son and for you.
I think id tell him that a version of events will come out during this investigation as there were witnesses and the other boy will have a version of events, you will be told that version and you are better able to support him if you have his version of events. He might be processing things and be ready to discuss later.
Has the other boy been suspended?

I dont think the college will detail with this daily either especially not in year 13s when their a levels are coming up and they know better at that age

I dont know whether the other boy has got suspended, they said they were investigating and there were witnesses so they were getting their side.

DS has said the other boy deserved it and he was saying stuff but then says “nothing” when asked what so i have no idea but him not saying his side also likely doesn’t look good from the colleges pov

He's 17. He'll be lucky not to be prosecuted so I'd be pointing this out, as 'nothing' will not fly with a judge when he gets to court.

There is nothing you can do if he won’t tell you. Bit the bottom line is nothing justifies violence op and the fact he’s saying he deserved it is an issue in itself.

He was violent.
Bottom line.
Now find out why. Is he remorseful? Does he want to do something to change his ways?