AIBU to want quiet time without MIL before my baby's first birthday?

[anxious123456]

It's my baby's first birthday next weekend and my in-laws will be visiting (from where they live, about 4 hrs away) to celebrate. We're having a party on the Saturday and they are watching her on Friday so that we can do chores etc. My issue is that I really don't want my MIL around in the evening before/morning of her birthday but I also recognise that this is probably unreasonable?

She's extremely overbearing and inserts herself into everything to do with the baby whenever she can. She was a SAHM and is unhappy in her marriage - especially since having an empty nest - so she just goes a bit mad when she's with her grandchild, constantly taking over or giving unsolicited advice, telling me what my own child needs/likes etc. It's been difficult to navigate over the last year, particularly when my MH has not been great. I often just want to shout 'I'm the mum!!'.

Anyway, I've eased up quite a bit in recent months and I can recognise that we're lucky to have involved grandparents who love our daughter so much but there is something about her first birthday which is stirring up a lot of emotions in me and the idea of my MIL intruding on what feels like a very special time is causing me some anxiety. It's been such a difficult/magical/transformative year and I just would like some quiet time with my baby to sit with that... and to see her face when she sees the decorations in the morning without my MIL shrieking, grabbing her, being in all the photos etc.

MIL and FIL do have other children in the same city, but it's about an hour drive away so given that they will be around on the Friday, and then have to come back for the party on Saturday PM, this would be pretty inconvenient for them.

I think I know logically that I just need to suck it up but would welcome any advice for how to handle...

Yes j appreciate that after reading the Ops update but I do think the op.needs to manage her expectations, which tbf she realises, i also think how she speaks about the grandmother is really disrespectful regardless of why she is babysitting.

An unhappy empty nester.let's see how the op feels in 20 odd years time!

So ... you are happy to invite her to look after your child when it suits you but then want them to bugger off while you have "quiet time"!

I am sure you know you are being unreasonable. It's been such a difficult/magical/transformative year and I just would like some quiet time with my baby to sit with that - honestly that feels really self-indulgent - just go with the flow. Your child is part of a family, some of whom you will get on better with than others. That's just a fact of life.

Only my first child had a first birthday party because after that I realised how ridiculous they were.

YA absolutely NBU but you will have to suck it up, OP. I've been there and felt that and did not suck it up, and caused a lot of unnecessary hurt and bad feeling by doing so.

Please tell me what is sad and embarrassing about having a party for a baby's birthday?

100% this.

What is ridiculous about a first birthday party ? I mean it is obviously for the parents,family and friends the baby doesn't care, but it is hardly "ridiculous"

Big hugs and also it shows how strong you are to be able to take the comments on board. I’m afraid I am another of the opinion that your original post is a bit unreasonable. It’s a special day a first birthday (well all of them) but it’s more for the adults. The birthday child is pretty oblivious truth be told could be celebrated any day and they still wouldn’t know 🙈😂. I would treat it in your head as a family day for all to celebrate and then maybe organise a day out with just you lot after they’ve gone home to make more memories. You are not wrong to feel the way you are feeling and have a desire to have some alone time they are your feelings but think sadly it’s not doable or fair on the grandparents that have travelled.

it will be a lovely day, won’t be exactly how you imagine they never are. I’m like that every Christmas build up seeing their happy faces in the morning opening presents and how amazing the day will be after months of stress buying and wrapping and cooking the glorified Sunday roast and it’s never how I pictured it 🙈😂 xx

I can't agree more - all time of OP should be alone-time with her baby and her husband. Away with intrusive grandparents!

I agree that your expectations about reactions etc aren't likely to be fulfilled in terms of decorations etc.

However I don't know why people are being snotty about enjoying some quiet family time with your baby.

I took my baby out the day after his first birthday, and there was no prepping party food, no topping up glasses etc. Just me and him, it was lovely. But if you've chosen to have a party, then have the party and choose some quiet time separately to that.

It's not unreasonable to want time with your child but the visit's already been planned so it would be unreasonable to ask them to skedaddle for you to have that more intimate morning.

Your child won't have a clue and won't remember this moment. You have and will have plenty of one on one special moments. You can't have a quiet birthday morning because you have visitors, regardless of who they are or what your relationship with them is.

As they get older there'll be all sorts of birthday changes and flexibility so don't get to hung up on it. One of mine was on a school trip for his 11th, another was on a scout camp for his 13th, there are still so many ways to make it special and exciting and for them to know they're loved.

Babies don't even remember their first birthday. My youngest's first birthday was very quiet but pretty shitty because he had chicken pox so couldn't see anyone at all. I've got a few Covid baby mates and they had very quiet lonely first birthdays too. Embrace the chaos, celebrate the madness.

You can have a special quieter, one on one "yay I made it to a year as a mum" day the following week.

p.s. please do tell you MIL at some point that you're the mum and you know what you're doing. Say it calmly and clearly and kindly. I've ended up snapping out something similar recently and wished I'd raised it earlier.

I assume you haven't read OPs update.

GPs asked to look after the baby.
And reflecting making it to a year after a previous still birth is pretty understandable. I think calling that "self indulgent" is really harsh.

Perhaps you have lost a child, but even if you managed it perfectly, I think you could spare a tad more grace towards someone who is struggling (and admits that they are being precious themselves).

I'm really surprised at all the comments dismissing a first birthday. It was a few years ago now but I felt like my little ones first birthday was a real milestone and I did feel emotional about it! A lot of my friends felt the same about their children so I don't think the OP is alone in this. It was also very special to see her little face when she saw her balloons, unwrapped her present and had her first piece of birthday cake.

That being said we did share the day with family and it was very special for everyone involved. I don't think there's a way of getting your in laws to leave OP, at least not without seeming rude, but maybe you can just get an early night on the Friday night and say you're tired etc and want to be rested for the party. Just to give yourself a bit of space with your own feelings and emotions xx