AIBU to want quiet time without MIL before my baby's first birthday?

[anxious123456]

It's my baby's first birthday next weekend and my in-laws will be visiting (from where they live, about 4 hrs away) to celebrate. We're having a party on the Saturday and they are watching her on Friday so that we can do chores etc. My issue is that I really don't want my MIL around in the evening before/morning of her birthday but I also recognise that this is probably unreasonable?

She's extremely overbearing and inserts herself into everything to do with the baby whenever she can. She was a SAHM and is unhappy in her marriage - especially since having an empty nest - so she just goes a bit mad when she's with her grandchild, constantly taking over or giving unsolicited advice, telling me what my own child needs/likes etc. It's been difficult to navigate over the last year, particularly when my MH has not been great. I often just want to shout 'I'm the mum!!'.

Anyway, I've eased up quite a bit in recent months and I can recognise that we're lucky to have involved grandparents who love our daughter so much but there is something about her first birthday which is stirring up a lot of emotions in me and the idea of my MIL intruding on what feels like a very special time is causing me some anxiety. It's been such a difficult/magical/transformative year and I just would like some quiet time with my baby to sit with that... and to see her face when she sees the decorations in the morning without my MIL shrieking, grabbing her, being in all the photos etc.

MIL and FIL do have other children in the same city, but it's about an hour drive away so given that they will be around on the Friday, and then have to come back for the party on Saturday PM, this would be pretty inconvenient for them.

I think I know logically that I just need to suck it up but would welcome any advice for how to handle...

Definitely building it up too much. I was the same and was very underwhelmed on my dd's first birthday because they just don't give a shit at that age 😂 it was just like any other day! She wouldn't even try her birthday cake.

And I wouldn’t expect too much from your baby’s expression when seeing decorations, either.

The baby absolutely won't notice.

This is about you and your feelings

as as an adult you can have a quiet special time with baby to celebrate how far you have come anytime - it doesn’t have to be her birthday - what about the day you brought her home from hospital ? I still remeber that vividly/ the sudden feeling of “oh hec , it’s down to me now “

YABU

my parents and my in laws are over bearing so we just crack on and prep things ourselves, we don’t ask them for help as we know we wouldn’t want them to linger and I realise that would be unfair

it’s fine to not want to have them around so much but you can’t have it both ways!

I think it is a milestone day and it’s a big year to reflect back on however your baby won’t know that. You also can’t chuck MIL out. Put the decorations up a couple of days before have that moment for her to come downstairs in the morning to see them, open a present take pictures have your time it really doesn’t matter what day it is. Then when MIL is there you have had your time and you can let her enjoy it and relax as she hasn’t interrupted your time.

Can you not go out for a quiet drink with DH the night before and leave MIL to babysit?

Aim to take one photo which will make you happy to look back on. On their 1st birthday we have a lovely photo of DT’s so happy playing with a cardboard box. They ignored the presents and decorations but the grin on their faces when they could crawl into the box was priceless.

I completely understand your feelings but I think YABU. You need to separate your feelings towards MIL and how MIL feels about your child. It sounds like, as overbearing as she is, she loves your DD.

You can never have too many people who love your children.

I live with 2 adults who are just as overbearing and love to tell me what my child likes and dislikes but it comes from a place of love.

I also believe in letting them figure it out between themselves so if someone says DD loves X but she doesn't actually, let them manage the consequences without stepping in unless safety is compromised.

She lives 4 hours away so it isn't going to be so regular. She just wants to be involved.

Are they staying with you or in a hotel?

If in a hotel, absolutely reasonable to ask PIL
not to come until the party starts.

I don't need years tbh, I can see that right now.

I entirely recognise that I'm making too much of one day, I'm just struggling with all my own feelings.

This baby was born early, after a high-risk pregnancy and a previous stillbirth. I developed severe PPA and PPD requiring a lot of perinatal MH intervention. I think I have developed a preoccupation with 'making the most of every minute/milestone' because there were so many times I didn't think I'd make it here. Throughout the whole journey I've felt unsupported by ILs (who are only interested in baby) and then constantly criticised for not involving them enough when I take a step back. (In fact I don't need them to babysit on Friday at all but they have insisted bc they feel they don't have enough alone time with her).

Anyway, none of that changes that my feelings about next weekend are unreasonable and I obviously need to find some other way to process my emotions. I really don't want to be difficult or create issues unnecessarily, and I want my child to have a good relationship with them. Thank you to those who have replied with kindness - and I will lower my expectations for the day/weekend, you're right that this is all irrelevant to baby!

What quiet time do you need with a baby ? i am not trying to be obnoxious or anything but you have invited the grandparents to the party and babysit but you have conditions? You are not worrying about your unhappy overbearing mother in law when she is babysitting so you can get on with the preparations.

YABU and you know this but it’s ok to feel like you do but yes, you do have to suck it up and find a way to enjoy it. She loves your baby and that’s a really good thing. You will always get stories of grannies and grandads who are not interested so here’s mine - for my son’s 1st birthday my parents posted him a card. They live 3 miles out of our small town and would have had to have driven to the post box about 200m from my door to post it! And we actually get on pretty well believe it or not! People are weird, overstepping (or understepping!) etc just try and take everything in good faith where there is no malice intended by them and your life will be easier x

Put the decorations up the day before, so that you can enjoy her reaction privately. Also the decorations will be as you want them to be!!

That’s a very mature and reasonable response. Well done you for recognising that you might be being a bit unreasonable. I wish you a very happy weekend and hope it all goes well for you. All the best. ❤️

Making it to 1 absolutely is momentous and you should be proud! Rather than framing it around the baby (who, as other have said, will mostly be oblivious!), maybe take a bit of time with your husband! On the Friday, while MIL is babysitting, can you sack off the chores for an hour and go for lunch? Have a glass of fizz and congratulate each other for one whole year of being parents ☺️

You should definitely congratulate yourself on making it through a difficult year! But do it the day before or the next day, when there are fewer people around, and emotions are running less high. And there's definitely a place for maintaining your own emotional boundaries around IL criticism -- you should feel free to say 'Well, this is how we're doing it, Helen.' I don't think expecting support from them sounds realistic in the circumstances.

I personally don’t think YABU but it would be very rude to have them look after your daughter on Friday then go stay somewhere else and come back for the party. In hindsight you should have thought this through before asking for childcare on the Friday. Next year just invite for the party and then they won’t be there for the birthday morning.

Could you have a special morning with your daughter doing presents etc on the Friday morning before they arrive? I know it’s not her actual bday but your 1 year old won’t have a clue anyway. At least you get the time to do it without MIL there overbearing!

Or could you ask one of your DH siblings to invite MIL out for dinner and to stay over the Friday night so that she isn’t with you but it’s also not like you’ve told her she isn’t there.

You can't have it both ways unfortunately.

If you want quiet time, it's fine to ask them not to come before the day of the party. But then you can't ask them to babysit.

And if they are helping you out, no you can't tell them to disappear the evening before. As tempted and as reasonable it might be to want them to 😂

quiet time with my baby to sit with that... and to see her face when she sees the decorations in the morning she won't really care at that age, but why don't you just hide half her presents, and open them the day after the party when it's just the 2 of you. You'll then have your moment.

Exactly. My grand daughter is 1 in a few weeks, I doubt if my daughter will put up decorations as such, and if she does the baby will probably look a bit baffled for a minute then try to eat them!

The old adage that at that age they’re more interested in the box than the actual present is probably true !

YAB a bit U! However if you can see that too much MIL time is likely to overwhelm you, could you do something "nice" for her like get tickets to a play at the local theatre for Friday evening - is there anything good on?

ETA on Saturday morning take the baby for a walk if you need a moment.

It's very normal to want to wake up on your child's first birthday without mil there... But if you're asking her to babysit the night before and then return for the party, that would be very rude.
You either want her help and she stays, or she doesn't help and just arrives for the party.

If you are a grandparent and read the OP post and it made you think: worry not, your grandchildren will avenge you!

You’re making far too much of it. Good grief, your baby won’t have a clue what’s going on anyway. Everything is new and exciting to them anyway.

You're acting as if it’s some huge, important event, but a child's birthday, even a first birthday, is really not such a big deal. In years to come, when you might have several children to juggle, you’ll wonder why on earth this seemed so important to you.

I read your update and I get it - I really do. It took me about 5 years to have my daughter, 2 miscarriages and a really long time to get pregnant the first time. So I got really intense (and had a bit of PP Anxiety now that I look back) about pretty much everything.

In this scenario I would consider taking Thursday off for a special day with your wee one. I promise a 1 year old won't care if a celebration is a day or two early, probably won't care about their presents and almost certainly won't notice decorations -this all happens later on. Birthdays for 3/4/5 and onwards are way more fun for them. But you can definitely have some special times for just the two of you before the chaos.

I also started a tradition of buying 'myself' a gift on my kids' birthdays. Having them was pretty traumatic in lots of ways - had some serious complications when I had my daughter, had a really rough pregnancy with my son and have some life-changing issues after these 5 years. So I get myself something frivolous and slightly ridiculous on each of their birthdays to congratulate myself. A silly bag or cute socks or a deliveroo order I don't need... just something just for me. It might be nice to consider what 'you' would want to do as well as pleasing everyone around you.

Take a break from inviting your parents in law for a while. You aren't as relaxed about their presence as you thought, which is good information to notice about yourself. You're allowed to have boundaries (just not quite on this occasion because they've already been invited).