AIBU to want quiet time without MIL before my baby's first birthday?

[anxious123456]

It's my baby's first birthday next weekend and my in-laws will be visiting (from where they live, about 4 hrs away) to celebrate. We're having a party on the Saturday and they are watching her on Friday so that we can do chores etc. My issue is that I really don't want my MIL around in the evening before/morning of her birthday but I also recognise that this is probably unreasonable?

She's extremely overbearing and inserts herself into everything to do with the baby whenever she can. She was a SAHM and is unhappy in her marriage - especially since having an empty nest - so she just goes a bit mad when she's with her grandchild, constantly taking over or giving unsolicited advice, telling me what my own child needs/likes etc. It's been difficult to navigate over the last year, particularly when my MH has not been great. I often just want to shout 'I'm the mum!!'.

Anyway, I've eased up quite a bit in recent months and I can recognise that we're lucky to have involved grandparents who love our daughter so much but there is something about her first birthday which is stirring up a lot of emotions in me and the idea of my MIL intruding on what feels like a very special time is causing me some anxiety. It's been such a difficult/magical/transformative year and I just would like some quiet time with my baby to sit with that... and to see her face when she sees the decorations in the morning without my MIL shrieking, grabbing her, being in all the photos etc.

MIL and FIL do have other children in the same city, but it's about an hour drive away so given that they will be around on the Friday, and then have to come back for the party on Saturday PM, this would be pretty inconvenient for them.

I think I know logically that I just need to suck it up but would welcome any advice for how to handle...

Having had 3 mothers in law in my life I would suggest "drink a lot" - just kidding but there is no real way out of this.

I love these ideas, thank you

that's such a brilliant idea

As an aside, who has 'quiet time' when they have a baby / toddler?? I think you're placing a massive over expectation on this event. The baby won't know or care about decorations. Mine was in a terrible mood during her first birthday, she clung to me and wasn't interested in anything. That's normal!

Actually, re-read OP again and I wish that all grandparents will offer bugger-all support, like really no support until such a time that their ungrateful adult children and especially dils and sils will crawl on their hands and knees to them, begging for support and help.

Grandparents! Remember, every pound and minute spent on your grandchildren, can be spent on your good selves! So many books unread, so many cruises not attempted, so many parks not walked.

Grandparents! Remember you are not getting any younger - why waste little precious time left on ingrates (either open or surreptitious) - use every spare minute and every spare pound on yourselves, or, if you already have all your needs catered for, on those less fortunate - plenty of charities where people will show gratitude and will never call you overbearing, intruding, interfering.

Also, judging by how many posters write about overbearing, intruding, interfering MILs and FILs, don't think for a moment this is not how your children and children-in-law speak about you. Take notice. Don't humiliate yourself by casting pearl before swines.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP, you've had an incredibly difficult time.

I think you mentioning seeing the look on your daughter's face when she sees the decorations has sent people down the wrong track. They're right that this will be momentary and probably not remembered by her. But I also completely understand, given your recent history, why you'd want a more gentle and reflective atmosphere on the day.

As others have said I think it would be difficult to explain to a MIL that you want her to leave and come back, even if she weren't already a bit challenging. I don't know what the solution is other than to try and make a little moment for you three only in the morning - before you bring her downstairs if they're staying with you?

However, once this is over I think you will need to find a way to put boundaries in with her. As ever, this is really DH's job - he needs to find a way to gently tell her to back off with the advice and general dominance - and then not so gently if she ignores that.

Your update helps to explain how you feel OP. No way around it really - just plaster a smile on your face and lower your expectations a little for the day - your baby won't notice any of it and is likely to get fussy in the midst of all the activity - just make sure you get nice photos of yourself, DZh and your baby.

You have had a year and some of it, so I can see why your emotions are running high, and are getting muddled up with your MiL and the birthday.

Forget for a moment about the birthday celebration and on the morning of the birthday , before you get out of bed smile to yourself and take a minute for you. It’s all you need to take. A minute to acknowledge that you have been through the wringer, and despite everything ( the things you mentioned, plus the sleep deprivation, squitty nappies, sick on your best jumper,etc etc etc etc) have come out the other side as a loving, caring mum with a happy healthy child who is growing physically, emotionally and intellectually every day thanks to you.

Take a few moments to realise that that is what you will be and should be celebrating although your name won’t be on the cake, there won’t be congratulatory cards and you won’t have a balloon to tie on your chair.

Happy First Year of Being a Mumsday @anxious123456

She’s only got them babysitting because they want to! Op, you sound very reasonable. Doing it again, I’d say they can come
Saturday and babysit on the Sunday so you can have your Friday and wake up Saturday- think about what matters to you and what else would work for them and manage boundaries. And tell your dh to have your back.

Too much fuss over a baby's birthday. These big over the top celebrations are a bit, sad, embarrassing and a tad pretentious.

In retrospect, we made far too much of a fuss for, our now 20-month-old's, first birthday. We had a little tea party with close family on the actual day and then threw a big party with far too many people at the weekend. I think I stupidly felt pressured to pull out all the stops after a friend had hired a room and caterers for her baby's first birthday a few months earlier, which, I realise, is a pretty silly reason since nobody was actually putting pressure on me, it was all in my own head!
We had a lovely party at home, beautiful cake and decorations and good food, but, in retrospect, there were far too many people there and our one-year-old had no clue what was going on, nor did she care. She was mainly overwhelmed by the volume of guests. She was, at best, mildly interested when we showed her the decorations before the party, but it wasn't a moment of wonder that she or we will remember for a lifetime and setting it up as such can only lead to disappointment.
The truth is that a one-year-old has absolutely no concept of what a birthday is, ditto their first Christmas, yes, it's significant for the adults in their lives but, as far as the baby is concerned, their routine is being changed and lots of strange things are happening. For this reason, birthday celebrations for a baby are just as likely to end in tears as smiles.
I completely understand the responsibility OP feels for making her precious little one's first birthday perfect but please know that nobody expects this of you and that your baby will likely not react in the way you hope she will to decorations, and that is not a failure on your part, nor will she look back and feel any disappointment about a day she will not be able to remember. Please just relax and enjoy yourself as best as you can, accept help when offered and try not to look at the day as a series of unique moments and experiences which can never be recreated. You will have plenty more birthdays with your little girl, when she will actually know what is going on and even be able to tell you what she wants to happen at her party! Have fun!

For my DD’s first birthday, we didn’t have a party at all, and no visitors - both grandparents lived hundreds of miles away. No decorations. We did get her a present and a balloon. I made a cupcake for her and stuck a candle in it. We had booked a babysitter, and then in the evening DH and I went out for dinner. There definitely was a feeling of amazement that we’d managed to keep her alive for a whole year, though, not knowing what we were doing as first-time parents.

Why don't you just take baby out for a little walk just the two of you in the morning when you first wake up. Have some fresh air - which is always helpful with depression - and get away from ILs for a bit. You don't need a whole morning but just half an hour of focused time I am sure will make you feel better. If ILs are up and want to come just say oh no thank you, just keen to have a few minutes of quiet before the action later. And just go, don't let them say oh i will have baby etc, just repeat oh no thank you etc.

And then don't have them visit so often any more, if they annoy you so much.

I think it would be helpful to maybe separate what's what here. You've got some irritation with your MIL, fair enough. You've also got some difficult feelings, understandably, about your baby's first birthday. They've crashed together.

Your baby won't know it's her birthday, let that land. I'd get up early early, pop her in her pram and take her out for a walk with your DH, get a coffee and some breakfast maybe and just acknowledge how far you've come together as a family.

Then head back in and let it happen. It's one day, like Christmas day. It's so loaded if you let it be and has the potential to become a total nightmare. But it's 12 hours, you'll go to bed and get up the next morning and stack the dishwasher and life goes on. Don't put so much pressure on it.

Exactly this. I think you have very unrealistic expectations of 1yo’s and parties. In other news, they likely won’t give a hoot about any present but will fancy any wrapping paper or a box something came in for a whole 5mins.

Maybe you should read OP's last post before you make such a dismissive and unkind judgement.

ah OP, your latest update explains a lot, so sorry to hear of your loss. I think the suggestion of taking DD for a walk Saturday morning so you get some alone time with her is a great idea. And in future, you don't need to put ILs needs before your own, especially if they haven't been particularly kind or supportive towards you in the past.

If you're re-reading OP's first post, please read her last post which explains why this first birthday is so important to her. She isn't ungrateful and she doesn't need her in-laws to babysit. They are insisting on doing this because they want time alone with OP's baby.

It’s hard. You can’t ask them to leave, you’ve invited them and they’re helping out.

I can give you help with dealing with it though. I have a similar relationship where I get “you need to toughen up (me), she’s too clingy to you” comments every time we see each other. My youngest is a toddler, at nursery 32 hours a week, they never do any childcare (fine, I don’t want them to) and their son doesn’t help. So I’m not sure how I can make her less clingy, save bring a worse mother.

Anyhow that’s by the by. I just say “oh lovely” or “how nice!” Whenever she makes unwanted observations or suggestions / demands. Answering with an inappropriate comment makes them stop in their tracks.

I do and don’t get it. I was quite emotional on my firsts, first birthday. But just making sure you are the one they wake up to in the morning and put them to sleep that night is enough. Don’t be a martyr and run after everyone on the day make sure your present and don’t be doing coffees or anything for people as part of hosting duties.

I'm actually more inclined to think, unless she's actually staying at your house in which case it's unavoidable, then that tranquil morning before birthday party fun is a lovely thing. I had that with my son and it was lovely. We had the night before too and could sit and look at his decorations and presents, and chat about him and what we'd done in that year, how far we'd come etc. We didnt really plan or curate that peaceful time, it just happened as my parents were staying in a hotel nearby. It was lovely.

So if your mil is in a hotel or staying elsewhere then its perfectly reasonable to say goodbye Friday evening and see you Saturday at x time. If she's a house guest then of course not possible. And it's not irrelevant that your in laws behaviour probably contributed to ppd, I mean can't they read the room? Just because your mil had an unhappy marriage, her experience doesn't trump yours! It's brilliant you've been able to recalibrate it in your mind and think of the positives, but please don't diminish your own wants and needs whilst doing that.

I understand how you feel. Is it possible to take your child into your bedroom on Saturday morning and have a quiet hour with them before you get up and see your in laws?

Could your husband take his parents out to dinner ans an thank you and leave you and baby to relax?

I don't think you're being reasonable. It's only a date, not an event. Your baby will be entirely unaware of everything, decorations and presents included.

I have no recollection of DC2's first birthday and I only remember DC1's because we were at a family party for DH's grandma whose birthday is the day before.

This is such a wise post!

OP, just take a deep breath, big smile and re-read this posters comment if you’re struggling! It echoes a little, what happened to us.

My Ddad was a bit over-bearing with my DS, ( only grandchild) absolutely loved him to bits, spoilt him, took him out and about and they were so happy messing about getting mucky together but sadly Dad had a stroke out of the blue, aged 66 and it started his mental and physical decline. DS helped him so much and showed great patience. Luckily DS, aged now 41, has some superb memories of the mischief they got up to when Dad was well.
We never know what each day will bring.
Hope your birthday celebrations go well. MIL lives far enough away as to not be a regular PITA, so you know it’s not for long! 🌺