AIBU to want quiet time without MIL before my baby's first birthday?

[anxious123456]

It's my baby's first birthday next weekend and my in-laws will be visiting (from where they live, about 4 hrs away) to celebrate. We're having a party on the Saturday and they are watching her on Friday so that we can do chores etc. My issue is that I really don't want my MIL around in the evening before/morning of her birthday but I also recognise that this is probably unreasonable?

She's extremely overbearing and inserts herself into everything to do with the baby whenever she can. She was a SAHM and is unhappy in her marriage - especially since having an empty nest - so she just goes a bit mad when she's with her grandchild, constantly taking over or giving unsolicited advice, telling me what my own child needs/likes etc. It's been difficult to navigate over the last year, particularly when my MH has not been great. I often just want to shout 'I'm the mum!!'.

Anyway, I've eased up quite a bit in recent months and I can recognise that we're lucky to have involved grandparents who love our daughter so much but there is something about her first birthday which is stirring up a lot of emotions in me and the idea of my MIL intruding on what feels like a very special time is causing me some anxiety. It's been such a difficult/magical/transformative year and I just would like some quiet time with my baby to sit with that... and to see her face when she sees the decorations in the morning without my MIL shrieking, grabbing her, being in all the photos etc.

MIL and FIL do have other children in the same city, but it's about an hour drive away so given that they will be around on the Friday, and then have to come back for the party on Saturday PM, this would be pretty inconvenient for them.

I think I know logically that I just need to suck it up but would welcome any advice for how to handle...

Just enjoy some quiet time on the Sunday, decorations will still be up.

You can't invite her to babysit and to a party and then expect her to not be there.

I don't think you can send them off unfortunately. I do think you're building up the occasion a lot, anticipating the look on your baby's face etc. Could you think less about the immediate birthday and more about the month around it as a milestone? Sounds like it's been tough as well as very special. Perhaps flip the story in your mind to gratitude she's here, that you're coping and enjoying her, that lots of people love her etc. Try to take pressure off the day and your MIL will be less annoying. Also have a few calm phrases to shut down her most ridiculous behaviour.

You’re building this up into something momentous and significant. It doesn’t need to be. It’s only a first birthday. I personally think having a birthday party for a baby is completely bonkers, but I accept that some people want to. But if it’s going to make you stressed or anxious, maybe rethink it.

Is she staying in a hotel and you want her to come to your house on the Friday, look after your baby while you do chores. Then ask her to return to the hotel late afternoon and stay away until the party begins the next day? Having driven 4 hours to get there.

I think she would have to think the absolute world of you to do that.

You can’t invite someone to stay to babysit and attend a baby’s party and then require them to get out of the house for several hours the day of the party because you find them annoying, no.

Are you a bit overly hung up on your child’s first birthday as some kind of big milestone that requires you to have ‘quiet time’? Just do it the day before or next day? Your baby will still turn one.

And I wouldn’t expect too much from your baby’s expression when seeing decorations, either.

To be honest, she’s 1 year old - the decorations won’t enchant her as much as they do you/an older child. She may barely glance at them before something else catches her eye! Look forward to your calm, connected day after the party frenzy…

honestly - a 12 month old is not going to give a stuff about the presents. They may be interested in opening a couple but then will become overwhelmed and not want to open any more. First birthdays are all about the mother really, no-one else cares.
Could your DH take his mum/parents out for brunch after opening presents for an hour or two to give you quiet time with the baby?

I think I would schedule in a different day- you are going to feel a bit stressed on the day of the party anyway. Better to take stock once it’s over. Could you plan to take her somewhere special or even for a picnic near the hospital she was born in? Take a cake, dress her up, take some photos or get someone to take photos of the two of you?

or you could schedule an actual first birthday photo shoot etc

Its a baby who will be completely unaware. You are building it up to something it isnt. If you have more children, trust me, the birthdays all morph into nothing.

I’m sorry, but you are expecting too much from the day and setting yourself up for disappointment.

You know you’re being unreasonable. She’s doing you a favour by babysitting, she’s a guest in your home, you can’t ask her to leave for some of it.

Fwiw one of my DC’s first birthday was at the start of the first lockdown, it was a pile of utter shit. All plans cancelled, money lost, I couldn’t find some of the gifts we’d bought as everyone was so bloody stressed, I can’t even remember if there was cake and I always bake. But I look back at photos of her in her pretty dress, largely oblivious to the world going mad, and I know she had a nice day and still likes some of the books she got.

So she os good enough to baby sit for you but when you don't require her service she needs to be gone? It's a first birthday not a royal wedding

I totally understand how you feel and wanting space to be the mum but I'm afraid you shouldn't have invited them if you feel that way. It would be unreasonable to try to exclude her having invited her and used her to babysit.

Are they staying with you? If not it's easy, just get up really early. If they are, you'll just have to manage.

If she is a baby-grabber just don't let her take her out of your arms!

You’re being massively unreasonable. You want her to drive 4 hours so she has babysit for you to do chores then do what so you can have ‘quiet’ time (whatever that is?!) sit in a hotel on her own presumably and then come back for the party. Come on @anxious123456thats really not fair.

you’re making this into something it isn’t. Have the ‘quiet time’ on the Sunday. Be grateful that she cares and wants to be involved unlike one of my parents who could not give a fuck.

I think you just need to go with it on Friday and Saturday and try not to let her get to you. And plan to enjoy your quiet time later. It's only 2 days (some of which they are helping you by babysitting) and it really is only a date when all is said and done. You can reflect on the year and how far you have come the next day.

Thank you for the replies - it's been a needed reminder that this is unreasonable. I've had a very difficult year and making it through to 1 feels momentous but I've obviously built it up waaaay too much in my head and I'm allowing previous resentments with MIL to cloud my thinking.

Do you really need the babysitting on the Friday? I’d cancel that and just have them come up on the day (and stay over after if it’s too far to drive back)

I speak from a similar experience with lack of boundaries etc with ILs but them also helping us so it’s tricky!! I’ve had to accept that if I ask for help I can’t control other things - so sometimes not asking for help is easier at times.

Yes the baby grabbing thing just practice a really kind Ms Rachel voice “ahh not right now, maybe later ok”

This - I think the whole ‘first birthday’ thing is a little bizarre if it involves a 4 hour trip to join. Baby has no idea - this is about the adults, not the baby, and for baby it is just another day.

I’d call off the ‘party’ and the visit and dial it back.

I have a slightly different take to others.

I found 1st birthday quite a difficult day. Mainly because my birth was terrifying and I had a lot of unresolved sadness and frankly anger at how poorly I was treated, not taken seriously etc.

Took me completely by surprise! I thought I was so over all that months ago. So if it is for something like that, I'd just explain. Maybe take yourself off for a quiet coffee or walk.

You can't tell MIL to go out, but maybe your husband could take them out to brunch or the park?

Agree with this poster!

It sounds like you have a busy day the day before. After you wake up with baby, sing happy birthday and do breakfast, why not suggest DH takes his parents out for a walk with baby in pram. You can chill a bit, go for an appointment/ gym / swim whatever you like to do to relax. Honestly the 1st birthday to me is more of a milestone of “well done, mum, you did it!” Baby doesn’t have a clue.

For ours we did a couple of presents, baby soft play then took ourselves for a slap up lunch to celebrate while baby was conked out in pram!

Just a reminder that babies do not care about or remember anything about their first birthday. We threw a huge bash for our son’s first birthday, utterly ridiculous and in hindsight was completely pointless. Therefore, you can have your quiet time anytime before or after the party or weekend, it doesn’t matter when.
I would be thankful for having a mother in law no matter how annoying, DHs mum was diagnosed with early dementia the same time we had our first born and she couldn’t even hold the baby. She once tried to feed him but unscrewed the lid of the bottle and poured it on herself. She went into a care home shortly after and then it was us visiting and helping her even though she had no idea who we were. No matter how annoying, you have an extra person who is alive, loves your child and has the ability to help out. I would have loved an annoying overbearing MIL who wants pictures and to hold the baby. Someone else you loved and cared for your child is another person in this world looking out for them.

It's just another day for your baby, remember. They'll need their feeds, naps, bathtime and everything else they have as a baby.

Accept the help from the MIL but politely remind her its still just another day for the baby.

You will look back in years to come and realise just how precious you were .