AIBU not to wake my 20-year-old for early shifts?

[itsmeitsyou]

DS 20 has a new job. It's full time in a factory and I am very happy for him as previous work has been mainly casual bar work.

He has struggled to get up for his shifts. He needs to be up by 5am to leave at 5.30am for public transport on a weekday for a 7am start. Weekend he starts at 6! Thankfully we have good transport links and he can get there.

Problem is one of us in the house is having to wake him. I don't want to get up at 4.30am on a weekend to get him up.

My sister (has no children) has called me selfish. As when she was asking about the new job I confessed I didn't know how he would manage the 6am starts on a Saturday. She said I need to get up and get him up, it's my duty as his parent!

YABU - help him get up on weekend
YANBU - he is 20 and needs to continue to learn natural consequences

When I was a student I did a 3 hour commute to work some days for a company that had shops all over Merseyside.
Sometimes it involved, bus, ferry and bus again.
The wages were basic (they paid my travel expenses) but I got valuable retail experience.
So although I was always in bed at 9.00.pm every night, I was able to put my experience down on my CV.

I got him his provisional. We gave him some money and he got his trust fund. I advised he used it to learn to drive. He chose to spend it on a lads holiday. It was his money.
If he keeps the job in a few months he would be able to start to learn. By which point his body clock hopefully will have adjusted.
I unfortunately am not in a position to fund it for him. I wasn't in a place to fund it for myself till I was in my 30s. If I could I would.

My son (21) is also a heavy sleeper. While he’s at uni he deals with it but I think if he was home I would wake him the first week or so, but tell him after that he’s on his own. I know losing his job would be a hard lesson but I assume the loss would impact you too financially. So yes I’d help at the start to get him adjusted.

Not studying at uni?

At 20, he should be taking responsibility for himself.

I was born in the early 50s. From the age of 14, I did summer jobs in shops and offices until I left home at 18 to attend art school. I lived in a village and had a 10 minute walk to the bus stop for a 7 mile journey into town. I was never late, I never missed a bus. Many young people left school at 15 and 16 to start apprenticeships, attend tech colleges or to work in shops, offices etc. It was expected that young people would not miss buses and would turn up to work, every day, on time. One summer, I worked in the office of a Littlewoods store making up wage packets and general admin work and all employees had to "clock in" on a machine. If you were late, money would be docked from your wage packet.

Working life started at 15 and 16 for young people who weren't staying on at school.

I get tired of seeing posts on MN, where "their brains aren't fully developed until they are 23 . . ." is trotted out. Kids of 15 and 16 managed to get up and travel to work in the 60s, why can't they do it now?

He needs to leave at 5am on Saturday.

I'm an early riser. I start work at 6, but I still have made it clear to my children that I am not responsible for getting them out of bed on time (tweens)

Now, I'm not a monster, and if we've had a late night for some reason I'll go and gently make sure they're waking up, or if I notice that it's close to leaving time and I haven't seen them then I'll go and chase (this is very rare) - but I'm very firm that they are responsible for getting themselves up, and I'm not going to move on that.

He's 20. He has a world of gadgets around him I'm sure that can wake him. He needs to use them.

He definitely has to learn. There are lots of alarm clock options, the ones that gradually light the room, vibrating pillow or wrist, and just something very loud (although that might wake you too). Most I would potentially offer would be to help short term whilst his body clock resets from the late shifts and he starts to get used to waking up early.

He also needs to make sure he goes to bed early enough so his body has had enough sleep by that time in the morning if he has any hope on improving the wake up situation.

Not everyone goes to university....

If he's struggling in the dark, the daylight clocks are fantastic - I've had one for about 20 years and would never use anything else in winter.

I've seen adverts for these watch type things that vibrate that you could try. I am with you - it's not selfish to not want to get up at 4.30am for a 20 year old adult human. Why should you be able to wake to an alarm and not expect him to? 4.30am on a Saturday is disgusting. If he weren't living with you he'd need to take responsibility for waking up on time so he really does need to work this one out himself.

Of course, you can wake up early for the first couple of weeks while he gets into the swing of it but good God no, your sleep pattern shouldn't be dictated by your adult child's work hours. (speaking as a parent of 20, 18 and 14 year olds)

Buy him a biig old fashioned
mechanical alarm clock.
Instruct him to set it and place 2 metres from his bed.

I wouldn’t be waking him up, but I would help him by reminding him to go to bed on time and to make sure he has everything ready the night before so that he can sleep as long as possible.

If he’s really struggling to get up it’s probably because he’s not going go bed early enough - not a problem that can be solved with a new alarm clock.

I used to have an alarm where you had to scan a barcode or take a photo of a certain object, the alarm got louder every thirty seconds. Torture but effective!

I think in the current climate for jobs then I would do everything to support him as losing a job and trying to find another one is going to have much more of an impact on you. That said it is shit.

i would get him a daylight alarm clock to have alongside his phone alarm - also if he showers get the hot water settings adjusted so it's warm - and over winter the heating on

getting up that early is tough and yes he's got to get himself there but a bit of help is a nice thing to do x

He isn't academic
He had several interviews for an apprenticeship unfortunately he was unsuccessful. He does plan on reapplying next year for one.

Yes, there's helping, and then there's taking responsibility for isn't there.

I would absolutely make suggestions about alarms/bedtime, make sure the water's hot and the heating in his room fires up so it's at least not actively unpleasant to get out of bed like you say.

I wouldn't be taking responsibility for getting him up and out.

Well then he’ll learn the hard way. I certainly wouldn’t be waking him up. He needs to learn skills.

When I was in university I dated someone who would never wake up to their phone alarm. He combatted this by having two. One of them was a super loud one and he put it at the other side of the room so he physically had to get up to turn it off. It was annoying because it was loud and went off for so long but it did the trick.

He's 20!! Many of our grandparents were married with children and had been working for several years already at that age. He can wake himself up.

Smart light bulbs can work well for this too.

YANBU.

He's an adult man. He needs to learn to get himself up and ready to start work on time. He won't always live with you and needs to have this life skill.

This ^.
I also got that t-shirt, wore it and threw it away.
IMO some teenagers today want spoon-feeding 🙄

No its not the point of the thread
Not everybody goes to university
People still need to work and attitudes like yours are just rude and unhelpful.

He’s an adult not a baby. He needs to
set a loud alarm and place it at the other side of his room.

He needs a decent alarm clock.