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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU not to wake my 20-year-old for early shifts?

327 replies

itsmeitsyou · Today 07:21

DS 20 has a new job. It's full time in a factory and I am very happy for him as previous work has been mainly casual bar work.

He has struggled to get up for his shifts. He needs to be up by 5am to leave at 5.30am for public transport on a weekday for a 7am start. Weekend he starts at 6! Thankfully we have good transport links and he can get there.

Problem is one of us in the house is having to wake him. I don't want to get up at 4.30am on a weekend to get him up.

My sister (has no children) has called me selfish. As when she was asking about the new job I confessed I didn't know how he would manage the 6am starts on a Saturday. She said I need to get up and get him up, it's my duty as his parent!

YABU - help him get up on weekend
YANBU - he is 20 and needs to continue to learn natural consequences

OP posts:
OneFastPinkTraybake · Today 10:38

MadFroggy · Today 10:18

I think you mean circa 1930...!

My mum had me at 19. She wasn't born in 1930

OsfameronTanamoril · Today 10:39

People without children often have unsolicited advice on what mums should do. Mostly transform themselves into slaves.
He can learn to use an alarm

SatinHeart · Today 10:40

Is he using a phone alarm? They are often rubbish. He needs to get a proper clock and put it on the far side of his bedroom.

If you are feeling generous then wake him up each morning until new alarm clock has arrived and he's tried it out, but having someone else wake him can't be the long term plan, that's madness.

OneFastPinkTraybake · Today 10:41

itsmeitsyou · Today 07:21

DS 20 has a new job. It's full time in a factory and I am very happy for him as previous work has been mainly casual bar work.

He has struggled to get up for his shifts. He needs to be up by 5am to leave at 5.30am for public transport on a weekday for a 7am start. Weekend he starts at 6! Thankfully we have good transport links and he can get there.

Problem is one of us in the house is having to wake him. I don't want to get up at 4.30am on a weekend to get him up.

My sister (has no children) has called me selfish. As when she was asking about the new job I confessed I didn't know how he would manage the 6am starts on a Saturday. She said I need to get up and get him up, it's my duty as his parent!

YABU - help him get up on weekend
YANBU - he is 20 and needs to continue to learn natural consequences

The natural consequences will be the sack. Or being disciplined. If that did happen it wouldn't be your fault but those working hours seem awful and personally I get why he's struggling

CrispySquid · Today 10:43

If he gets fired for not turning up to work then I promise not getting up on time would never be a problem for him again. It's weaponised incompetence. Generation of NEETs or NEET-code behaviour. Tell your sister to do one. Time to raise a proper grown up MAN.

ScottBakula · Today 10:44

bababamama · Today 07:50

He’s 20, buy him a proper alarm clock!

He's 20, he can buy his own alarm clock !

@itsmeitsyou
I have always found it hard to get up early , my dh was kind enough to wake me when we 1st got together but he soon got fed up of it and warned me that he is not going to do it anymore

I overslept a few times but got the hang of shifting my arse after awhile.
Your ds needs to get himself organised so his lunch , uniform , keys , bus pass are all ready to go when he gets up and he goes to bed at a sensible time and doesn't stay awake for hrs gaming or doom scrolling, but that's all on him , not you.

Campanulaceae · Today 10:45

Put an alarm clock on the other side of his room so he has to get out of bed to turn it off.

He needs to manage his own time.

x2boys · Today 10:46

OneFastPinkTraybake · Today 10:38

My mum had me at 19. She wasn't born in 1930

Edited

I think the point is that its not been the norm for people to be married with children and a mortgage at 20 for a long time
And yes im sure there will be some exceptions to this.

OneFastPinkTraybake · Today 10:46

itsmeitsyou · Today 08:48

I would make this suggestion only she has a one bed flat so no chance of that.
It was a general conversation about how the kids and she called me selfish for not wanting to get up to get him up on my days off.

She has always been very vocal about how I parent - which annoys me as she is childless

Ah right. So there's more to this than just an alarm clock.

Frenemies · Today 10:46

WhoPaintedMyRosesRed · Today 07:41

It’s not ideal but a little help to ensure your son keeps his job shouldn’t be too much for you. He’s 20 yes, a young adult, but still needs support.

You can go back to bed straight after.

Ridulous. No wonder this 20yo hasn’t managed to get a proper job until now if this is his level of capability.

At 20 I was living away from home as a full time student and had to get myself up at all kinds of mad hours for EMS shifts, like everyone else on my course. I also held down a part time job.

OneFastPinkTraybake · Today 10:47

x2boys · Today 10:46

I think the point is that its not been the norm for people to be married with children and a mortgage at 20 for a long time
And yes im sure there will be some exceptions to this.

I didn't say it was the norm. I'm pretty sure it's not.

MrsJeanLuc · Today 10:49

itsmeitsyou · Today 07:37

He has an alarm he doesn't wake to it all the time.
This is why my attitude is, he needs to learn the consequences. My sister is of the opinion I am being cruel and should support him like he is 12 - she is forgetting at 12 he was capable of getting up and going to school without me getting him.up!

There was a thread a few days ago about getting teenagers up in time for school. The advice was to find a noise the young person HATES and set up a device to play that noise VERY LOUDLY outside the bedroom door (so they HAVE to get out of bed to turn it off). Obviously you do this with the young person's agreement 😁.
Yes it will have the effect of waking the whole house up, but (they said) you only need to do it for a few days to get the young person into the routine.

Alternatively, suggest to your sister that she sets her alarm for 04:30 and rings your son's mobile repeatedly until he gets up - then she can go back to sleep, job done. 😁

OneFastPinkTraybake · Today 10:49

Frenemies · Today 10:46

Ridulous. No wonder this 20yo hasn’t managed to get a proper job until now if this is his level of capability.

At 20 I was living away from home as a full time student and had to get myself up at all kinds of mad hours for EMS shifts, like everyone else on my course. I also held down a part time job.

I think the issue has been that he's been doing later shifts and is now struggling to adjust to earlies.

OneFastPinkTraybake · Today 10:51

Someone could be married at 18 and have quads and be the CEO of a company. It still wouldn't solve someone struggling to get up at 4.30am for a shift

Frenemies · Today 10:53

OneFastPinkTraybake · Today 10:49

I think the issue has been that he's been doing later shifts and is now struggling to adjust to earlies.

Yes, many of us have been in that position. At one point I was on a day/night shift pattern that alternated every 2 weeks. I didn’t need my mummy over to get me out of bed though.

OneFastPinkTraybake · Today 10:54

Frenemies · Today 10:53

Yes, many of us have been in that position. At one point I was on a day/night shift pattern that alternated every 2 weeks. I didn’t need my mummy over to get me out of bed though.

Myself included.

Frenemies · Today 10:56

OneFastPinkTraybake · Today 10:54

Myself included.

Right. Did you need someone to nanny you in the mornings too then or did you just manage by yourself like everyone else?

NotMeNorI · Today 10:56

You should absolutely not be getting him up, OP. Where does it stop - when he's 30? When he moves out (and why would that suddenly make him wake up on time)? When he has a live-in partner and it's their responsibility (poor partner!)?

You shouldn't be arranging your life and getting up at the arse crack of dawn to wake your ADULT son. Honestly, if he's responsible enough to have a job, he can be in charge of his own schedule.

TicTac80 · Today 10:57

I reckon that he'll get into a good routine/his body clock will get sorted soon enough. It probably isn't helping that sunrise is later and later. In our house (even though me and DC 19 and 13 are early risers), we have the Hue lights that are timed to switch on (they do a sort of "sunrise" thing), plus multiple alarms (on phones, Alexas etc!!). This works for us.

I'm a nurse (so shift work is the norm!), but from Y6 primary, my DC had to get themselves up and ready for school (and my eldest for work now) due to me having to leave for work just after 6. I taught the DC to get stuff ready the night before, go to bed at good time etc. In the morning, you're up, washed/dressed, beds made, cats fed, litter scooped, breakfast dishes washed up etc. They would leave house in time with correct uniforms and packed lunches. That seems to have stuck with them. I do still pop my head around their bedroom doors to say hello/goodbye/make sure all ok before I leave. I don't think it's unreasonable to help in short term while he gets body clock back in sync, and gets things like alarms etc sorted. On my days off, I tend to wake early anyway, so it's not a hardship to pop my head around their doors (but they are up anyway).

Logistically though, it seems like an awfully long commute, and depending on public transport can be trying (I remember it well!). How far away is his work from where you live? I know your son can't drive yet but can he get CBT done and kit himself out with a 125 moped (and the safety gear) to get himself to/from work? Or a (UK LEGAL!) ebike? Do you have a safe place to store this sort of thing at home? Is there a safe place at work to lock a motorbike or ebike?

I have a car license but I tend to use my bike (motorbike) or ebike (it's a Tern ebike, completely legal and insured). DS has a 125cc motorbike that he uses for getting himself about: he got his CBT at 17 (and renewed it last month). I paid for his provisional license, his bike gear (I insist on full protective gear for myself and the DC when they are riding or are pillion on motorbikes) and first CBT. And I set him up with a moped to get road experience on and the first year of insurance/MOT/tax. He then spent 6months saving up for his 125cc bike (and pays for it's servicing, insurance, tax etc). He's working towards getting his A1 or A2 license. I've got my bike, DD wants to ride too (but is too young currently). Goes without saying, that DS knows that having a license is a privilege, not a right, and any nonsense (or him sodding about being unsafe or breaking the law) means I'll take his keys and report him myself.

Costs of motorbikes (buying and running costs) are lower compared with cars. £29 for MOT, £20 for tax, £10-20 to fill up. MPG is good. Insurance will be higher when they first start out, but I think still cheaper than car insurance. I bought DS first moped for £700. Boots, trousers and jacket with armour, helmet, gloves, and high vis waterproofs for wet weather/night riding probably £600 tops (but you can shop around). You can buy secondhand for most wearable gear aside from helmet, so that saves some money. At home, we have ground anchors, Sold Secure Diamond rated security chains, locks, bike covers= vf etc.

Of course, there are inherent dangers on the roads with both cycling, motorcycling (and driving cars), but careful/safe riding, being aware of surroundings, wearing protective gear etc is the way to go. I didn't get my car license until my late 20's, so most of my life, I've used cycling as my main transport. We're in a village and transport links aren't TOO BAD....but still a lot quicker/cheaper to use motorbikes or even cycle for our work commutes, compared with the buses.

Sakura7 · Today 10:57

OneFastPinkTraybake · Today 10:49

I think the issue has been that he's been doing later shifts and is now struggling to adjust to earlies.

Again though, he is an adult and he needs to learn to deal with this kind of thing, as many 20 year olds have had to do before him.

The summer before I started college I worked in an airport and had all sorts of shifts. The earliest one started at 6am and the latest finished at midnight. I was 17. I managed to get myself up and get to the bus stop without my mother waking me up.

OsfameronTanamoril · Today 10:59

OneFastPinkTraybake · Today 10:51

Someone could be married at 18 and have quads and be the CEO of a company. It still wouldn't solve someone struggling to get up at 4.30am for a shift

I think the OPs sister can ring him daily if she is so worried.

KnickerlessParsons · Today 10:59

itsmeitsyou · Today 07:27

This is what I have said. I get he is struggling with his body clock as he was doing more evening/late shifts at the pub so hasn't had early starts for a long time.

At 20 he’s in the prime of his life.

OneFastPinkTraybake · Today 11:02

KnickerlessParsons · Today 10:59

At 20 he’s in the prime of his life.

I worked a ridiculous combination of shifts in my 20s and struggled

OneFastPinkTraybake · Today 11:03

OsfameronTanamoril · Today 10:59

I think the OPs sister can ring him daily if she is so worried.

Good for you

OsfameronTanamoril · Today 11:04

OneFastPinkTraybake · Today 11:03

Good for you

I mean, not just me. 92% think OP should not be infantilising her son.