AIBU not to wake my 20-year-old for early shifts?

[itsmeitsyou]

DS 20 has a new job. It's full time in a factory and I am very happy for him as previous work has been mainly casual bar work.

He has struggled to get up for his shifts. He needs to be up by 5am to leave at 5.30am for public transport on a weekday for a 7am start. Weekend he starts at 6! Thankfully we have good transport links and he can get there.

Problem is one of us in the house is having to wake him. I don't want to get up at 4.30am on a weekend to get him up.

My sister (has no children) has called me selfish. As when she was asking about the new job I confessed I didn't know how he would manage the 6am starts on a Saturday. She said I need to get up and get him up, it's my duty as his parent!

YABU - help him get up on weekend
YANBU - he is 20 and needs to continue to learn natural consequences

Show him this clip and remind him he's 20 and not a cartoon character 😊

20 years ago was 2006
I dont remember anyone having a mortgage and married with children at 20
There will have beeen the odd one but it wasent common 50+ years ago maybe

A bit off topic, but how is factory work, with a 5:30 a.m. start on a Saturday, better than bar work? Hospitality experience can be a real advantage when applying for other jobs later on. It can also lead to better-paid roles, including front-desk work in luxury hotels. I can think of very few jobs I’d choose over factory work in this economy.

Yanbu x

Typical man comment is nonsense. My brother has worked in a gym for the last 18 years and manages to do a week of early shifts that involve him leaving the house at 5.30am with no problem

I sympathise with the getting up early, I would find that so hard, but he needs a system that is foolproof without you doing it. So a vibration alarm as a PP suggested, and then a second alarm across the room so he has to get out of bed to turn it off. And I would suggest a small travel type alarm rather than relying on his phone.

I guess it depends on opportunity to progress within the factory and whether he would want that. I agree with hospitality work being good for interview situations too. I’ve heard it used to good effect in dealing with customer issues in a completely different sector.

Becsuse the Op said it was a full time role and the bar work was casual.

Probably more hours but those start times sound drastic. It would be much easier if shifts were rotated. A week of earlies then a week of lates.

It’s not your duty and 20 year olds should be able to get up. In reality, a little bit of help in the early weeks is a kind and supportive thing to do.

i guess you need to decide if you want him to make it to work or end up with no job - which is worse..id prob just wake him for now

He's a full grown man!

Your sister is a shit-stirring, judgemental cow.

It really doesn't matter how many people had kids and mortgages at 20 in the past. You don't need either of those things to be capable of doing basic adult tasks like setting an alarm and getting out of bed to go to your job.

He can put the phone/alarm clock out of reach so that when it goes off he has to get out of bed. Yes it might be a shock to the system at first, yes it will take time to adjust, but that doesn't mean it's his mother's responsibility to ease him in. There are many new scenarios he will have to adjust to himself as an adult, without mummy holding his hand.

This. We are not talking about a 12 year old teenager here who you might need to wake up to go to Secondary School. This is a proper grown adult who has selected a proper full-time job with those early morning hours. He needs to get himself up each morning. He's an adult with adult responsibilities. He's already getting a soft-start/scaffold into adulting by living at home with his parents and all the material, emotional and financial comforts that comes with that arrangement.

He needs to start taking charge of his life by becoming more independent and fulfilling adulthood by taking these absolute bare minimum steps of accountability like setting and waking up to an alarm. No wonder we have a nation full of NEETS. A lot of these kids need to grow up pronto. It's not healthy to keep capitulating to them. It's regressive if anything.

Of course you want to support him. This thread seems to be divided between people for whom that means talking him through what preparations he will need to make, to ensure he will get up on time … and those who take on that responsibility for him.

If he knows, even subconsciously, that you will stop him failing then he will be missing a powerful motivator. It being ‘tough out there’ should be making him more keen to ensure he does whatever is required to keep the job while he wants it.

He might also be reminded that as a member of the household that he should be taking pains to not disturb anyone still sleeping, when he is working these hours.

Let’s hope he is at some point in a relationship. This experience will stand him in good stead if he learns the lessons offered. It would be a mistake for you to rob him of the chance to learn.

My sister (has no children) has called me selfish. As when she was asking about the new job I confessed I didn't know how he would manage the 6am starts on a Saturday. She said I need to get up and get him up, it's my duty as his parent!

She needs to keep her nose out of it. I have no children but if I had I wouldn't be waking up a 20 year old to get him to work.
Tell her to mind her own business and if she's that concerned she can phone him at whatever time in the morning he needs to be up. Every morning. He can have her number as an exemption from his "do not disturb" so her call will come through.

I think you can make suggestions for a better alarm clock - one of the vibrating ones could be good. Perhaps you could agree to wake him up for one week to help him get into a routine. But beyond that, nope, it's up to him.

Aww I totally understand!!
It's so hard for young people to get a job these days and I think when they get a full-time job, it hits them how relentless and tiring it is.

As PPs have suggested, I would maybe make sure he has all the necessary gadgets etc to help him with the early waking transition.

I think the occasional nudge from you is fine is he's overslept...I don't see it as any different from us helping a partner that overslept, or a friend that's got a flat tyre....but he needs to be giving himself the best chance of getting up and out on time.

Hopefully he can soon start to learn to drive and that'll make things a lot easier too!
Or would he be able to do his CBT and get a little moped to commute more easily?

One of my sons gets up at 5 to start at 6 sometimes having not finished work until 1 the previous night, my daughter used to get up and out for a 4am start and my husband never needs any help waking up.
I on the other hand find it really hard, never hear alarms and my husband has often had to wake me up.

I think you mean circa 1930...!

This might be a good suggestion that you can put a cap on his support during this transition phase whilst his body clock adjusts.
Of course he's 20, you don't have to and it's his responsibility but if it's only short and temporary then it might be worth helping him out.
I also say this as someone who did bar work and naturally a night person, no matter how important something is, it can feel almost impossible to get out of bed when your body isn't ready yet.

I'd do it for a max of 4 weeks. He should be used to getting up by then and able to respond to an alarm.
If he can't, he's not suitable for this job.

Oh! I never realised. Thanks so much 🫩

What is wrong with the alarm on his phone, or an alarm clock?

Well your post seemed to suggest that having kids at 20 was the norm