AIBU not to wake my 20-year-old for early shifts?

[itsmeitsyou]

DS 20 has a new job. It's full time in a factory and I am very happy for him as previous work has been mainly casual bar work.

He has struggled to get up for his shifts. He needs to be up by 5am to leave at 5.30am for public transport on a weekday for a 7am start. Weekend he starts at 6! Thankfully we have good transport links and he can get there.

Problem is one of us in the house is having to wake him. I don't want to get up at 4.30am on a weekend to get him up.

My sister (has no children) has called me selfish. As when she was asking about the new job I confessed I didn't know how he would manage the 6am starts on a Saturday. She said I need to get up and get him up, it's my duty as his parent!

YABU - help him get up on weekend
YANBU - he is 20 and needs to continue to learn natural consequences

Well done on your DS on getting a job. It’s a tough market out there at the mo.
I will go against the grain here and say that I would help him with getting up early in the near future until he gets used to 5am get ups. He will get used to it eventually. If he’s been working late shifts in a pub he’s body clock is not set yet for early rises.
It will also show him that you’re proud of him getting that job and that he has your support in keeping it.
However, it can’t be indefinite and I would negotiate a time frame with him, where he has to show you that he is taking steps to get up on his own steam.

I agree with this. Help him for a short time, but agree the length of time in advance! I think it’s kind to help him in those initial first couple weeks to get him off to a good start and then make it clear that he has to manage his time after that. I had a job when I was the same age that required me to get up at 5am and it was pretty brutal (!), I did set an alarm but occasionally my mum had to come in to give me a kick up the backside which I did appreciate!

My Dad is similar age, he left home at 16 lived above his workplace and lost his job for being late. He’s struggled with time management all his life.
I had a toddler and my own home when I was twenty and still slept through alarms. My husband used to have two alarms going off and I never heard either of them, but I would always hear the babies crying and he rarely did.
One of my DC is similar to me and alarms don’t wake him, the other three don’t have a problem with them and are always up and out.

I don’t think it has to be an all or nothing thing. It’s really important he makes a good impression the first month, so I would probably make sure I could hear him moving at 4.30 and if not get up and remind him for the first couple of weeks, I wouldn’t tell him I would be doing that , but act as a sort of fail safe. Hopefully won’t be needed., he’s doing very well to get a job in this market and I’m sure he’ll manage to do the waking up, but I would be a bit of a backup for him the first couple of weeks, by then his body clock will have adapted.

Me too. And I'd already emigrated for the first time.

Imagine my mum being told she'd have to fly to my new country every morning to get me out of bed 😂

OP, maybe your sister can pop over to tap gently on your DS's window and slide breakfast in bed across the sill... Seeing as she seems so certain about this.

I had one as a teen that was one of the old fashioned hammer on the bells type and I left it on the opposite side of the room to my bed!

Thats brutal! 😆

But they do work.

Congratulations to your son for securing the job. How long has he been working there? I can understand both sides. I’ve done early, late and night shifts, and it’s hard to make the adjustment. It takes time for the body clock to adapt. I think you need to reach an agreement with him. You’ll do it for another couple of days and then it’s down to him. And maybe a second alarm clock that’s not next to the bed. And if he’s made any friends there, perhaps a phone call from someone who’s working the same shift as him. (Or maybe Auntie can set her alarm and call him in the morning 😅.) It just takes time and your son sounds like he wants this job and is not just being lazy.

Imo light support for a week.
Tell him from Monday you won't be getting him up anymore.
But have a secret alarm on for 525 for next week to make sure he's ready to leave - he will just have to forfeit a shower or whatever if he's still in bed, soon learn that lesson!
The week after no more support he's an adult.

I see jobs advertised all over the area I live in by various Employment Agencies.
I never said there was anything wrong with working in a factory, so please don't misquote me.
In some areas I have lived in that specialised in food production, factory work was all you can get.

He is an adult. I wouldn’t be getting him up. If he doesn’t wake for his alarm, he’ll be late and have to deal with the consequences as such. Waking him just perpetuates the myth that he isn’t responsible for himself (I’m talking more generally about young adults I suppose). If you don’t get him up on time one day or you are away, for example, he can’t say to his manager ‘oh I’m late because my mum didn’t wake me’ so he does really need to learn to help himself.

If he isn’t waking for his alarm I’d help him come up with ideas to help himself, with the focus on him coming up with solutions to his problem. I would then help him facilitate these ideas such as purchasing a specific alarm or smart speaker etc if I was able to.

I wasent quoting you i was quoting the person who quoted you.

Not everyone has kids at 20.

I used to have to wake my DH up for early turn at 4.30am - he would sleep in the spare room so as not to wake me but his alarm always woke me but not him, he was so exhausted he often slept through it. If I didn't hear him get up (which was what usually happened) I would have to go in and wake him myself, and it was clear he was not properly awake at all. Just needed my help, so I helped.

Maybe you could do it for a few weeks while his body clock adjusts. Get him to understand he need to go to bed earlier. To be honest I get up with my son. Was 4:50 but more recently 5:50. I like the quiet time after he’s gone and a lazy breakfast.

In the OP's case maybe it would help to get a second alarm and put it across the room so he has to get out of bed to turn it off? Or one of those Lumi alarms that fills the room with natural daylight gradually to mimic the dawn? Easier to get up in daylight than in darkness.

I would do it for a few weeks

My Ds often has 5 am starts. He’s absolutely not a morning person, he finds it really difficult. I did find I naturally woke up the first few mornings as I was worried about him being late. He’s managing himself now. I just supported by making sure he set his alarm, now I don’t do that even.

it can be difficult at the beginning to get into a new routine. I would support him in getting the right alarm to make sure he wakes up. Hopefully once he’s in a good routine it will be easier for him.

That’s really good advice I think.

Thought I was a strict parent but apparently not reading some of the replies. I'd do it for a couple of weeks, maybe even 4, so he has a chance for his body clock to adapt. It's a tough job market and he would then have a few weeks experience to offer if he had to look for another job. I'd also most likely offer a loan to get an electric bike so he could get to work faster.

How does he plan to solve this problem? Is he going to bed early enough? Does he have a sibling he could pay to wake him (one who responds to an alarm and could then go back to sleep)? I would want to support him, as you are proud he has got this job, but not take all responsibility for getting him up.

So he sets two or three alarms. B7ys new one that's super loud, buys one that vibrates.
He finds one he cant sleep through

When DD was at uni her boyfriend lived at home. He was a flight away. He had a trip to visit her but missed the flight. His excuse was “my mum didn’t wake me”. I knew because there was no WhatsApp back then and I had to contact her to let her know that he would arrive much later.

I was not impressed. Thankfully she ditched him.

20+ years ago men had wives, children and mortgages at 20. Your son needs to grow up and wake himself up.

Not in my circle of friends. Most of my friends married at 23/24.

Our 18 year old granddaughter gets up at 5am for a 6 o'clock start. No one has ever needed to wake her up.
Your son is going to get up himself. Typical man makes it someone elses problem.
Ignore your sister