To be furious hospital have allowed DS to come home after overdose

[PeachyPixel]

I honestly dont know where to start with this because its been one thing after another with DS and Ive been fighting for support for what feels like forever and getting absolutely nowhere

DS is 14. Yesterday he had a suicide attempt and DP took him to hospital. Hes home now and Im just completely beside myself because it feels like hes been sent back to us as if nothing has happened and were somehow supposed to know what to do next

He has been self harming for quite a while as well. He was referred to CAMHS last year and we had the initial appointment and then basically nothing happened afterwards. School have also made referrals and Ive had meeting after meeting with them. Every time theres another meeting another person saying theyre going to look into something or put something in place and then nothing actually changes. They are now talking about fines because of his attendance which honestly makes me want to scream

Weve been asking for help from everyone I can think of. School GP CAMHS everyone. And I know nobody can magically fix a 14 year old but I genuinely thought there would be something more than us constantly being told to wait or having another meeting

Things have got worse over the last year. We moved house recently and hes been hanging around with some boys who live nearby and smoking weed with them. Hes been smoking it for months. We knew about it but havent been able to stop it. In the summer he was arrested after being found in possession of drugs. They wanted information from him about who had given them to him and he wouldnt tell them. Weve had the police involved school involved CAMHS involved and still somehow ended up here

Ovssd the summer he also ended up in hospital after getting really drunk. Hed taken alcohol from home without us knowing to try and impress the boys. I dont even know what to say anymore because its just one thing after another and weve been saying for ages that something isnt right

A CAMHS worker came to see him in hospital this morning. DP said they asked him to leave so they could speak to DS alone but DS said no so DP stayed. From what hes told me they didnt seem very thorough. They asked DS why he did it and DS just shrugged. Thats basically what happened. I know I wasnt there and maybe Im missing something but it just doesnt feel like enough to me

Now hes home. DP has taken his phone off him because hes worried about what hes looking at and who hes talking to. DS is obviously furious about that and has barely spoken to us. DP thinks we need to keep everything calm and not start throwing questions at him. I know hes probably right but Im so angry and frightened that I dont know how to switch that off

And before anyone says it yes I know the weed the other drugs alcohol school and his friends are all issues. Im not pretending they arent. But Ive been trying to get help for him before any of this got to this point. Thats the bit thats making me so angry. Ive been asking for help and going to meetings and making calls and doing everything Im told to do and now were here anyway

I just dont understand how we can have a child who has self harmed been referred to CAMHS had school referrals been arrested over drugs ended up in hospital drunk and now had a suicide attempt and still be basically left to sort it out ourselves

What am I actually supposed to be asking for here because Im exhausted and DS is back home and Im terrified of getting it wrong again. I keep thinking I should have done more but I dont even know what more I could have done

My eldest took two overdoses and self harmed for years. Both times we just got sent home. I had to keep on and on at CAMHS and get referrals from school and gp separately on numerous occasions to keep pushing them to see her. I wish you luck xx

The only reason he would be kept in hospital is if there was a physical reason to prevent discharge. The work for his MH would be locality long term work, however if he isnt going to say why he did it (and it probably didnt help that he wouldnt see the CAMHS worker on his own), what intervention or support can take place?

This is likely to be termed behavioural by CAMHS. It means there isnt a MH condition that can be diagnosed or treated. CAMHS wont work with children who wont really engage with them.

What would you like to see happening OP? When you use the word support and help, what is it you envisage?

I dont think CAMHS are very likely to prescribe anti depressants (if we assume he is depressed or anxious) but even if they did, it would be counteracted by the drugs and alcohol.

Do you have family abroad he can be sent to live with, or even elsewhere in the country? Many families do this to break the cycle.

By the way, there isnt anything you could have done, you mustnt blame yourself or think necessarily this was preventable.

What was the overdose by the way and did the blood tests confirm it?

Can you afford or even borrow to pay for private therapy?

No theres no family living abroad, were all here

It was paracetamol. And yes the blood tests confirmed it.

Did he confirm he was trying to end his life?

Often young people of this age use an overdose to self harm rather than actually kill themselves. The difference may not sound like a difference but it is in terms of what sort of intervention is needed.

I dont agree with your husband by the way, you both need to help him open up and help you understand what is happening for him. That doesnt mean of course firing questions at him but helping him communicate what the reason was, what he wants, what he thinks.

Can he text it to you, write a letter, do a voice note?

Okay OP. Remove all medication from the house or lock it up in a combination safe. Do not use a code you use anywhere else that Ds might know.

Remove all alcohol.

He needs to have something to do to replace the time he used to spend on his phone/the internet. I think you are right to remove it.

Personally I think you need to do some work on rebuilding a relationship with him. Get outdoors, have a hobby together, give him something that helps you bond and takes up his time. Even if he doesn’t really engage to start with, chip away slowly.

I think you need to stop assuming that anyone else is going to come and help. You might get to the top of the list for referrals eventually but if he won’t engage then your back to square 1. I’ll never forget when I was supporting a family member who self harmed at 14 and the GP sort of shrugged and said it was very common amongst teenagers these days.

Make sure he feels loved by his family spend time with him if you can If he feels his family love him he might feel more motivated If he feels rejected itcould add to his problems

This

Also OP, dont dismiss this next bit out of hand, can you and your husband take emergency leave for a month and go and stay somewhere in the middle of nowhere with him and do tons and tons and tons of activities together?

Have you got other kids?

Your DH is correct about not asking questions.
First practical thing is for you to lock all medicine and sharps away.

Can you take the week off work? Just so you can cook good food, watch films, basic things. Does he let you care for him?

How far did you move house, has he moved school? Just wondering if he had better friends before if he could go back to the old school.

Ok Einstein, tell OP how to stop that?

And no she cant lock him up.

The husband is not correct about this.

One of the biggest problems when this happens is that parents tip toe around in silence emotionally, not wanting to dig or pry or upset or investigate.

You need to be asking about suicidal intent and ideation (two separate things) and finding out more, why, why why.

This leaves a knowledge and attachment gap. The child doesnt need to have questions fired at him, but his parents should be the number one people who understand what is going on for him. Silence and lack of curiosity is not helpful.

When did this all start op? Was it from around the time he started secondary school? Is he neurodivergent? If he's not diagnosed with anything have a look into autism/adhd traits online.

Hi. So sorry to hear this.

Your local authority should have a service for at risk young people. The fact he's taking weed puts him into vehicle category. A lot of it is about preventing yp getting caught up in county lines, which could happen - if you are in England, look at your LA website under children's services or local offer.

Another idea would be for you to do a course in NVR - non violent resistance. Have a look on line to see if there is anything available.

As others have said, does he have any diagnoses, ehc plan? You might want to look at adhd for example.

Good luck x

It sounds as if OP has made approaches and referrals. Services cannot work with children who dont want the intervention, opening up and getting him to explain whats going on, gives them the best chance of getting the most likely approach for him.

Poor him, and poor you. It sounds like a really tough situation all round.

It sounds like he’s using drugs and alcohol to self medicate. I suspect he’s very low and using them to perk himself up. Has he got any symptoms that would suggest ND? Has he had any known trauma or abuse?

I agree with no phones for now. But take a deep breath. He’s literally just got home from hospital, you won’t fix this overnight, nor can any other service. It takes time and willingness to get better, perhaps he’s not there yet. Perhaps he doesn’t feel able to disclose what’s really the root cause of this. Perhaps he doesn’t know.

Breathe. Give him time off school for now, forget the fines and call in sick for him. Take time off work - he needs you.

Watch films together. Ask him to come food shopping with you. Maybe start exploring new places together, even if it’s just a 20 mins drive to a new cafe, park, whatever. Fresh air, no pressure.

Does he like sports and being physical? Music? Arts? What’s his interests?

He needs you, even if he’s continuing to push you away. He’s hurting and I’m sure knowing you’re there will help eventually.

Can you afford counselling for him? Or coaching with an inspirational man? A role model?

Mental health service in his country are so bad.

my sibling tried to kill themselves, they were in a coma for 3 weeks, woke and spoke to the hospital mental health team who discharged him after a couple of days and they were then sent home for the community mental health team to support who were just useless.

surely the seriousness of his attempt should have had him sectioned to be able to help more, I’ll never understand it.

im hoping your teenager is better supported.

If you've got proper resources that advise your suggested intense questioning could you share them for the OP?

The question 'why?' is often utterly impossible for distressed people to answer and 'why, why, why' sounds a lot of pressure.

Parents can talk about what happened without intense questions.

But if you have resources I will of course defer.

The service for at risk yp is very niche and might not have been considered if services don't know the full extent of what he's doing.

NVR is purely for the parents.

Diagnoses/ehc plans are again for the parents to action if not in place.

But if we are looking at getting him to "open up" I would try equine therspy. My daughter had various types of therapy over the years and the equine stuff was the least obviously therapy but was profoundly life changing after only a few sessions.

There is no help. It’s really awful. My DC1 is autistic and at 8 years old on the way home from school ran straight into oncoming traffic and lay down because they wanted to be dead so all the noise that would bother them would stop.
We had many things like that happen. There were endless referrals made, and lots of admin for me to do, phone meetings. No help came in any real sense.

Oh God love him, the poor little lad.
I’m so sorry you’ve such a difficult path; this is not how a civilised society is supposed to operate.

This is very, very common. It’s terrifying when it’s your child, and I’m sorry you’re going through this, but what do you think the NHS can do when there will be thousands of children in your area presenting with similar issues? There is not the infrastructure or funding to admit or provide mental health services for every child in need, the system is broken. The article below shows the sheer scale of the problem. My advice would be to private and see a clinical psychologist if you possibly can to avoid waiting lists and get help quickly.

https://www.bma.org.uk/advice-and-support/nhs-delivery-and-workforce/pressures/children-and-young-people-s-mental-health-services-in-england

We have had suicidal talk for over a yr. Now age 14.

CAMHs really need ‘sacking’. It just isnt working. They dont do anything. They dont even attempt to do anything.
Dc was suicidal referred and school were very concerned and SH and they would not accept! I mean wtf. My dc did want to see them /councilling etc. but no. Even school councilling has been over a year and nothing.

Op could he have sen, perhaps adhd as weed/alcohol but ALSO depression.

We’re on adhd meds and that maybe helping.

Has he had bloods done as some deficiencies can affect MH eg iron etc.?

Hope you are all ok OP.

When my son did the same at the same age, they sent him home too. Bar a box ticking exercise of being spoken to by CAMHS/psychiatrist before he left, he was sent home with nothing, no prescription no leaflets no referrals and no plan.

We had to be the plan, and ive said it before I aged 10 years physically. Constant badgering of the MH services, involving local politicians to use their influence. Scraping money together for private apps and then he wouldn't go. Researching and reading and calling and joining support groups for anything that would get through to him.

Short term: remove anything dangerous, we locked up knives etc.
Dont tip toe around this. We went in and out of him room, brought tea or snacks, talking about how they were physically feeling.

I used to get him to go for a walk around midnight just to get him out of the house and regulate him. Sit on the end of the bed and talk, whatever topic it doesnt matter.

Set up appts, gp, counselling mental health services, whatever you can find.

Long term: find out what draws him to these kids

It can get better, mine regulated about 17, he is now in 3rd year of college and living a good life but it was a long road to get there.