To be furious hospital have allowed DS to come home after overdose

[PeachyPixel]

I honestly dont know where to start with this because its been one thing after another with DS and Ive been fighting for support for what feels like forever and getting absolutely nowhere

DS is 14. Yesterday he had a suicide attempt and DP took him to hospital. Hes home now and Im just completely beside myself because it feels like hes been sent back to us as if nothing has happened and were somehow supposed to know what to do next

He has been self harming for quite a while as well. He was referred to CAMHS last year and we had the initial appointment and then basically nothing happened afterwards. School have also made referrals and Ive had meeting after meeting with them. Every time theres another meeting another person saying theyre going to look into something or put something in place and then nothing actually changes. They are now talking about fines because of his attendance which honestly makes me want to scream

Weve been asking for help from everyone I can think of. School GP CAMHS everyone. And I know nobody can magically fix a 14 year old but I genuinely thought there would be something more than us constantly being told to wait or having another meeting

Things have got worse over the last year. We moved house recently and hes been hanging around with some boys who live nearby and smoking weed with them. Hes been smoking it for months. We knew about it but havent been able to stop it. In the summer he was arrested after being found in possession of drugs. They wanted information from him about who had given them to him and he wouldnt tell them. Weve had the police involved school involved CAMHS involved and still somehow ended up here

Ovssd the summer he also ended up in hospital after getting really drunk. Hed taken alcohol from home without us knowing to try and impress the boys. I dont even know what to say anymore because its just one thing after another and weve been saying for ages that something isnt right

A CAMHS worker came to see him in hospital this morning. DP said they asked him to leave so they could speak to DS alone but DS said no so DP stayed. From what hes told me they didnt seem very thorough. They asked DS why he did it and DS just shrugged. Thats basically what happened. I know I wasnt there and maybe Im missing something but it just doesnt feel like enough to me

Now hes home. DP has taken his phone off him because hes worried about what hes looking at and who hes talking to. DS is obviously furious about that and has barely spoken to us. DP thinks we need to keep everything calm and not start throwing questions at him. I know hes probably right but Im so angry and frightened that I dont know how to switch that off

And before anyone says it yes I know the weed the other drugs alcohol school and his friends are all issues. Im not pretending they arent. But Ive been trying to get help for him before any of this got to this point. Thats the bit thats making me so angry. Ive been asking for help and going to meetings and making calls and doing everything Im told to do and now were here anyway

I just dont understand how we can have a child who has self harmed been referred to CAMHS had school referrals been arrested over drugs ended up in hospital drunk and now had a suicide attempt and still be basically left to sort it out ourselves

What am I actually supposed to be asking for here because Im exhausted and DS is back home and Im terrified of getting it wrong again. I keep thinking I should have done more but I dont even know what more I could have done

Seriously you have no idea🙄

Dear OP sending so much love to you and your family ❤️❤️❤️
My sister was very similar to your son at the same age and she is now 27, living in London, settled in a job, with a nice boyfriend and apart from a tendency towards low mood which she now knows how to manage, she has come out the other side unscathed. Don't give up hope!

My mother retired early to support her, but that was fortunate that she was able to and not many families have that option, but a poster above suggested taking a month and going away somewhere to disconnect externally and reconnect as a family and if you could swing something like that, it might be really good for all of you.

The weed smoking and his choice of friends are not ideal, but his internal life is far more dangerous to him at the moment so I don't blame you at all for wanting to tackle one thing at a time.

Are you and your DP able to do things for yourself too? A hobby or friends that you can maintain during this awful time. We're always told you can't pour from an empty cup, and you also can't help someone regulate if your own system is completely shot with stress and worry. Helping yourself is also helping your son, so as impossible as it surely feels, let him see you living life outside of him and around him as well as all the love and care you are providing.
No one wants to feel like a burden or a problem and as impossible as teens can be, they still love and value their parents and want their parents to be healthy, happy individuals.
Show him that life goes on and that ups and downs don't have to define every moment by letting yourself have some space for your interests too.
My mother used to have "sewing Sunday". No matter how shitty Lucy felt, on a Sunday for three hours, unless the house was on fire, no one could bother mum. It helped keep the perspective that she was a person, not just a carer and emotional punching bag!

Good luck OP. ❤️

Oh god read what Ive said properly. I did not say intense and Im not suggesting for one minute a parent would say 'why why why' to the patient, Im using that term to the OP to emphasise this is the curiosity needed.

I honestly wouldn't wait for CAMHS, My experience of them through work has been shocked at how shit they are. To be honest, you are mainly on your own. You are the solution, I think you need to get as much money together as you can and get him private talking therapy.

MH services are only going to detain someone in hospital if they feel there is a current & significant risk of completed suicide. It may be that they've been completely negligent but perhaps also worth looking up parasuicide, emotionally unstable personality incase it resonates

That’s laughable .Not all children can open up! It’s their job to work out why he did it and to help him articulate what’s wrong.That is what they’re paid for.

MH services are not fit for purpose as highlighted by the head of the independent review into MH. Do not start blaming the very people the broken system are letting down.

I wounder if they didn't keep him in because there wasn't a physical medical need. Ds took 91 tablets and had to stay in for 2 nights.

My ds had been in the waiting list dir a really long time. We were just fobbed off all the time. It was only after the over dose thats they suddenly wanted to see him. And professionals making contact showing concern. Basically it took that to happen before they took notice.

Ds refused school it was impossible to get him in. School was awful no support ect. I was advised deregister him . That took alot of pressure off.

Does ds have the details for kooth it's a counselling service for young people. Theres also childline and the samaritans. Theres also young minds .and there seems to be several sites that can help with the drugs and drink.

I hope your ds can get help very soon 💐

Oh not EUPD for goodness sake,that is being banded about constantly- normally when professionals can’t be bothered to work out properly what’s wrong.

Well I do because this is what we do at work.

We went through this for about a year with my daughter at a similiar age. In and out of hospital, constant self-harm, suicide attempts etc. It's so so hard and i was desperate. It was an awful time. However, it did finally come to an end, we de-registered her from school, got everyone off our backs, focused on allowing her to be happy and safe, started horse riding...and before we knew it it had been a year since anything like that had happened. She is 18 now and very happy, and works with horses and is a very independent sensible young person. I know how desperate you feel. There are not any easy answers at all. But connection. Finding an interest, hobby etc, taking the pressure off school wise if needed etc. I hope everything works out for you all xx

Then you should know that for many parents talking about suicidal thoughts to suicidal, withdrawn young people is often nigh on impossible.

Sorry if Ive missed any questions or posts Ive been trying to keep up with everything and my heads all over the place.

DS has ADHD and has been diagnosed since he was 6. Hes not on medication now because he said it made him feel sick and wouldnt take it anymore. Hes also dyslexic.

I honestly have no idea what happened with him really. Thats the thing thats so hard. He stopped seeing his dad last year by his own choice. He just didnt want to go anymore said it was boring etc and because he was 13 we didnt push it. Maybe we should have I dont know but we didnt want to force him.

School rang me last year about the self harm and thats when he told us hed been doing it for a while / a year. When asked why and he just said he didnt know. He wouldnt really talk about it at all.

Then the school refusal started and its been a massive battle trying to get him in. Since September hes been in maybe one or 2 days. Ive had meeting after meeting about it and now theyre talking about fines which honestly just makes me feel sick because Ive been trying to get him into school the whole time.

My brother also took his own life 2 weeks ago. They werent close at all though and DS hadnt seen him for years. My brother had distanced himself from the family for his own reasons. DS doesnt know how he died either so I dont know what to think about that and I dont think its linked but obviously its in the back of my mind.

We didnt move far either its about 30 mins away and hes still at the same school. He was new to that school though as he moved there in the middle of year 8. He does have friends there and had a girlfriend but they broke up in the summer and DS was the one who ended it. There was some drama in the friendship group but I thought that had all calmed down now. I dont really know though because he doesnt seem to see those friends anymore. They also dont seem like the sort of kids who smoke weed and do the stuff DS has been doing so maybe theyve distanced themselves from him or maybe he has from them. I honestly dont know.

And no of course we dont allow him to smoke weed. Im getting a bit defensive about that because people seem to think were just letting him wander around doing whatever he wants. How exactly am I meant to physically stop a 14 year old who leaves the house and meets boys nearby? Weve taken things off him and tried consequences and talked to him and contacted school and police have been involved. Its not like Ive been sitting here saying its fine.

Weve got DS7 as well and Im trying to keep things as normal as possible for him because hes only 7.

Please do everything you can to keep him out of hospital. They are not safe places for young people & do not help with recovery. They just secure holding spaces that break young people further.

Push & push for CAMHS support, call 999 as often as needed, remortgage to fund private support but do everything you can to avoid admission.

I think your posts are unnecessarily aggressive on a thread of such sensitivity. They are also a bit cryptic.

Perhaps try explaining calmly and clearly, maybe with some resources, to help rather than confuse.

I'm so sorry. My ds2 took an overdose when he was 12. He was treated for his physical symptoms, then had an assessment similar to your son's and then sent home.

I’d email PALS ccing CAMHs and your MP
listing his risks( self harm, impulsivity from ADHD, recent suicide in the family, drugs and a recent overdose). Ask who will be taking responsibility for giving him zero MH support or treatment .

Sometimes EUPD is what's wrong & that can open up opportunities for the right support. It's every bit as 'real' as other mental illness. It also has one of the highest suicide rates of any mental illness.

Therapies like DBT have shown to work well & the earlier the better.

You can't actually diagnose a 14 year old with EUPD but the symptoms & behaviours can be helped & supported. You don't need to keep looking for 'properly what's wrong' - unstable & intense emotions & impulses, suicidal feelings & trauma all need support in their own right.

Sorry you have been through this but my DD did this 5 or 6 times with similar results. No follow up from CAMHS and discharges within 24-36hours. It doesn’t get any better, I’m afraid.

EUPD is a lazy and damaging diagnosis for what is often trauma and ND. So many mis diagnosed young people .

I have no advice but we are going through this with our DS so I totally get where you're coming from. It's shocking the lack of support for the kids but equally shocking is not once did anyone offer us any support. As if we should just figure it out as parents.
We've ended up going private for support as CAHMS were useless.

Well it isnt impossible, its that people give the wrong advice which is 'dont ask about it, dont talk about it'. Thats the wrong approach, suicide prevention or self harm management is about finding out as much as you can about it. Helping professionals and carers manage safe self harm rather than prevent it completely is also helpful.

Changed name for this.

My 16 year old DS did the same thing two days ago. We saw crisis team and were sent on our merry way despite me saying I cannot keep him safe and DS admitting he may try again.

DS is also autistic. Very socially isolated. We too have tried everything. Been back and forth over the years to CAMHs etc now been rereferred.

Ultimately though I'm not expecting much support because realistically what can they do? I have accepted the fact I cannot provide 24/7 surveillance and have informed them of such - nor do I expect them to be able to provide such a service without sectioning. DS is always reluctant to engage with services because "what is the point? I just want to die."

I don't have the answers, I don't know anyone who does. I just wanted you to know you're not alone and that someone else out there is also going through and feeling as fucking helpless and exhausted with it all too. It fucking sucks.💐

Ps also my DS is ASD. There's a link with neuro diversity and suicide. It's not necessarily depression which CAHMS couldn't get their head around.

It’s a completely reactionary service which lets kids have multiple suicide attempts, building trauma on trauma until they then need to be treated by specialist care which isn’t there so eventually they end up in inpatient. It’s a national disgrace.

No advice. Just wanted to say I’m thinking of you all in what must be very difficult circumstances. Xx