AIBU to think this reaction from a friend is bonkers? (and also insensitive)

[ChasingMars]

Backstory, I have a close friend, let's call her Abbie Scott for ease. We exchange WhatsApps daily, general chatter, have a great day etc. DH also kniws her well, they got on brilliantly, to the extent we are all planning a big holiday together next year.

Saturday morning DH has my phone as he's using it to post stuff on Vinted. Message comes through from Abbie, good morning, happy weekend etc. DH replies with 'good morning Scottseroonie' or similar daft appropriation of her surname.

I follow up with 'sorry that was DH' laughing faces and then a typical reply and mention that today is rough as I'm taking the youngest to uni. We have talked about this at length over the last few months and she knows I have been really struggling with the idea of an empty nest and has expressed sympathy.

I don't get a reply for 6 hours, a reply then comes through just as I have got in the car after dropping DS off, so accept I was pretty emotional, but I was genuinely stunned by this reaction...

'Not funny. Please do not use my surname in this way. It landed badly ChasingMars'

A few minutes later another message saying..

'I hope DS got there ok and settling in'.

Which felt like an afterthought.

I replied with an apology and said DS was fine but I was struggling.

No replyintil the following day when she sent 'I hope today is a better day for you'.

AIBU to think this is both a bizarre reaction and completely insensitive timing??? And that I should expect better from a really close friend when I'm going through something really tough for me?

It was just a message asking you not to do it. I think you're sensitive right now and overthinking it.

She's overreacting to the name joke, unless it was ruder than you say. If your husband kept saying it knowing she didn't like it, he'd be wrong, but as long as he doesn't now she's made it clear, then it's not a big issue.
About your kid, she maybe feels you're lucky to have a kid starting uni and that she's sympathised enough-has she maybe lost children? Or had children who have failed/dropped out of college, and she feels you've got the ideal situation and don't appreciate it? You never know what's going on in people's lives, but from what you've said, maybe she is vey upset about something more serious than the joke name.

no one is "gaslighting" you. Have you made a bet to appear as offended as possible?😂

Friend just mention to the OP that she found a comment hurtful and you go with

I sense that your very happy and jovial marriage and family grates on Abbie, OP. and that's just the first sentence of your post.

If you can't see how much of a ridiculous over-reaction that is, I can't help you 😂

This is exactly what I meant about the ego-centredness!

And what you call a telling off others would call a politely phrased boundary setting.

Ah gotcha, I only saw it because it was right above my previous reply.

Has this friend sucked all the air out of the room and tried to centre herself before when she knows you’ve been upset and in need of a bit of support?

She hasn't done that now either.

Well her answer was certainly very direct, but frankly given that your husband texted her and didn't tell her it was him, in her shoes I'd be really quite upset about that. Also, people can be sensitive about names.

The timing, on the day your youngest goes to uni, is irrelevant. If you don't want a direct reply to someone texting your friend from your phone that isn't you without warning, then don't do it on a day when you're feeling vulnerable.

But essentially - talk to your friend! If you can't talk about this rubbing point in a civilized way and say what's bothering you, it's a very unresilient friendship.

Two different unconnected issues going on here.

1 Your DH responding the way he did. The real issue.
2.Your empty nest upset. A side issue.

She said she didn’t like the name he used for her. Not unreasonable.
You quickly apologised on his behalf. Very reasonable of you. End of issue.

But you are overthinking it and taking offence which is where YABU.
There is nothing more to say OP. She said her piece and moved on and you apologised. That’s it. You just move on back to normal too.

Make the most of your empty nest while you can….
They might, all four, be living at home again soon!

This.

None of what you have written makes any sense.

I guess what you are alluding to is the timing shouldn't matter and the OP is making it all about her.

I disagree.

It’s actually weird that your dh replied to your messages like a 12 year old. She probably felt he was taking the piss out of her, especially as he chose to use a stupid nickname into the bargain.
Maybe tell him to grow up and not do it again?

Tbh I think your apology might have come across as making things worse, given it had laughing emojis.

I had to re-read it a few times because I was like WTF?!

The ego centredness comes from imagining that other people have centred your life, its timings and your emotions, even when you are moving through a normal life stage that you have raised your children for, that your good mates cannot do something as simple as a politely worded message saying ' I didn't like being called that, don't do it again , thanks' even when directed at the husband, not even op, and followed up with a friendly message asking how OP is. And then furthering the ego centred paranoia by intimating that the friend has deliberately timed this hideous deed to cause maximum pain.

All of this is egocentred madness.

If you can't see that then there's no helping you. Imagine a universe you are not at the centre of, because other people are living there.

I know right! And that poster is still trying to argue she is being reasonable and not at all bonkers.

Yes and easily identifiable online.

She sounds like a psycho and I would not want to go on holiday with her tbf.

She needs to grow up, mentaliy. 🙄

This.

It probably triggered her. I know if anybody uses a silly nickname for me that I used to hear in my youth, I almost experience a flashback. Weird but true.

Exactly!

Ok so I reflected on the replies, realised I could've done better and sent this :

'I wanted to apologise again for the upset we caused using a daft nickname. It's an affectionate thing for DH that he tends to do with everyone and neither he or I knew this would be triggering. I've obviously been quite unreasonably emotional this weekend and ruminating on this. It also isn't the norm for DH to have my phone and see messages,- he was posting items we need to sell on Vinted from my account, I wouldn't want you to think he would be reading messages between us, we don't operate like this and never will.

Anyway lesson learned and hope we can move on ok x'

This was the response:

'I need some time also ChasingMars. It had a signifiant impact which I need time to process and clarify for myself why it has proved so deeply unsettling. '

To clarify, the nickname I quoted was EXACTLY what was sent, just the suffix changed for privacy. No play on words no rude rhyming slang.

To those suggesting I have no life or perspective because I am feeling really sad to have an empty house after 26 years, firstly, we are a big noisy happy family so yes the quietness and empty house is very tough. As for the posters suggesting I must never have had many problems...well I don't know where yo start with this rather sweeping assumption...

Sorry - she did not reply to DH at all, she replied to me 6 hours later after I sent the apology which I appreciate may not have come across as genuine. I then immediately apologised again at that point. I have now apologised third time

Crikey, she's being very hard work and seems to be enjoying it.