AIBU to think this reaction from a friend is bonkers? (and also insensitive)

[ChasingMars]

Backstory, I have a close friend, let's call her Abbie Scott for ease. We exchange WhatsApps daily, general chatter, have a great day etc. DH also kniws her well, they got on brilliantly, to the extent we are all planning a big holiday together next year.

Saturday morning DH has my phone as he's using it to post stuff on Vinted. Message comes through from Abbie, good morning, happy weekend etc. DH replies with 'good morning Scottseroonie' or similar daft appropriation of her surname.

I follow up with 'sorry that was DH' laughing faces and then a typical reply and mention that today is rough as I'm taking the youngest to uni. We have talked about this at length over the last few months and she knows I have been really struggling with the idea of an empty nest and has expressed sympathy.

I don't get a reply for 6 hours, a reply then comes through just as I have got in the car after dropping DS off, so accept I was pretty emotional, but I was genuinely stunned by this reaction...

'Not funny. Please do not use my surname in this way. It landed badly ChasingMars'

A few minutes later another message saying..

'I hope DS got there ok and settling in'.

Which felt like an afterthought.

I replied with an apology and said DS was fine but I was struggling.

No replyintil the following day when she sent 'I hope today is a better day for you'.

AIBU to think this is both a bizarre reaction and completely insensitive timing??? And that I should expect better from a really close friend when I'm going through something really tough for me?

Againn, fair, but again this was a one off, he does not usually have mh phone and again, I have explained and apologised and I don't think there is much more,I can do

Shes bonkers
Dont apologise again.

No, she's white British and as far as I know not in the least bit sensitive about her name

You are both as bad as each other really but stop apologising

People messaging you are not expecting it to be seen by someone else. She probably hated that

Would you say that you're normally the one supporting her through situations or the other way round? Or equally?

"Friend - yes of course, take your time, and if ever you want to talk it through or share further about your upset, I'm here. Until then am wishing you well". Don't feed into the drama cycle. Give her the space she's said she needs.

Nothing, let her be.

You've apologized so if she wants to continue being upset and difficult that's on her.

While I understand not liking her message being read by your DH her reactions is way OTT especially given she is close to your husband in the first place. You've apologized 3 times so leave her alone and if she comes around fine if not... Well so be it.

Hmm interesting. She can be supportive but whenever I have an issue I often get a response of 'I too am struggling..'

I checked in on her every day this week because she had had an incident on public transport where she had a coughing fit and was really upset other passengers didn't ask how she was (staff did, and provided assistance throughout her journey, which made her even more tearful). I'm beginning to think that was a bit dramatic now

She’s making a right meal of “it” whatever “it” is 🤷🏼‍♀️
Stop apologising- I think she’s actually enjoying you metaphorically “tugging your forelock and walking backwards muttering apologies”
She’s being totally ridiculous.
If she won’t even speak to you about it leave her to it and sack off any idea of going on holiday with her. She’ll be a nightmare 🥴

Honestly, the more you say, the more I think that this is about you asking for support with your youngest going to university. Your text "faux pas" has allowed her to stop being the support-er and get you to grovel and give her the attention she is used to in your relationship.

@ChasingMars "I have apologised. 3 times now and I'm being told it is deeply unsettling and she needs time"

She sounds bloody daft and hard work. I would not have sent the epic apology that you sent and quite frankly I'd reconsider this birthday holiday or whatever it is.

Please dont go on holiday with this person, talk about drama llama. Thank your lucky stars you haven't booked anything.

She sounds exhausting and dramatic. Just leave it now. She is enjoying making you grovel.

@ChasingMars - I see that you have apologised on your dh’s behalf - but I do think that he should apologise for himself.

Are you joking. Omg. I don’t know how you’ve managed to be friends this long! She sounds crazy.

Id take this opportunity to run and stop talking to her.

And why would you need to check in on her every day about that? Usually checking in every day is if someone has died or incredibly ill!

My friend's boyfriend does this - he sometimes has her phone and replies to my messages with "jokey" ones of his own. I find it pretty fucking insulting to be honest - that she would allow him access to my personal messages to her, and that he thinks it's appropriate to reply to personal stuff with hie "jokes'.

I am not as assertive as your friend, so I haven't told her this, but to be honest I wish I had - it really fucks me off that they do this. It makes me feel like neither of them take me seriously.

I think you have to accept that your friend is being pretty forgiving by being willing to move on from this - and pleasr tell your husband to never do this again!

Your final 'apology" text is a bit of an insult too - there is a lot of special pleading in it. Obviously you have the right to be upset that your son is going to university, but actually it's a sign of how massively lucky you are - four kids, all successful enough to go to university - and you can afford to do enable this - you don't really have the right to act like it's something kind of appalling tragedy you are going through .....

I don't mean to be unkind. But if you want the friendship to survive, you need to be a lot more understanding! Good luck. X

The stark nature of thd message and the timing really upset me.

And you don't think that the teasing about her name really upset her? YABU.

I think once you have apologised 3 times and she is still talking about needing time to process rather than accepting it, you can officially consider her hard work. I would give her as much time as she needs... 😉

Clearly the holiday is now a non-starter. you should tell her that sooner rather than later. Whether the friendship survives her batshittery, I think time will tell.

Drop it now - she’s making a mountain out of a molehill. I’d be very wary with her in future.

Adding a benign suffix to someone's surname is not teasing, don't be so silly.

She didn't like it and she told you

That's ok isn't it?

She could be having a bad day or wanted to speak to you but then felt weird

Of course. But I do find it odd that after apologising 3 times she is still saying she needs space and this has deeply unsettled her. I cannot imagine anyone else I know reacting like this, I do appreciate everyone is different

Her reaction is really extreme @ChasingMars and she sounds exhausting.

You’ve apologised sincerely. Leave her with it, it’s on her to explain why she has reacted so strongly.

If she was traumatized by the coughing on a bus incident she does sound a bit melodramatic OP. You can’t keep apologizing, I’d just leave the ball in her court now.