AIBU to think this reaction from a friend is bonkers? (and also insensitive)

[ChasingMars]

Backstory, I have a close friend, let's call her Abbie Scott for ease. We exchange WhatsApps daily, general chatter, have a great day etc. DH also kniws her well, they got on brilliantly, to the extent we are all planning a big holiday together next year.

Saturday morning DH has my phone as he's using it to post stuff on Vinted. Message comes through from Abbie, good morning, happy weekend etc. DH replies with 'good morning Scottseroonie' or similar daft appropriation of her surname.

I follow up with 'sorry that was DH' laughing faces and then a typical reply and mention that today is rough as I'm taking the youngest to uni. We have talked about this at length over the last few months and she knows I have been really struggling with the idea of an empty nest and has expressed sympathy.

I don't get a reply for 6 hours, a reply then comes through just as I have got in the car after dropping DS off, so accept I was pretty emotional, but I was genuinely stunned by this reaction...

'Not funny. Please do not use my surname in this way. It landed badly ChasingMars'

A few minutes later another message saying..

'I hope DS got there ok and settling in'.

Which felt like an afterthought.

I replied with an apology and said DS was fine but I was struggling.

No replyintil the following day when she sent 'I hope today is a better day for you'.

AIBU to think this is both a bizarre reaction and completely insensitive timing??? And that I should expect better from a really close friend when I'm going through something really tough for me?

I think she overreacted. You’ve apologised, 3 times I may add! Just leave her to it.

Just give her time then

I’d hazard a guess that you are both rather sensitive people and in general that is why you get on - many people would have no patience with either of you - her, for instance, for insisting on not being telephoned; you for thinking everyone must moderate their behaviour around you because your son has gone to university that day.

this time you have a clash as you are both the most sensitive person in the village instead of taking turns as I assume you often do.

I think your husband sounds really annoying btw. Reading your messages and replying “as you” with a nickname that mangles someone’s real name - that’s a bundle of high high handedness that would rub me up the wrong way. I’d also object to your message saying he doesn’t read your messages and never will - he literally just did. How is that some magical exception? What warning did she have that it might happen, or assurance does she actually have about when the next time will be? In her shoes I’d prefer “I’ll ask him not to, sorry that happened” to a factual untruth that “we don’t work like that” .

What a weird over reaction from her.

I wouldn't like it at all if I messaged a friend on their own phone and their DH replied. I'd be v unhappy to think he's had access to my previous messages and may have read them

I wonder if she's really more upset about that. Sometimes an argument about A is actually about issue B

Sorry but I think your friend is definitely being OTT. I couldn’t get on board with a friend like this who created so much drama and angst over something and nothing. Where is the support for you, who is genuinely going through something very impactful?? I would be giving her a very wide berth.

And as I said, I get this, he shouldn't have done it but he had my phone posting stuff on Vinted, message popped up, he obviously posted back without thinking hiw it might ve construed. And I've apologised for that.

The thing is. you (understandably!) haven’t divulged what the name and nickname was. It may be, if you did, it would become suddenly clear - if very outing - to someone what the issue is.

I can understand why people may think I am being a bit self indulgent being so upset about the empty nest and feeling she should support me rather than overfocusing on the name issue. I have supported her emotionally snd practically through a house move, medical issues etc - I know friendships are not transactional and you don't give to receive but it does feel a little bit of a slap in the face when I've confided in her a lot about how tough I'm finding it

Having read your updates, I've concluded she is a bit batshit and a drama queen.
Stop apologising - you are feeding the beast.
No way would I go on holiday with her. You've seen the real her now, and the reason she seems to fall out with family and friends.
Imagine being on holiday and her having a tantrum...

I posted it as Scotseroonie. I was literally this but with Scott replaced with another common surname. It did not make the nickname rude, offensive or malicious

Unfortunately I am thinking said holiday would be hard work. Fortunately not booked and paid for yet

She is a massive drama queen, no one in their right mind would take such massive offence at that. Bin her off

I agree with this. Don’t message again.
Her response was OTT and maybe you’ll never find out exactly why.
YANBU it’s bonkers.

Blimey at first I thought you were the drama llama, but time to process is bonkers

Yes, she’s bonkers. You haven’t done anything wrong, you’ve apologised and explained enough, and she won’t even tell you what her problem is. Forget all the side topics about empty nest and message privacy and so on. Leave her to it. If she does get over it, keep her at arm’s length. “Deeply unsettling” ffs!

She’s being ridiculous. I don’t know how you put up with this she sounds exhausting. Deeply upsetting? Get real. Over her surname!
No wonder she falls out with people. Shes the common denominator.

Yes, but sometimes, an apology doesn't undo the damage caused

This is on the money

Christ, she sounds exhausting.

Agreed. But for his actions this would not have happened

Yeah this! I’d hate to think my messages to friends were being read by their partners. Even if we were very good friends - it’s just a different relationship.

My phone is mine, DH is his, and ne’er the two shall meet!

I would be very unsettled to receive a message from a friends number, only to later find out it was her partner/husband. I wouldn’t feel I could trust anything to be private again frankly.

She is totally overreacting and being unreasonable and sounds as if she wants attention.

You apologising 3 times is unreasonable. She needs to get a grip and you need to let her get on with it

Fair enough, but what else would you suggest?????

Is she from a culture where names carry a lot of meaning? If not then yes - it seems odd.