AIBU to tell him to buy his own food

[BugOnARugDrinkingTeaFromAMug]

Me and DH have set a household budget as follows;

All household expenses including food are paid from the joint account. We totalled them up, set a budget including a buffer and then split it 60:40 with me paying 60 him paying 40, this was my suggestion as I earnore than he does.

I pay all child related expenses for my son, school dinners, bus fares, clubs, allowance, clothes, presents etc from my personal account because the children are mine from a previous marriage.

DD is 18 and buys all her own stuff and expenses and contributed £100 a month to food which goes into the joint account.

I have another DS who is away at uni and I pay anything for him out of my personal account.

Anyway all that to say, he is not subsidising my kids.

We set a food budget of £150 a week, if it the shopping goes over this then I transfer the extra from my personal account to the joint account. When DS was home over summer for example I was putting extra in every week which is fine. His GF also stayed for a week and I bout extra treats etc and feeding six People so it did go quite over but it didn't cost DH anything at all.

So this morning I am going to do the food shop since he is at work and he has just given me a lecture about not buying shite, trying to get under budget. Saying how when he went last week he only spent £120 (I was away with work for 3 days so he had less to feed) .

Would I be unreasonable to tell him to do his own shopping if he is that bothered!! It literally doesn't cost him a penny extra regardless of what I buy!!

(We are very comfortable financially so not like he is worried about money, take home between us of 6k and total bills including food less than 2k)

What’s the living situation? Did he move into your home or did you buy this home together?

I couldn’t live like this and I couldn’t fancy a man who went moaning through every penny I spent of my own money that I earned myself and decided to spend on the family food shop. Please op stop putting up with shit like this for a quiet life - it will wear you down eventually.

I’m interested in presumably a second marriage where you married but lived separately for a long time - that is unusual and I imagine a lot of cracks were easier to paper over because of that.

I will spend what I like on the kids and he will contribute a set amount between £50 - £100 per child. We have always done it that way during our marriage and always will. I don't want to be to be told what I can and can't spend.

We bought this home together. We have been married for three years but loved separately because I had a dog and he couldn't live with a dog. My dog has since died so we decided to buy together.

Hello to anyone who knows me.... This thread couldn't be any more outing if I tried!

I’ve been ordering from Ocado for fifteen years. Hell would freeze over before any man told me I’m no longer allowed to do so.

(I also have a coffee bean subscription, and a weekly Riverford veg box, and order bread and cheese from a bakery, and wholefoods from another source, and wine from another. I like my life like that. And feel very sorry for the OP!)

Tell him to fuck right off ! What a scabby bastard.
you have lots of disposable income. You can buy whatever the hell you like in the food shop ! £150/£180 a week seems so miserly and tight for this amount of people. £120 sounds basic. Get yourself a nice weekly M&S food/Ocado food delivery and spare yourself all this hassle.

The more I read on this thread the more annoyed I am by the posters.

The man is neurodiverse (seemingly) - all the parents on here who are trying to help their kids who are neurodiverse but then a man has some issues and now it is the worst marriage in the world…ffs.

@BugOnARugDrinkingTeaFromAMug loves him, all she wants is some advice on the tightness thing, but so many posters are trying to write off the relationship just because he is a bit tight and rigid, which is almost certainly due to autism/adhd/OCD. Give the guy (and OP) a break.

Can I come and live with you, that sounds fantastic!

All this bending over backwards so that he’s not paying a bean for your kids in any way shape or form is just so mean and unattractive.

why are you with someone so pathologically stingey?

Thanks - I do love him and he loves us. We accomade his quirks just like we accommodate DSs quirks and he puts up with plenty from me I am sure.

I was just ranting mostly and hoping for some advice on how to get him to see this logically. Rant on here rather than arguing with him about it and then being at odds with each other seemed sensible.

But you could live like that!

This. The more you post the worse he sounds OP - he'll wear your spirit down with his inability total unwillingness to compromise . It's absolutely barmy to have that much disposable income a month and he be sat there like Scrooge mcduck about his aldi beans and no cleaner. ATM it's all new and a bit "oh what is he like eh?" 5 years of this and you'll be weary and crushed

he needs to bloody compromise and understand it's not all about what he wants

Sounds really unnecessarily nitpicky. And the thing is you can afford it.

our household income is a bit lower than yours and the food shop costs what it costs, we never argue about it.

I have adhd and I’m not a prick to live with - being nd doesn’t mean the rest of the world has any responsibility to bend to your every whim and difficulty. There is responsibility on the nd person to get their shit together as well. This man is very lucky to have op because I wouldn’t be putting up with it. Now off to make lunch for my dc that I bought from m&s earlier and I even bought one of those overpriced munch mix tins as it looked cute 😁

There is a huge huge difference between making accommodations between your own child with ND, and a partner. The difference is choice, and unconditional love. We have fo live with our children. The op doesn’t have to. The op has made her own decision that she’s happy (ish!) to accept this part of him because of what he brings. Other people wouldn’t make this decision/choice and they are allowed to respond. It’s the whole point of asking on a forum - what would ‘you’ do?

It is rather … Particularly since I moved cities and now place the coffee and bakery orders online but enjoy a glorious walk into town every week to pick them up.

Decades ago when I lived in Edinburgh I used to adore going to the farmers’ market under the castle, and queuing for game at the butchers. Once I stopped eating meat it took many years, and house moves, and incremental changes to hone my food shopping routines to the point where they’re exactly what I want. (Oh, I forgot a very expensive Tinned Fish Market habit! It’s that or Pesky Fish, as I don’t live on a Mediterranean port.)

I don’t think your DH would find me easy to live with. 💀

OP, I think that the best way "to get him to see this logically" will be to just implement the changes you need to make.

Once he realises that a food delivery is coming every week, he will adjust to that.

The same with booking a cleaner.

Your life shouldn't be open to being made more difficult because of his whims.

I think he might be a covert narc. This is a common ‘quirk’ please read about it.

What does he bring to the relationship?

From the sound of it, nothing but stress and criticism.

Also - unless I've misread, the guy isn't even diagnosed/ND suspected.

Its am armchair diagnosis from posters.

Being ND isn't a free pass to act like an arse (said as a mum of ND kids). You can support someone to deal with life in ways they can manage, but that can't just be to shrug their shoulders and say 'this is me , YOU deal with it!'

But it’s controlling full stop.

What would he say if you insisted on only shopping at Tesco from now on and controlling where he shops?

Are you happy living together?

I genuinely couldn’t cope with this and I feel this would strain my relationship.

I would genuinely consider living separately.

What was the reason you got married before living together?
Why not wait to get married until you had already lived together?

So you can never get another dog? Is he allergic?

Has he always been abusive or is this new behaviour?

No what I’m saying is that we are teaching our kids that we love them no matter what neurodiversity, and working around it, but then we won’t accept any in a partner. So aren’t we just setting our kids up to be lonely as adults if we don’t accept adults with neurodivergence?

Every post is the same, kid with neurodivergence we support, partner with neurodivergence we don’t