AIBU to tell him to buy his own food

[BugOnARugDrinkingTeaFromAMug]

Me and DH have set a household budget as follows;

All household expenses including food are paid from the joint account. We totalled them up, set a budget including a buffer and then split it 60:40 with me paying 60 him paying 40, this was my suggestion as I earnore than he does.

I pay all child related expenses for my son, school dinners, bus fares, clubs, allowance, clothes, presents etc from my personal account because the children are mine from a previous marriage.

DD is 18 and buys all her own stuff and expenses and contributed £100 a month to food which goes into the joint account.

I have another DS who is away at uni and I pay anything for him out of my personal account.

Anyway all that to say, he is not subsidising my kids.

We set a food budget of £150 a week, if it the shopping goes over this then I transfer the extra from my personal account to the joint account. When DS was home over summer for example I was putting extra in every week which is fine. His GF also stayed for a week and I bout extra treats etc and feeding six People so it did go quite over but it didn't cost DH anything at all.

So this morning I am going to do the food shop since he is at work and he has just given me a lecture about not buying shite, trying to get under budget. Saying how when he went last week he only spent £120 (I was away with work for 3 days so he had less to feed) .

Would I be unreasonable to tell him to do his own shopping if he is that bothered!! It literally doesn't cost him a penny extra regardless of what I buy!!

(We are very comfortable financially so not like he is worried about money, take home between us of 6k and total bills including food less than 2k)

Relationships are a compromise that’s the downside of living together but it does seem like he’s not willing to budge or compromise enough.

The potential ND is irrelevant, if he can’t compromise then he can’t live with someone.
It’s not an excuse to only have things his own way.

No I can't get another dog, however I don't actually want another dog. I loved my dog but I never purposely set out to get one, I end up with him through circumstance.

We planned to live together after we got engaged but we decided to wait, we were happy living apart and it worked for us.

I am still happy now, on the whole I just spend what I want and ignore the comments. It just massively pissed me off this morning for some reason.

There’s a lots of controlling behaviours whereby it’s not been the persons intention and do not recognise that it’s controlling or the damage it does

If I smack you repeatedly in the face because I’m strongly waving my arms around all the time, maybe I didn’t mean to hurt you but I still hurt you. It would be my responsibility to work on myself so I am not endangering other people with my involuntary arm waving - it isn’t for everyone else to forever dance around my arms hoping they don’t get hit. If it isn’t possible for me to ever control my arm waving then as sad as it is for me, it isn’t safe for other people to be around me.

Whether someone means to be controlling or abusive is not in and of itself enough reason for someone to put up with controlling and abusive behaviour, even if that person is nd. I am sorry I know people really don’t want to hear that, but it’s true. I know plenty of nd people who don’t control or abuse people. So many women are putting up with this type of thing and excusing it away as probably nd or quirks and it’s exhausting just hearing about it. In 5 years op will be ground down and living on Aldi beans as it’s just easier than always fighting it.

OP I’ve read your posts. This is exactly how mine started. Please, please, please keep you eyes wide open.

This is absolutely nuts. He's tight, isn't he? By which I mean very tight. Your food budget is tiny! I earn half what you do and we spend over £200 a week for just two of us because we can afford it .

Scent beads are terrible for your washing machine and for the environment.

God, men and their egos. He's happy to benefit from you earning more, but he also needs to bring in some who-really-wears-the-trousers crap. Nip this in the bud hard and fast or you'll have a terrible life. Tell him to knock it off or you'll leave him to do all the shopping, meal planning and cooking. Failing that, ask him to think a bit more about what it would cost him to go back to two separate households.

Any other excuses, same - slap it down hard and make it clear this isn't up for debate. Space in the freezer? Yeah, mate - my house, my freezer, my money and I'll arrange the freezer how I damn well like. And so on.

I think you've married a sexist prick tbh. But if you want to stay married and not spend your life pandering to a sexist prick's nonsense, you'll need to set the ground rules right from the start. They can change, sometimes - but it usually requires a woman to be very firm and not give an inch.

This. It sounds stressful and hideously unromantic. Yikes.

Have to say I agree with a previous poster with so much disposable income you could live that same way. Plenty of money to save/invest and enjoy nice cheese, fresh sourdough and Ocado if you want. What is stopping you, just his attitude?

I admit I laughed out loud at the analogy there but it has given me pause to think.

Just tell him
If he thinks you buy crap then you don’t mind if he wants to buy his own food and take the 40% food money out the joint account
Has it’s getting to the point you don’t want to be arguing and you have more that enough money spare to enjoy what you want to eat
your quite willing to do your own shop with your 60% food money and put whatever more in it costs you.

Live’s to short to deprive yourself, especially if you can afford to buy whatever you want

Hi @BugOnARugDrinkingTeaFromAMug,

He sounds similar to my (autistic) DH.

Mine has financial anxiety despite us being higher earners. He'd probably just live on tinned fish if on his own!

He also needs to control his environment and doesn't instinctively understand the impact he has on others. I have to carefully explain this to him.

We compromise by having budgets and long-term saving plans whilst also spending enough to enjoy life now. Whether that's groceries or entertainment. When I explain that this is important to me he complains less.

What doesn't work is comparing our family to others (he thinks they're wrong), saying the kids want it (he thinks they're spoilt) or me staying quiet (he's then oblivious to the compromises I'm making).

@LoveFoolMe we must be married to the same man! He thinks everyone else's finances are wrong. Can't understand why anyone would get a car on finance or rent instead of buying.

Hi OP, this constant moaning about how much you spend on food and 'crap' would actually be a big deal for me, whether it's done in a jokey way or not. (You know he's not joking).

It is actually your husband being very controlling, and I would not be going along with it.

If I could afford to eat Heinz baked beans there's no way I'd eat Aldi's because someone else "has to have them".

Food is one of life's great pleasures, and if I can afford to buy whatever I want, that's what I'm going to do.
Why should you be the one to compromise?

Him saying that he's worried about storage space and food waste is him trying to justify why you should do what he wants you to do ie eat cheap food and only buy the bare minimum.

It sounds like you have plenty of space, and waste very little.

Fwiw I worked with SEN students for 22 years, so I do know a little bit about dealing with people with ND.

I think you need to have a serious conversation with him about how he is disrespecting you and the choices you are entitled to make as a self-financing adult.

Tell him that it is infuriating to be told what you can and cannot buy and eat, and that you will not be having another conversation about it again.

Offer him the opportunity to have his own food budget, own fridge freezer, and own store cupboard, so that he can control his own space and food waste.

And you and your DC can have the same. And he cannot comment on any of it.

Good luck OP.

It’s him who is arguing,
yes absolutely yes tell him to buy his own food

There’s three of us, then!

What a miserable way to live...

Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life.
I actually thought you both must be really short of money.

He sounds joyless. I had one like this that moaned about groceries or heating or the cost of anything that wasn't as he claimed benefitting him. This is because it was about there being more for him and him alone.

Of course the budget was under that week, you were hardly there!

You work hard and you spend your money as you see fit. No one would tell me not to buy the decent laundry detergent or the nice bits of food. Life is too short for this shit.

I'd buy for you and your DC and he can sit there with beans and rice. Or better still move out.

I’m all for compromise and accepting people’s quirks. If I were you I’d be thinking very carefully about what compromises he was making on my behalf and just check that the balance is fair. I would, however, be shutting down the constant ‘jokes’ (you know it’s not a joke or it wouldn’t get to you) and quite firmly so. I would be spelling out all the compromises you have already made for him and that the choices you make around food shopping beyond that have no impact on him, and if he said it again, then I would have to assume that he is actually malicious and controlling.

I couldnt be bothered for this seperate money, bickering about who pays what rubbish.

Its not costing him anything so he should just be quiet.