AIBU to refuse family use of our home for holidays?

[SayingNoToFamily]

I'm really cross about this and don't know if I'm being unreasonable. Please help me mumsnetters. I have name changed in case this is outing. Sorry, it is long, so as to avoid a drip feed.

Back story, until very recently we owned a holiday house (just sold it this month). Half of the house belonged to me and DH and the other half was owned by DH parents. We bought our half off another relative and have owned our half for a long time, approximately 20 years.

The house is in a holiday location and has been used by DH siblings (and their partners and school aged children) as a holiday home for all of that time. They never offered any money for their stay. We didn't use it very often as we were not living in that country until a couple of years ago.

Unfortunately it appears that DH siblings viewed the house as something they were entitled to use, rather than a privilege. Obviously their parents also owned half of the house, which makes a difference to how they viewed it. On some occasions the house was left dirty after the siblings had used it and when we arrived to use it we had to clean it. They have also used it without asking, as they all have a key.

We now live in a different holiday location, about 3 hours drive away from the house, so don't need to go there for holidays anymore. But more importantly we have never rented the house, so we didn't ever benefit financially, but it cost us money in terms of maintenance. This is the reason for wanting to sell.

DH siblings have had many years of free holidays, at our expense, mainly during school holidays, when accommodation is expensive. Sadly for them with the sale of the house this has now come to an end.

There is a school holiday coming up here very soon. We as a family (me, DH and our DCs) are going overseas for the holidays, meaning our main house (our permanent family home) will be empty. One of DH siblings, who would usually go to the holiday home, has messaged him to say she doesn't know how she's going to entertain her DCs over the holiday and asking if our house is on offer to them.

I am really annoyed about this. It feels like after years and years of having free holidays in the holiday house at our expense, they now want to use our own home as an alternative.

I don't want them to use it. I don't want the stress of having to get our house ready for guests when we we're already preparing for our own trip. I dont like the idea of other people using our home when were not there. But also I think this is really cheeky and they seem to expect us to still be responsible for providing them with a free holiday.

I think allowing them to use our own house now is effectively sending the message to them that this is now their holiday home, as a replacement and sets a precedent that whenever we are away they can use it. AIBU to not want them to use it?

DH does sort of agree with me on this, however instead wants to tell them they can come to ours when we are there for a 'beach holiday'. Whilst I don't have a problem with then coming to stay for a couple of days when we're here, I don't think he should be starting to offer them 'beach holidays ' in our house at this point, being so close to the sale of the holiday house, as in my opinion it's still giving them the impression that we're responsible for providing them with holidays.

Any advice welcome. Thanks for reading!

This is not a holiday home, there is no history of shared ownership with his parents. It is your HOME. There is a history of them leaving the holiday home in a less than ready to use state, which obviously you do not want happening to your home. In this case, it would take two unequivocal yes's, from both you and your husband, in my view, for this idea to go ahead. It will create a precedent for the future, making it harder to say no in the future. So, for me, it is an utterly unreasonable request in the first place, that would get a 'hahaha - no wait, you're serious?! Yeah, nah, hells to the no!' from me.

This needs to be a hard no from the start as otherwise your home will became the new holiday home by default and it is likely that family will not respect the fact that it is your home and will treat it with the carelessness they did the holiday home.

Personally I would send a “just to clarify” message to everyone saying that you appreciate the loss of the holiday home is an issue for them, but they have had use of it at your expense for a long time so it is time to make their own holiday arrangements. Your home is not a holiday let and you don’t want people staying there when you are not there. Much better to cause some offence now and let them get over it rather than having this hanging over you every school holiday.

We are currently staying in a house we half own where family have become seriously entitled and it’s giving me the shits so we are selling. Otherwise like you we will be paying for a house we can rarely use while others get the benefit.

Just don't.

Tell your DH that if he caves and says yes, you will contact them and cancel. Mean it. After all, you'll probably be landed with all the tidying and cleaning on top of packing for your own holiday.

Absolutely don’t let them their entitlement is unreal

It's definitely time to pull up the drawbridge on all this free holiday stuff. Your husband is obviously the problem here and he needs to toughen up (so very easy for me to say that). But really someone needs to give them the message that a new regime is in place now. Don't give them any extraneous info about your plans in future as they'll just sneak in again.

This is the hill to die on and you have a DH problem. I’d be telling him in no uncertain terms that they will not be staying at your home full stop, whether you are there or not. You have spent 2 decades paying 50% for a house that gave his family free accommodation and that needs to stop now. Ensure that none of them have a house key while you’re away and if they do, take it back. If you can’t get it back, install a doorbell camera so you can monitor it in case they do rock up while you’re away.

You need to be very firm with the whole family. Although this is probably a little harsh but I think you need to be as that family all sound like total CFs.

Dear DH siblings

As you know, the home that we co-owned with DH’s parents has now been sold. DH and I have paid 50% of the mortgage and maintenance costs for the upkeep of this house for 2 decades which has benefited you and your families as you all stayed there without contributing so much as a pound towards the cost of it. On some occasions, it was left in a mess and we had to clean up after you. It was also used on occasion without permission. You weren’t entitled to use this house as a free holiday home but we were happy to allow it for much-loved family. However the lack of appreciation over the last 2 decades was disappointing.

We have now been asked if we will offer up our family home for people to stay in as the holiday home is now sold. We are not running a free AirBnB. After 2 decades of free accommodation, you all need to go sort out your own accommodation without expecting to freeload of us again.

Yours sincerely

"no sorry, we don't want
Anyone in our home while we are away "

Hell no - do it once and the entitlement will kick in. Every year they'll want to know when "their" weeks are...

No no no
not now not ever
the utter brass neck of her
its your home not a bloody air b&b for free
i hope they don’t have a key to let themselves in or they will

What on earth are they thinking? I'd just say no and if my husband insisted (have a partner instead now, but if!) I would be furious. Who wants the worry of what another family are doing in your private space when you're away?

Plant a big pampas grass in the front garden. Tell them you’ve made lots of new friends who’ll be staying so you can’t accommodate them.

I’d be cheeky and say something like “I’m afraid the complementary holiday company we were running has now closed down after the sale of our last holiday property.”

Don't be ridiculous. This is not about money but about cheeky fuckery. Are you happy to clean up other people's rubbish and dirt? Would you be happy to get home from holiday to find you had to clean before you could eat or go to bed?

Can you imagine? A bun fight amongst the siblings about when they can have their holiday entitlement at OP’s house. Not only will OP have to pack for her holiday, but she’ll have to get her house “hotel ready” in terms of cleanliness and bed linens/towels. Then once home from her own holiday, she won’t be able to unpack and ease back in…she’ll be restocking the fridge/cupboards, cleaning the bathrooms, etc. And her pile of holiday laundry will be exacerbated by all of the guests’ sheets and towels. Hell no.

Oh my goodness, nothing you’ve said is unreasonable. You need to put clear boundaries in place from the get go. This includes how you refer to visiting you. I would not call it a beach holiday either. It sets up the wrong dynamics and expectations.

Why on earth would you want someone staying in your own home when you are away?! if they do come when you are there, at best, I would say, when we’re back / next summer / next term, you must come and see us. It needs re-framing as a normal family visit to see you, not using your house as a holiday home.

The eating and cleaning thing is a bit melodramatic.

I'm currently comparing schedules with a family member to work out when I can use their place in Thailand for 3 weeks next year. Sharing with family is nice. My house here is open whenever they want it. I'm really shocked my the miserable attitudes on this thread!

It isn’t your responsibility to resolve your DH siblings holidays , I would be saying no and stop trying to suggest your DH should do it as he is clearly struggling and I wouldn’t trust him to be able to say no tbh . I wouldn’t care if I was seen as a bad guy - it’s your home so saying no is fine! You and your DH need to be clear on this and not get into offering up a beach house holiday at your home- this is your home not a Airbnb . Start the way you mean to go on

It's very 'nice' of your husband to want to be accommodating of his sibling but he's only looking at this one occasion in isolation, you are looking at a pattern of behaviours and the wider context.

You are right to do so.

Start as you mean to go on.

They've already shown you that they are takers. Next, they'll be expecting a certain time of year to be always available to them.
On the years you want to stay home during the holidays, you'll be made to feel guilty for not going away.

Have to ask, is this a wind up? It’s absolutely insane to ask for use of someone’s home, and I cannot fathom anyone having the audacity to do that. The answer is no, and that’s the end of the matter.

Maybe the circumstances are different...

Provided they do take you up on using your house, it's a reciprocal arrangement.

Do you leave the place dirty lie OP's relations?

Takers are always mystified by not being given free stuff.

> I don't want them to use it.

Then don't

She is a total cf. She thinks that her and her family can stay in your family home for free when you're away.

You need to tell your husband that this house is your family home. You not going to let her stay when you're away on holidays because you not willing to clean the house up before she comes, pack things away and then have to do a major clean up when you come home. Remind him what the holiday home was like when she stayed there.

Tell him as well it will be your decision if they can stay say 2 nights the odd time when you're all at home. The holiday home is sold and you sil needs to pay for nights away like other people now.