AIBU to refuse family use of our home for holidays?

[SayingNoToFamily]

I'm really cross about this and don't know if I'm being unreasonable. Please help me mumsnetters. I have name changed in case this is outing. Sorry, it is long, so as to avoid a drip feed.

Back story, until very recently we owned a holiday house (just sold it this month). Half of the house belonged to me and DH and the other half was owned by DH parents. We bought our half off another relative and have owned our half for a long time, approximately 20 years.

The house is in a holiday location and has been used by DH siblings (and their partners and school aged children) as a holiday home for all of that time. They never offered any money for their stay. We didn't use it very often as we were not living in that country until a couple of years ago.

Unfortunately it appears that DH siblings viewed the house as something they were entitled to use, rather than a privilege. Obviously their parents also owned half of the house, which makes a difference to how they viewed it. On some occasions the house was left dirty after the siblings had used it and when we arrived to use it we had to clean it. They have also used it without asking, as they all have a key.

We now live in a different holiday location, about 3 hours drive away from the house, so don't need to go there for holidays anymore. But more importantly we have never rented the house, so we didn't ever benefit financially, but it cost us money in terms of maintenance. This is the reason for wanting to sell.

DH siblings have had many years of free holidays, at our expense, mainly during school holidays, when accommodation is expensive. Sadly for them with the sale of the house this has now come to an end.

There is a school holiday coming up here very soon. We as a family (me, DH and our DCs) are going overseas for the holidays, meaning our main house (our permanent family home) will be empty. One of DH siblings, who would usually go to the holiday home, has messaged him to say she doesn't know how she's going to entertain her DCs over the holiday and asking if our house is on offer to them.

I am really annoyed about this. It feels like after years and years of having free holidays in the holiday house at our expense, they now want to use our own home as an alternative.

I don't want them to use it. I don't want the stress of having to get our house ready for guests when we we're already preparing for our own trip. I dont like the idea of other people using our home when were not there. But also I think this is really cheeky and they seem to expect us to still be responsible for providing them with a free holiday.

I think allowing them to use our own house now is effectively sending the message to them that this is now their holiday home, as a replacement and sets a precedent that whenever we are away they can use it. AIBU to not want them to use it?

DH does sort of agree with me on this, however instead wants to tell them they can come to ours when we are there for a 'beach holiday'. Whilst I don't have a problem with then coming to stay for a couple of days when we're here, I don't think he should be starting to offer them 'beach holidays ' in our house at this point, being so close to the sale of the holiday house, as in my opinion it's still giving them the impression that we're responsible for providing them with holidays.

Any advice welcome. Thanks for reading!

@Ablondiebutagoody yeah right course you would (Not)
they have sponged off the OP for years and now expect to use their home because they don’t want to pay for a holiday

Now is the time to nip this in the bud. They need to pay for their own holidays.

My ex sister in law used to do this to us. The minute we mentioned going ANYWHERE she’d want to use our house. Drove me wild for reasons you mention. Plus generally she was manipulative and always got what she wanted. I effectively stopped it by always having builders in when ever she suggested it. Pain in the arse.

She now does it to my ex but he doesn’t mind so much as she cleans his filthy house 🤣

Unfortunately as evidenced by some PP, people are happy to take.
I know a family who hop all over friends and family during the holidays, whilst they rent their own home out.

They stay for free, always leaving a trail behind them whilst making money out of it.
One family said no this summer so they imposed themselves on his mum's house for 4 weeks, then two weeks at an aunt's house.

This sounds really sweet and with a lot of respect and love shared between your families and it works for you. In the OP’s case it just seems to be thankless and a drain on them rather than a joy with no reciprocal offers for them, not even the most basic of courtesies which are to leave the home as they found it.

I dunno. We are aiming for at least a week of crossover so that we can be there together for a bit. The house will be full. People will have to sleep on sofas, possibly even the floor.

I suspect that posters here would think that I'm a cheeky fucker, ruining their holiday, and why don't I just piss off etc. etc.

Just reply to their request with “my home isn’t an Airbnb!!!”

This would be a tiny proportion of the overall costs of property though. And presumably OP's in laws were sharing the cost given they owned half the property. Not sure why OP is claiming it was all on her and her husband.

I do think the siblings should have offered a contribution to cover their stay but I also think it's ridiculous to allow this arrangement for 20 years if you aren't happy with it.

Don’t use the excuse of “oh we are so messy”. They will just say “oh we don’t mind!”

Your DH will just have to grow a pair and say “ sorry that doesn’t work for us”. Repeat ad nauseam.

You have a husband problem if he overrides you on this in YOUR house!!! Get in there first and tell sil no and make it clear it’s not an option and she needs to book a holiday and pay for it like everyone else does!!

We are all different. .I couldn't allow this to happen. What about personal items, personal documents and all other things that make a house a home. I am so particular about cleaning, even down to polishing my.oven after I use it (yes, I know!). It wouldn't smell like my house should or feel the same. Someone else sleeping in our bed. I would be on edge all the time I was away. My husband knows me so well and would never entertain such a suggestion. You should be your husband's concern, not his siblings.

I do think the op should say no bit isnt it their house not just the op?

Imagine if a man starting demanded something of a woman's siblings and said ot was his house

Unless the house is actually just the ops ?

Your DH says it's not fair your family come to stay but not his, so make a hard and fast rule for both sides then there's no favouritism. No one uses the house when your not there and stays are by invitation only.
@Firefly100 is so right, the most important thing is to break the idea you're their holiday provider straight away or this will go on for years. If your DH still waivers you need a list of the downsides_ mess, expense, lack of privacy. Plus his siblings will expect to visit every school holiday, that's way, way to much

@SayingNoToFamily You need to set boundaries now. Understand they are being selfish and not considering you, they have ridden the gravy train for years and now it has ended, sad for them but you have been exceptionally generous so feel no guilt. Of course you will as you sound a very generous couple but do not offer a few days beach holiday in the future, you are creating a precedent, that will be the undoing of you. It is your home not a holiday let.

I would say something along the lines of

"We know this is an issue that often arises for people who have homes in or near holiday destinations so we’ve talked about it and we’re not able to offer the house for holidays. We allowed family free use of our holiday home for many years, and whilst it is sad that has now ended, we all walked away with many happy memories.

This is our private family home not holiday accommodation. We would not be comfortable with guests staying on that basis. If we said yes to you, others would eventually follow and its too much for us so we are not going down that path.

We’re happy to have you visit as family for a few days when we’re here, but the house isn’t available for holiday use."

It might seem harsh but if not, otherwise any practical objections you raise will be challenged, i.e we don't have time to prepare the house for you when we are juggling packing etc - they will retort, no worries we will take it as we find it. And then you will find it hard to say (as you have already proven in your thread), that you don't want to come home to someone elses mess that you have to clear up or for someone to have free rein of your private and personal possessions.

And if you really want to cop out, tell them "Also, our household insurance doesn’t cover everything if people stay while we’re away - so it’s not something we can offer"

Stand your ground.

In some countries it's standard that holiday home/lodge/ cottage is owned by 1 person and used by whole family. We have that. It's wuite standard set up.

But I would not entertain "how will I busy my kids". Though we actually did holiday swap with my sibling and sil, but it was beneficial for both sides and no one demanded it. That makes massive difference

Agree, only mention when you're back if you must.

I would say your home is not a holiday home and nip it in the bud early as possible. This is your home, your sanctuary and you don’t want to come back home after your holiday to find anyone has rifled through your drawers ad have to clean anyone else’s mess. You tell husband it’s a firm no from you because you don’t want other people living at yours whilst you’re away. They can visit you but as for your family, they live further away and never felt entitled to free holiday accommodation at your holiday home.

OP, there is nothing less attractive than a weak man.

Your husband has allowed his family trample all over a joint investment and now wants to offer up your home to these users.

I think you need to find your anger and upset and tell your husband you are devastated to realise that there is nothing he will stand up for.

He even thinks your family home is up for his family to use and abuse.

He has no self respect for himself, his marriage to you and your family home.

YOU need to stop being a doormat and need to find your self respect too.

What on earth are the two of you modelling to your children.

Wake up.

Offering up your home to be used is another level of weakness.
This would change how I felt about my husband if I realised nothing at all is sacred to him, not even our home.

So is this the first time you'll be doing it?

I would ask that DH replies to his sister treating the request like the joke it is.
Something along the lines of “Hahaha, good one!
It’s a shame we don’t have a holiday house any more, but obviously our new home won’t be used as a substitute for it.
Hopefully you can find an alternative to rent”

I once let a friend stay in my house for two weeks while I was away. It was my idea as she still lived at home and it suited me to have the house occupied.

The only thing that bothered me was that she didn’t use the dishwasher and I hate hand washed dishes. I could tell straight away

(I am happy to wash dishes myself but am absolutely meticulous about it.
They are all rinsed under really hot water and I inspect them very carefully to ensure that they are properly clean.)

The dishes were “slimy” and just generally a bit grubby looking.
I put them all in the dishwasher and never said a word to her. It didn’t affect my friendship with her.

Another time, I let another friend and her boyfriend stay while I was away.
She was in between moving house and staying back home.

Again, I offered.
Only issue was that she wore a brand new Whistles dress and left a stain on it.
I had never worn it. It was £100 in the sale.

The stain was on the top half which was a very fine, sheer silk so it was pretty impossible to get out.
It looked like an oily stain.
I never wore it 😔

I didn’t discover it until ages later and I was really ticked off. I didn’t say anything to her.

I have two almost adult DC and my house is now a riot so ain’t nobody ever staying here again 🤣

Just say no! They are ridiculous for even asking. The cheek of some people!

No is a complete sentence.

Just say "no sorry, this is our home not a holiday home and we dont want anyone else staying in it. I suggest you try airbnb"

Absolutely not to them treating your main home as a holiday home, unless you have some annexe or outbuilding that is self contained.

My family has a holiday home that has been in the family for many years (not in the UK). We have quite strict rules around it, eg. only people who own it and pay the tax/insurance on it can stay there and even then, there are designated months eg. my uncle and his family have exclusive use in July and my dad and his family get August. Any guests (even if they come at owner's invitation) cannot stay the same weekend two years running as the third year it becomes "oh we're coming for our usual weekend to stay with you". So two years running and then the date has to change, or they don't come that year.

Even with my own dear friends I've learned the hard way that after two years of "please can we visit you the second weekend in July" the third year becomes "we'll be coming for our usual weekend"!!

Also, if we haven't heard from you since last year until the email arrives in April "hey are you going to the holiday home this year" - fishing for an invitation, nope.