What would you do if your child punched someone in the face at school?

[DarkSunshine]

Had a phonecall from my son's school today to inform me that he'd attacked another boy in the playground. Apparently there was an argument over a game (the other child said my son was no good at it and he didn't want him to play anymore) so my son pushed him to the floor and proceeded to punch him in the face before being pulled off him.

As punishment he'll miss his break times for the rest of the week and he's been banned from the school trip next week.

DH thinks this is a fair punishment and he shouldn't face anymore consequences from us at home and that he was being "wound up" by the other boy. Personally I think he should have further consequences at home because I don't want to make him think he can do things like that at school and we won't have anything to say about it.

He's in year 5 and about to turn 10 in a couple of weeks. This isn't the first time something like this has happened and I feel like we really need to come down quite hard this time.

He has no SEN.

Aibu?

Agree with you OP - he needs to face consequences at home otherwise you and DH will be seen as soft touches (to which I think your DH is being).

Why has he acted like this over a game? That’s an extreme reaction. I would probably try to get to the bottom of the ‘why’ and ensure he truly understands the impact his actions had.

Does he game or have an iPad etc? I would probably take something away for a couple of weeks (whatever it might be.) I think I would also ensure he actually properly apologises to the boy too. At 9/10 pinching a child in the face isn’t ’kids being kids’.

My son was bullied for years. Name calling, pushing, punching, kicking and lots of stolen possessions. It was heartbreaking and the school never sanctioned the kids.

For the sake of someone else's child down the line, sort you kid out now before it's too late. He's already a bully, but sounds young enough to fix.

This 100% support to help him manage his emotions.

Not sure if you’re still here OP but wanted to add a few things.

I’d also recommend trying rugby instead of football. They instill manners and discipline throughout the sport in a way which football absolutely does not. Football allows tantrums and fouling when things don’t go your way, rugby absolutely does not. My youngest used to have a tendency to be a bit of a sh1t, rugby has turned him into a model citizen.

Agree he needs way more consequences. When my eldest was caught in an act of bullying to another child I confiscated his ipad for the whole half term. As he has a long journey to school this was a pretty major consequence meaning he had 2 hours a day for months to silently reflect on his actions. He has never bullied anyone since.

Finally - his anger. Not sure if others have suggested as I only read your comments not the full thread but he needs therapy. A decent therapist will be able to help him with strategies for when the red mist descends. My eldest is autistic and used to have huge meltdowns. The strategies have taught him how to remove himself from situations. I understand your son doesn’t have SEN but the principles are the same. And I agree that if this isn’t stamped out now he could become an adult with anger problems who lashes out at his partner or gets into bar fights. He could kill someone (punching in head) or be killed himself.

Also you need to reach out to the other family and apologise to them on behalf of your whole family. I’ve been there. It’s hard. But gotta be done.

Agree with this. The difference in the ethos and culture between football and rugby (for example) is night and day. It’s a shame football doesn’t have the same approach. In rugby if parents are rude or yelling too much they will be told to leave. End of. If a kid fouls another they are removed. In the junior leagues winning and losing is based on behaviour rather than purely who scores the most points. Pure discipline which turns the kids into exemplary young adults.

My son hit someone in y7. The other kid had been winding him up all week. Staff kept pairing them together and DC hit him once. He got a detention in school and a firm conversation about using words not fists and moving away.
When some dickhead kept switching off his computer when he was working in the library a year later, DC didn't retaliate - but his friends took appropriate action and reported it. He learned.

I was on the other side of this. My son was physically assaulted during his year 5 and was pushed and punched. My son was forced to stay in class, the other child went home that day. The other child had a day off, my son was expected back in class. By the Friday: he was sat beside that child in class once again. No wonder my son was physically shaking and throwing up!
As his parents I demanded the school move the other child, I also asked for a full written account. I took it to the police and the child who hit my son now has a record for violence. The parents didn’t even care. Less than a week later they were celebrating a football scholarship their child had won, I went to the football stadium with the police crime reference number and got the child banned from the scholarship.
I went full scorched earth, because the parents never even apologised.

I notice whenever the parent has a child who lashes out violently they always say the victim was irritating them or winding them up, that is what abusive people always say. “Look what you made me do” it’s unacceptable from any child, especially boys. It starts in childhood.

My DS is huge, over 99 percentile, very strong.
I can’t ever imagine him doing that, he would terrified of the consequences in school and at home, plus he knows it would hurt.
Teach your boys to keep their hands to themselves or the boy they sms med might have a bigger friend or brother.

Well done for your attitude to this I think you are correct, not sure what your husband is thinking. Your son needs to learn that you do not respond to verbal provocation with violence as this could have serious consequences in the future. You see so many stories now where the lives of so many people are ruined by ‘just one punch’ A victim falls back hits their head as they go down and next thing they are dead from a brain injury their life over, their family devastated and the perpetrator charged with manslaughter facing a long prison sentence and criminal record (rightly so). Your son needs to understand how these things can play out in the future as when these things happen the aggressor never meant to do it, it was just one punch but it is too late then. I cannot believe your husband thinks ‘he was provoked’ is an excuse

As I said above. DS is huge. He would never strike a child in school, but he definitely has no problem calling out injustice if he spots a bully.
He has to stick to the rules. If he notices a small child being bullied, he calls the bully out.
I don’t think there is anything worse than a child being bullied in school.

I would love to see victims and ex bullies revisiting schools to discuss one punch attack death. Alongside large photos of the victims who didn’t survive the head trauma.

I wonder of your husband being so laid back could have led to your son's controlling behaviour and violence? AS one poster said upthread, in children this is often linked to anxiety. Perhaps if your husband was better at putting boundaries in place?
I really think you need to consider family therapy

Being wound up is not nice. Pushing would have been bad enough, but yo the floor and then punching him!!! The school are punishing him, but i think there needs to be a punishment at hime too. This will show your son that home and school are working together

This would very likely be an immediate suspension at Secondary with refusal for any upcoming trips.

moving past this area, yes he was wound up but a reaction like this won’t be tolerated. Try to talk to him why he did it and talk about zones of regulation vs rage.

I have just seen the update. Prevention is needed. I woukd treat this as a matter of urgency. He will be in secondary school soon. U and ur husband must be singing off the same hymn sheet. Ask the school for advice.

It's probably somewhat obvious why he thinks this is ok-his dad is teaching him that he's allowed to punch people purely for "winding him up" especially as this isn't the first time he's done this to a classmate in school. What consequences did he get last time or did dad give him a well done for sticking up for himself speech? I'm all for kids defending themselves against bullying but to purposely knock another kid to the floor and repeatedly punch them in the face to the point he's being dragged off the kid isn't on

You need to establish whether there is anything long-term going on here with the children. I'm not saying that this is what happened, but say this child has been bullying and winding up your boy for months. Little digs, belittling him in front of all his friends, excluding him from games, in short - being a bully. As adults, we need to guide children into handling these situations better, but you need to consider what led up to this reaction before stamping on his toys and grounding him for life as some posters have suggested.

Talk to him !
Ask him what happened and why he felt the need to do this ?
And punish accordingly!
No excuse really but if the other child has been attacking him then that's fair enough

Some children are more dominant than others and I do truly believe they have to find their own hierarchies - it means nurturing that into beneficial skill like great leadership!

I agree with you on him needing further punishment. He needs to have it know that you, his parents, do not support or tolerate that behaviour.

My personal opinion on how I’d handle it:

• Very strong conversation with your son. Asking him difficult questions like why he thinks it acceptable to hurt another child. Acknowledge that the other boys words hurt his feeling but I like to say all emotions are acceptable, all behaviours are not. He chooses his reactions.
• He has to buy a gift for the other child from his own money - maybe something related to the original game the fallout was over. I’d explain that the gift does not excuse the behaviour but is a nice thing to do.
• He has to take the gift into school and apologise to the child for his actions.
• He writes a letter of apology to the child's parents.

I think the above will send a clear message to your son, to his peers at school and to the other child and their parents that you are taking this seriously.

And then finally, move on from it. Don’t rehash it all the time. Let him learn from and hopefully it wont happen again. He’s young and kids make mistakes but that doesn't mean he isn't capable of growth.

Hope you’re okay mama - I can hear the disappointment in your words x

Do you think your husband is in part more relaxed because it was another boy? (Boys will be boys etc). Would he have felt the same if he’d done that to a girl? Would he feel the same if he’d done that to a reception child? The other 9 year old deserves to not be the target of violence as much as those but it might be interesting to explore whether he’d have felt differently if the child wasn’t a direct peer?

1. He needs a firm talking to at home with a united stance from you and his dad that it was completely unacceptable and horrible behaviour (i'm not a fan of shaming kids if it can be avoided, but in a situation like this i think it can be necessary as i think they do need to know how serious it is and that people are not happy with them about it.) Discuss with him other ways he could have reacted and channelled his anger.Also do recognise that the other boy said something unkind, so your son was right to be annoyed, but NOT to have lashed out how he did.

2. You need to get him some mental health support to help him think about the reasons behind and how to manage his anger BUT (as someone who has worked with many kids with anger issues) if he is witnessing or on the receiving end of aggressive behaviours at home, or the triggers aren't reduced, then it won't work and he cannot be expected to change.So think about WHY he is behaving this way first and if there are any negative influences that he is copying, including computer games.

Come down hard, but also if it’s the first time don’t worry too much. People on mumsnet act like no one ever punches anyone and their darling babies would never - but in reality I work with kids and a lot of them get violent. You need to talk to him, find out why, and work on some anger management strategies. Talk to him about walking away, finding a calm place, deep breaths and count to ten and all that stuff. He was naughty, but a lot of 9 year olds do stuff like that so I don’t think you need to worry he’s a hardened little psychopath.

I agree with others, your DH is minimising this. Your son needs to realise that punching people because they wind you up isn’t the answer, he needs to learn coping strategies. Boxing is great at teaching self discipline.

I would be absolutely furious if one of my children done this and no I do not think missing break is enough. He should also be loosing something at home and he writing a letter to the child apologising. Just because he was wound up doesn’t give him the right to attack another child. If I was the other child’s parent I would be pushing for suspension.

You are right, that reaction/level of violence at such a young age is shocking. Maybe work on anger management with him?