MIL says I “hijacked” her son because I helped my parents

[leonorrr]

Me and my husband are both 35. We've been married for 6 years and have two children, and I'm currently pregnant with our third.

Around a year ago, my dad suddenly became very ill and was hospitalised for about a month. His insurance covered roughly 45% of the costs, but the remaining amount was still quite large.

I have an older brother and a younger sister. They're both married with children and have decent jobs, but me and my husband are higher earners, so we were in a position to contribute more. My siblings did contribute as well, but I paid the biggest share of the remaining hospital bills.

Thankfully, my dad recovered. After he left hospital, my mum and dad stayed with us for around 6 months because my dad needed regular hospital visits and support. Again, I covered most of the expenses, although my brother and sister also contributed.

For the last 4–5 months, though, I've noticed my MIL becoming quite cold towards me. Sometimes she seems to start arguments with me over things that don't really make sense. My SIL, who is my husband's younger sister, has also been distant. In June, she hosted a party and didn't invite either me or my husband.

About three weeks ago, we all stayed at my in-laws' house for 2–3 days. My MIL was clearly angry and eventually told me that I had "hijacked" her son and that we weren't really family anymore. She said I didn't consider them family and asked whether we ever thought about her health or what she wanted, because apparently we've spent so much money taking care of my family instead.

Honestly, that really hurt me.

She also said that my husband only has one sister, yet despite us earning well, we have never really helped her. I don't think that's entirely fair. My SIL and her husband both earn enough to live comfortably, and we do care about them. We regularly take her children shopping with ours, usually around once a month, and we send them gifts too. If they ever genuinely had a financial problem, of course we would help.

My MIL was crying and very angry when she said all this. My SIL was sitting there as well but didn't say anything.

The thing is, we were actually planning to tell them that I'm pregnant. The next day, we told them.

Nobody really reacted. Nobody congratulated us or even seemed happy. Me and my husband were both really upset.

Now it's been three weeks and neither my MIL nor SIL has called or messaged us. I invited my SIL and her family over this weekend, but she didn't answer my calls and didn't come.

My husband is really sad about the whole situation, and honestly, so am I. I don't understand what we've done that is so terrible. Yes, I helped my parents when my dad was seriously ill, and yes, I contributed more because I was able to. But does that mean I'm supposed to ignore my parents because my husband has a family too?

Key issue: She knows too much of your business. Someone must have mentioned financials to them? Or they asked? Either way they know too much about matters that do not concern then.

Your husband is a son before he's a husband and father.

He's going to deprive his kids to buy his mother's love with this stupid, self imposed Mamacita tax.

You're in a toxic marriage with some viciously greedy in laws that dislike you. If your husband caves to this crap, you may as well divorce him.

So after being treated this way, your DH's response is to try to win his mother back by giving her 20% his salary? That is extreme, and he is playing right into her hand.

It's shameful that your MIL would ice out you and DH out over you helping out your father at a time that he was seriously ill. Instead, she should know that if such an extreme thing happened to her, you would do the same. But that is hardly the same as giving money out of sheer obligation with no good reason. His younger sister (so younger than 35?) can make her own money, as can her husband. THey have opportunity and time. They are NOT your financial responsibility.

An illness is a very separate matter, as is an older parent. The mistake was in ever revealing anything about your financial decisions to your MIL, which is what I assume DH did. That's immature of DH. He is a married man with kids and doesn't need to report back to his mother what decisions he and his wife make.

With another baby on the way, giving 20% of DH's salary to his mother feels quite extreme. The "fairness" in this is that if your MIL is ever as seriously ill as your father was, you will help.

What would MIL use the money for? Not healthcare? So there you go. If it's for food or clothes, then you would therefore have to give your own parents the same 20% for spending in order for that to be fair.

Your MIL sounds very coldhearted and deeply selfish to turn your father's seriously illness into a tantrum.

Your DH wants to financially aid his mother to stop a family argument.
this is actually insane. Just wait for sil to ask for the same.
i would be speaking with a solicitor if I was you OP. This won’t end well.

Hi @leonorrr 👋🏽

I work in commercial field so money is my thing.

Clearly conversations are happening that you are not privy too.
first thing first - you need to get to the bottom of this. A properly long sit down with kids out of the house conversation with your dh is needed.

As a "hold position" I'd agree that yes his family can have some financial help too if theres a valid reason (spoiler:there isnt) BUT keep it very vague and insists it needs to be a joint decision just as your parents were.
Be unambiguous that you do NOT agree to this 20% of his salary indefinitely.
It is an absolutely terrible deal for you as a family and potentially ruinous.
Remind him and yourself that you both have a fiscal responsibility to your soon to be three children.

Dont agree to this because you are afraid he'll resent you... think about your children and remind him to. if his net income is 5k per month thats €12k per year. That is WILD.

In 5 yrs will she start demanding it increases with inflation? Will she want 20% even if he gets a pay rise?
If he is made redundant will he stil leave to pay? If he takes a pay cut what happens?
It also doesnt address his "impoverished sister" what % of family income is he going to give away to her when she kicks off in 3 months.

This is literally blackmail.

In your shoes.... Ideally i'd arrange intensive emergency martial counselling to agree a way forward. (Like 2 x 2 hr sessions per week, not 1 hr a fortnight).

He is clearly bitching or not telling you the full story - you need to get on the same page and "solve this together"

If you are absolutely going to have to engage in this insanity please make it a fixed lump sum amount not ongoing monthly payments.
My "best and final position" in your shoes would probably be thathis family get a lump sum "settlement" equivalent of "his spends" (not total spend) on your family and once its agreed that thats it. No more.
These fuckers will be bleeding you dry until kingdom come otherwise.

I would NEVER forgive my mil if she made these demands and accepted the lump sum and I would struggle to forgive my husband if he indulged this insanity.

And if my husband did insist on giving 20% of his salary to his parents I would be threatening divorce and pregnant or not i'd be following through...

Because it is actually insane....
what he basically wants is to give her tens of thousands of euros to avoid an uncomfortable conversation/ feeling any uncomfortable feelings....
he is a husband and father ... it's utterly pathetic on his part.

Helping a relative when they’re in dire need because they were critically ill, and giving a relative 20% of your income effectively as a perpetual pension payment AND medical bills all because they threw a tantrum, despite the fact it will be of detriment to your children, are very, very different scenarios. This is absolutely outrageous Op.

What a sickening, entitled woman she is and what a spineless twit your DH is for pandering to it. If he gives in to this what is stopping her from insisting it’s increased later? Their relationship isn’t going to be damaged because he stands up to her. It’s already damaged because she’s putting him in situations where he has to. She’s causing the issues. It’s on her.

They are very toxic and narcissistic people....

asked whether we ever thought about her health or what she wanted, because apparently we've spent so much money taking care of my family instead.
She also said that my husband only has one sister, yet despite us earning well, we have never really helped her.
Greedy CF, only because you earn good money it doesn't mean your DH's family is entitled to handouts if they're in a good financial situation. Also a CF being jealous of the attention your dad got when he was in hospital, what's wrong with her health exactly, was she in hospital too and you ignored her? I doubt it.

Nobody really reacted. Nobody congratulated us or even seemed happy. Me and my husband were both really upset.
Absolute narcissists, it's only about them and what they want.

You're best off limiting contact as much as possible. They're toxic people. Also I would stop discussing with them how you spend your money, it's none of their business

Wow and wow....
Her plan was exactly this to turn on the water works and emotional blackmail.
She's trying to prove a point that she is entitled to her son's money.

How did they pay the bills and run the household before this.
If they have the money to support themselves, then they should continue with that and your DH can offer support during emergencies. Not just hand over money on a regular basis.
If your own income goes into joint accounts to run your household, I hope that doesn't mean you will be contributing more.

This is completely unacceptable.

Personally, if he goes through with this, I would never speak to my or SIL again for putting him in this situation.

Ultimately though, this is on him. It would be enough to make me reconsider my marriage.

If you aren’t willing to go there, I would arrange for marriage counselling and separate finances. Have him pay for his percentage of the bills and child costs, and you pay your share. He can give his mum and sister money from whatever he has left over.

I’m sorry you are in this situation. I would be absolutely furious.

She sounds like a jealous petulant child, and should be grateful she has her health. YANBU OP, and don’t let this situation stress out your good pregnant self 💖

This is insane. Blackmail is what it is.
The entitlement and audacity is unreal, but this is a husband problem for you unfortunately. You and him need an honest conversation and she needs to be told no. Why would he jeopardise his children over their greedy grandmother.

Youe MIL is a rubbish mother if she's demanding money from your husband. Decent parents would never do that. You're absolute mugs if you give her any money.

Having seen your MIL's and SIL's narcissistic behaviour, you need to be careful in the future about what else they will come up with.
Your husband can't just carry on handing money over.
If MIL thinks she's controlled this situation she'll gradually start controlling other matters.
Your DH should have spoken up and told them, your father's situation was a health related emergency and if they were in a similar situation, he would do the same and more.
Your MIL is an extremely jealous person and has found the perfect excuse to manipulate your DH and to meddle in your affairs.

Totally agree with this.
Why is your DH agreeing to this.

Sounds like it’s all about money for them. How base. Is she a massive sexist who sees the men in the family as her providers?

I bet the money your MIL takes from your DH will be shared with SIL.

Can’t you just tell her that of course if she becomes seriously ill you will help in the same way.

I would not wish to just give them money because they are shouting at you. Please talk to your husband as he is just being guilt tripped!

Sorry, this is mad. So many things I don’t understand. Your MIL is being completely unreasonable, there’s no way anyone would ever think otherwise. Why on earth would your DH go along with that. Apart from that, Spain has free public health care, even better than the UK. Why did your dad need insurance that only covered half of his treatment in the first place?

Surely you’d spend the same on her if she became seriously ill - but you didn’t subsidise your parents when they weren’t unwell.

But how very sad that she’d rather take money than have a good relationship with her grandchildren.

She sounds totally over-invested in who is getting what. Stop telling her your business because she’s clearly developing expectations about your money.

The lack of congratulations underlines her immature attitude. Avoid them both as much as you can.

You have been put in such an awkward position, because you are right - if you object it does sound like you are complaining about giving his family money when you were happy to give money to your own family.

I think you have to be very clever about how you discuss it with your DH. You need to make it very clear that you love him and support him. But also you want to make sure that he really truly wants this, and that he doesn’t feel like he is being blackmailed into redirecting family funds to his mum to retain their love (which he obviously is being!). Hopefully he realises that paying his mother a retainer to remain in his life is different to paying for a one time medical emergency.

The old green eyed monster, I bet your life if mil was offered the chance to change places with your father she'd run a mile. You owe them nothing Op, let them stew for now

But the point is you helped in an emergency and I'm sure if your MIL ever needed financial support with health issues you would do the same and more.
Its not the same as handing money over just because she's throwing a tantrum.

Who's to say she will carry on taking this sum of money and then if there was any health problem in the future,she will still expect financial help.
I wouldn't be happy with this set-up.
You should be having a long and serious conversation with your DH, I hope he respects your feelings and why has he decided to give 20% out of his earnings.
If your husband doesn't listen then I would at least try to bring that figure down.

If your MIL gets her way now, next she will think of something else, just to show, she is the one who will control her son and to belittle you.
This narrow minded thinking runs in certain cultures.

Tell your husband to grow a pair. What happens if your finances change? Will he carry on paying his tyrant of a mother? The next thing will be “he ought to pay something to his sister” I’m sorry but I wouldn’t put up with it.

Can she not afford her own bills and medical costs?