MIL says I “hijacked” her son because I helped my parents

[leonorrr]

Me and my husband are both 35. We've been married for 6 years and have two children, and I'm currently pregnant with our third.

Around a year ago, my dad suddenly became very ill and was hospitalised for about a month. His insurance covered roughly 45% of the costs, but the remaining amount was still quite large.

I have an older brother and a younger sister. They're both married with children and have decent jobs, but me and my husband are higher earners, so we were in a position to contribute more. My siblings did contribute as well, but I paid the biggest share of the remaining hospital bills.

Thankfully, my dad recovered. After he left hospital, my mum and dad stayed with us for around 6 months because my dad needed regular hospital visits and support. Again, I covered most of the expenses, although my brother and sister also contributed.

For the last 4–5 months, though, I've noticed my MIL becoming quite cold towards me. Sometimes she seems to start arguments with me over things that don't really make sense. My SIL, who is my husband's younger sister, has also been distant. In June, she hosted a party and didn't invite either me or my husband.

About three weeks ago, we all stayed at my in-laws' house for 2–3 days. My MIL was clearly angry and eventually told me that I had "hijacked" her son and that we weren't really family anymore. She said I didn't consider them family and asked whether we ever thought about her health or what she wanted, because apparently we've spent so much money taking care of my family instead.

Honestly, that really hurt me.

She also said that my husband only has one sister, yet despite us earning well, we have never really helped her. I don't think that's entirely fair. My SIL and her husband both earn enough to live comfortably, and we do care about them. We regularly take her children shopping with ours, usually around once a month, and we send them gifts too. If they ever genuinely had a financial problem, of course we would help.

My MIL was crying and very angry when she said all this. My SIL was sitting there as well but didn't say anything.

The thing is, we were actually planning to tell them that I'm pregnant. The next day, we told them.

Nobody really reacted. Nobody congratulated us or even seemed happy. Me and my husband were both really upset.

Now it's been three weeks and neither my MIL nor SIL has called or messaged us. I invited my SIL and her family over this weekend, but she didn't answer my calls and didn't come.

My husband is really sad about the whole situation, and honestly, so am I. I don't understand what we've done that is so terrible. Yes, I helped my parents when my dad was seriously ill, and yes, I contributed more because I was able to. But does that mean I'm supposed to ignore my parents because my husband has a family too?

I would speak to him again about this. Does MIL need this help? If she does need help for a specific reason could he not give her one-off support? Does insurance not cover her medical bills either?

Not giving them money doesn't mean she's right. Don't be led down that path. If she has the means to pay and doesn't have major expenses she can get on with it. How do you know that it won't be you give the 20% and then she says 'you gave her parents more' or why dont you give your sister 20% too? Selfish people are never going to be satisfied with what they get. They are trying to blackmail him. Don't do it.

I would though tell MIL that you will be there and do the same for her if she has a large emergency bill, or SIL, and that you paid because it was an emergency. If you are paying ongoing bills, maybe DH could pay a bit towards those, but certainly not all the money he's proposing. That is taking money away from your children.

Poor you and your family, that all sounds very stressful and worrying.
How awful that your MIL and SIL didn’t seem to recognise that you are a couple who support family who are in need and have used it to have a fight about money.
They sound as though they have a huge issue with inadequacy.
You need to look after yourselves,, especially as you are pregnant. I would state your case then back off, they don’t sound as though they have anything to offer you at the moment apart from negative energy, good luck. You sound as though you deserve better.

what happens when she gets ill and needs care. If she has already had and spent the money that would have been spent on her what care is she expecting.

I wouldn’t care what she thought.

If you divorced he would have to be realistic with his money. After 20% to his mother, child support, (based on his total salary) rent or mortgage for his own place etc
He isn’t going to have anything left.
I wouldn’t care what she says. Just knowing the financial and emotional strife she has caused her DS is one day going to come home to roost.

You could play your dh at his own game. If everything is joint. I would only be bringing 80% of your income to the table. If you can’t afford things then so be it.
You are going to be giving 20% of your salary to your parents (who can put it in a bank account for you.)

Presumably this 20% is going to be for life and could end up being a huge lot more than your father had

Is she expecting at some stage to move in with you and be cared for by you.

How do they know so much about your finances and what you paid . Unless you want an opinion don't share any information like this . Do they not like your parents ? Allowing your parents to stay while he recuperates should have nothing to do with them . It didn't effect them in any way did it ?

I’m a boy Mum myself op. She is rude, jealous and a weirdo. Why has she not spoken to her son? She sounds like the first to have her hand out expecting you and your husband to pay for HER. She’s actually jealous your poor dad got financial support from you, has she forgotten it’s because he was very unwell?

I will never understand mother in laws that treat their daughter in laws hideously when that’s the mother of the grandchildren!!

Huge congratulations on your new baby OP and I hope your Dad stays in good health.
Treat them how they treat you. No more invites over, no more reaching out to them. If they want to see your husband or children (not the new baby) then they can call and arrange that. You definitely don’t have to be around these awful people.

Guessing the son probably mentioned it and it’s now been weaponised.

WTAF?
Why DO people live in their own heads & not just ASK when they are thinking such insane thoughts? No, they'd rather let it all build up until they're at slapping point & not even capable of listening any more. Tell them to feck off.

This would be a marriage-ender for me.

He is supposed to be building a family and a future with you. If his mum or sister were in dire financial straits, of course you'd help. But he is allowing himself to be extorted.

When they start asking for cost-of-living increases, insist that you match every penny spent on your parents with expenditure on them, bitch because you're on your second holiday this year and poor SIL hasn't had one yet...

He is opening your family up to exploitation by these entitled individuals, and I could not live with knowing that e.g. any bonuses or overtime payments I earn are, from now on, fair game for greedy in-laws.

If this is what it takes to keep from damaging his relationship with his mum, it is a pretty rubbish relationship already.

There is no relationship, he is having to buy one, that is essentially like an escort or a prostitute.

First of all, could it be that she feels neglected by you in terms of you asking about her health? Is she struggling with something herself that she'd hoped you'd notice or ask about?

That aside, she sounds horribly unempathetic towards your father, and juvenile in the way she ignores you instead of having an adult, open conversation about this. I feel mostly bad for your husband, as it's his family - but in your shoes, I couldn't be bothered with this ridiculous behaviour. It sounds like you've extended an olive branch but they've not taken it. The ball is in their court now as far as you're concerned. Your husband might want to try seeing them face to face to clear things up.

So she said you hijacked her son because you helped out because your dad was very and now she is being appeased by taking money that you need for your children?

i cannot help but think that if it was the husband spending a lot of money on his parents we would have different opinions shared - particularly with the spend being on private healthcare in a country with public healthcare.

I would take a step back and leave that side of the family to your husband. You are right to focus on your family and helping your Dad. Let your husband visit his mother and sister if he wants to. They are trying to reel you into the drama but it's not your drama.

Seriously, they are batshit! You’re people not cash machines! Why are you expected to subsidise all these relatives? I understand you helping your parents due to a specific situation and I’m assuming that has stopped now due to your Dads health improving.
it sounds like MIL expects random financial payments ‘just because’. Does she need help or she just wants help cos she’s jealous of the money spent on your DFs recovery?
But this all could have been avoided if your DH didn’t overshare. Who tells their parents all their financial information? This needs to stop.

sorry this is pathetic so he wants to pay to have his mother in his life whilst bringing another child into the world
you need to have a serious talk

You need to run not walk to couples counseling and use that as your excuse to stop payments to the MIL until you have had time to really talk about this as a family. If my DH gave MIL 20% of his earnings (he actually used to when single and making a lot of money while she didn't due to raising them then divorce) I'd be ok with it now because she is a wonderful person and we can do it. When we had children MIL asked him to stop until we were financially viable and even now doesn't want it when offered. Children are expensive.Her attitude to it all is what makes me qustion her motives and why it isn't ok to do it. You have a DH problem if he hands it over due to her sulking and should go to the couples counselling regardless or this will keep repeating.

I don’t understand why you need to pay for medical services as the Spanish Healthcare System is amazing, unless you’re paying to see a consultant privately and instead of having private healthcare providers you have to fork out for the operation yourselves.

With 3 children you need every euro coming your way. MIL and SIL can find another solution for their money woes

Agree on this! Count your blessings.

Your in-laws are very selfish, being bothered by you helping your dad who was ill? Can’t get any lower than that.

I think I’d be going down the divorce route if your DH gives 20% of his earnings away. (Is it just HIS income and not your joint income?)

His main responsibility is to you and your DC. Then if MIL has needs, then you help our.

This is pure avarice on her behalf and your DH going along with it sounds utterly mad to me.

They sound controlling. Their son is an adult going to be a father soon, he can decode how he wants to spend his money. None of their business. Also, not being happy for your pregnancy news just shows how self-centred they are.

Your mother in-law is batshit. You haven't done anything wrong. She's jealous of the time and money you've spent on your parents, though it's none of her business. How did she even know the details?