AIBU to challenge a school mum for involving the children?

[TumbleLeaf10]

I will preface by saying I’m the most un-confrontational person.

Having breakfast yesterday DD5 says to me:
”Daisy” told me at school on Friday that “Daisy’s” mummy doesn’t like you.

This girls mum is stony faced, never says good morning and ignores me on the playground. I tried to make friends a couple of months ago as she got very close with another mum friend of mine, the three of us have hung out a few times- I thought we were at least friendly with each other. I’ve never done anything to upset her.

Honestly I’d like to confront her about it- I’m not at all bothered she doesn’t like me. But the fact bringing the kids into it doesn’t sit right with me. By all means don’t like me but don’t bitch about me to/in ear shot of your daughter. Also it’s not exactly how I envisioned having the hard conversation with a 5 year old that not everyone you will meet in life will be your friend or kind about you.

I’d just say something like:
DD5 had told me that you’ve said to Daisy that you don’t like me. This is fine, I have no problems and I’m sorry if I’ve ever done anything to upset you. But what I don’t appreciate is getting the children involved as it’s not fair on them.

I will well and truly have to put my big girl pants on to do this as I don’t like confrontation, especially with people I don’t really know. But I feel I have to stand up for what is right.

What doesn’t really help is that the girls are in Year one at the moment, there is only 4 girls in the class of 9 and we live in a small village so don’t want there to be any bad blood.

Thoughts please?! 🙏

I would take a deep breath. It's not great that your classes are so small.
But I would just let it go for now. You don't want to look foolish. Sounds like this is true but you can't do anything so put less effort in yourself and be your usual nice self to everyone else. It will probably come up at some point and I would say yes I've heard from DD you don't like me. Just leave it hanging.💐

Don’t say anything. It will escalate into the classroom as she over shares with her child.
As they say it is none of our business what other people like to think about us.
Just be cool with her going forward.

Let it go. None of your business what she talks to her daughter about. You will look nuts. Avoid the drama.

Let it go. It’s not worth the bad blood and it’s unlikely she intended for her daughter to hear this info.

Children misunderstand things all the time. Both Daisy and your daughter are very unreliable witnesses, proceeding as if you trust them will make you seem a bit crazy tbh

Kids in year one make all kinds of shit up. Daisy's mum may have said nothing of the sort.

say nothing. You are hearing this at least 3rd hand. Who KNOWS what was actually said, or how, or when or by whom. Continue to act as normal and carry on.

if you are goign to start taking 3rd hand information from 5 year olds as gospel truth you are in for a long road of unhappiness.

I wouldn’t say anything. The daughter could be making it all up to upset your daughter anyway.
Don’t make any drama, just stick to bare minimum, polite but not over friendly conversation in future. She doesn’t sound particularly like good friend material anyway if she’s stony faced and ignores you.

Think this is the best way to handle it, OP x

This info is third hand via two 5year olds, I’m sure things have been a little lost in translation a long the way. I certainly wouldnt be raising it with her mum. Just say to your DD that, it’s ok and sometimes in life not everyone wants to be friends and that’s ok. Then next time you see the mum, just wave and say hi.

You will look completely nuts if you confront her. You have no idea why the child said this. She may have overheard somethng and even misunderstood.

You absolutely cannot challenge or confront anyone about something relayed by two 5 year olds.

Don’t confront her. Just avoid her or be civil if you can’t. Nothing good can come of it.

I get that it hurts, but 5 year olds sometimes get things wrong. Or get things too right. I had a friends son say similar, but to me. In front of his mum. She went purple, and spluttered something unconvincing about him having misheard. But it was quite funny to see her reaction. She'd clearly spoken in front of her child without expecting it to be discussed the next day/week/whenever. She was however a nice person.

Teaching time for your dd. 'Thats's ok. Not everyone likes everyone else. We can still be polite and kind. And I have lots of other friends like X and Y.'

You and Daisy can still be friends if you want. But not if you don't want to. Just be polite and kind.

You will look crazy.

You have no idea if Daisy even said it. If she did say it, you have no idea if she made it up entirely or it’s something she decided from observing. And even if Mum did say it, you have no idea if she reasonably could have known Daisy was in ear shot. My son has overheard things when we’d have been sure he couldn’t.

My 6yr old just told me her best friend thinks that I’m not the smartest person and infact Arlo is smarter than me. No-one knows who Arlo is…. Kids say stuff ALL THE TIME. They are absolutely not reliable narrators.

Take it with a pinch of salt, even if she doesn’t like you and is bitching about you so what? Don’t feed it, you don’t always have to have it out with people, just match her vibe and ignore her.

Goodness OP. No!

Model to your daughter how not to get sucked into drama. It isn’t standing up for yourself it is taking the word of the unreliable narrator to cause further ill will.

My son had a friend whose mum liked to point out to other adults what they had done wrong or how their children had been unkind etc. She could never work out why she always fell out with people. She was always getting sucked in when she should have modelled how to live your life happily without getting involved with the dipshits.

Daisy's mum probably doesn't even know who you are. The stony-faced ones only care about the people who can provide something to them. Also, children get these things wrong all the time. On the off chance that she did say it, you will get an earful if you confront her. Totally ignore her, or continue to be courteous to her.

Firstly 5 year olds are not reliable narrators. Secondly you have to know these people for another six years so you don't want six years of awkwardness at the school gate. Thirdly yes in life not everyone likes everyone you just have to let it go.

I agree with PPs, don’t say anything.

My friend moved house a few months ago and had a couple of odd comments (friendly, but didn’t make sense) from other mums at school about how lovely it must be to be able to swim in the heatwave, and “I guess X’s next birthday will be a pool party!”. Turns out her daughter had told everyone they had a swimming pool - in fact they had just moved nearer to the local pool, and this had got lost in translation amongst the 6 year olds.

You’ve no idea what this woman said, in what context, or whether she knew her child was listening. And even if she flatly said to her DD “I don’t like X’s mother”, well that’s her issue and I doubt she’d take kindly to you telling her what not to say to her child (even though I’d agree that ideally you don’t slag off other parents to your children).

I wouldn’t say anything. You have no idea exactly what Daisy or her mother did or didn’t say. Young children muddle things up all the time. I would just have said something like “Oh dear, well not everybody is going to like us all the time” to my DD and then moved on to something else.

Don’t do it.

she won’t admit or apologise and she will say she has no idea what you’re talking about. She’ll portray you as a psycho trouble maker to the other parents.

my child has just finished primary. I wasted far too much headspace on women like this in the beginning and it’s not worth it

just continue being civil to her

"What is right" is not listening to third hand gossip. Maybe Daisy's mum doesn't like you. That's fine - no one has to like everyone, and you have no idea how she told her daughter. Maybe she said that she doesn't like the way you let your child watch TV after school, and the rest was lost in translation.

You are going to have to get on with this woman for the next few years. Be polite and distant.

Don't do this! You are likely not getting the real/full story.

When my eldest DD was about 4, I'd been explaining how fast young children's brains develop as they learn lots of new things and how amazing it is. And then a couple of weeks later her amazing brain translated this into "mummy says old people are not very clever" and she delivered this gem pointedly to her older-lady teacher 🤣

DD5 had told me that you’ve said to Daisy that you don’t like me. This is fine, I have no problems and I’m sorry if I’ve ever done anything to upset you. But what I don’t appreciate is getting the children involved as it’s not fair on them.

You don't know that the mum has said this to Daisy. Daisy might have got confused or heard her mum talking to someone else.

You will be giving this woman the green light to blow up at you. Don't do it, just be polite but distant.